Franco and Celine and Kirk, Oh My! A 2011 Oscar Recap that Has Something to do with Oz

Last night the 83^rd Academy Awards, commonly known as the Oscars, took place at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood. If you didn’t watch any of it, then congratulations are in order because you spend your time doing better things than seeing the richest people on the planet pat themselves on the back for essentially being rich and talented. But if you’re like millions of Americans, including myself, you watched the whole thing.

Every year I get roped into watching the Academy Awards even though the sheer extravagance of it irritates me. It seems hypocritical to me that these A-Listers tell us to donate money to support Katrina and Haiti relief (easy for them to say) and then go around walking on a giant red rug wearing thousands of dollars worth of cotton.

But this isn’t even what bugs me the most. The confusing thing about the Oscars is that, even though it is consistently one of the higher rated television shows each year (according to USA Today, 37.6 million Americans tuned in last night), it is rarely entertaining. The hosts usually suck. The winners are accurately predicted months in advance. And Celine Dion is there.

Despite these shortcomings, I watch. It’s probably because I’m a movie snob and I like to think I’m way more film scholarly than 99% of the population (yeah I know what mise-en-scène is…no biggie). I also like to take on these weird challenges, like when I decided to watch AFI’s Top 100 ranked movies (don’t do it). I guess what I’m trying to say is that the Oscars give me a template of movies to watch because the nominees were deemed culturally significant and “good” by a bunch of old people that live in West LA.

As shocking as it may seem, I do have a girlfriend. Much to her chagrin, I made her watch the whole 3 hour show last night. These, in order, were some of my favorite moments from the festivities.

5:32pm Pacific Time: The show kicks off with hosts James Franco and Anne Hathaway being spliced into several of the Best Picture nominees, sort of like during the MTV Movie Awards, but way less funny. Morgan Freeman makes a guest appearance and refers to Hatheway as the naked girl in Love and Other Drugs. Referring to Hathaway’s recent nudity is going to be a key motif during the night. It’s sort of a naïve and unfunny strategy. This isn’t the 1941 Oscars, where you didn’t see a naked woman until you were married (presumably). It’s 2011. Just because Hathaway (granted, she’s is a solid 8.5) sheds garments isn’t likely going to make anyone see her movie, especially when nudity is a Google search and couple mouse clicks away at all times.

The sequence ends with Franco and Hathaway inexplicably in Back to the Future, accelerating Doc Brown’s DeLorean to present day. No seriously. What, couldn’t get the rights to Teen Wolf? How exactly they got to the mid-80s is also beyond me. But I have to hand it to the Oscar writers; at least this opening montage was more coherent than anything M. Night Shyamalan has done recently (spoiler alert: The Last Airbender did not receive any nominations).

5:39: Franco and Hathaway begin their monologue. After Rickey Gervais ripped Hollywood to shreds at the Golden Globes, Hathaway and Franco were destined to be a boring choice. They were a safe, inoffensive selection that was intended to gain a younger audience. Even with those assumptions, they still exceeded my expectations for lame-ness. During the monologue, Hathaway’s vivacious performance can’t outshine Franco, who has a look on his face that seems to be saying “Holy crap, I was the Green Goblin. I don’t belong here.” Or he is just heavily sedated. Either way he has about as much personality as a really lazy simile.

Also, the Oscar producers also obviously instructed our hosts to pimp the stupid giant screen in the back, which isn’t nearly as cool as California Adventure’s World of Color. I mean, it you’re going to be broadcast worldwide, at least try to have some memorable presentation…

5:44: AHHHHHH!!!!!! THE TITANIC IS CRASHING INTO KODAK!!!!!!!!

5:45: Ok maybe the screen is impressive. Right now, Alice in Wonderland wins the Oscar for Art Direction. This prompts my girlfriend and I to talk smack on Alice for two solid minutes. Our main complaint is how someone, especially someone as talented as Tim Burton, can make this material boring. It has a friggin’ hash-smoking caterpillar!

5:48: Wally Pfister wins the Oscar for his cinematography work in Inception. I chuckle when hearing his name.

5:52: Kirk Douglas, 94 years old, comes out to present Best Supporting Actress. Everyone in the audience gives Douglas the obligatory “We Have to Give the Old Guy a Standing Ovation, if for Nothing Else than Because He Isn’t Dead Yet” treatment, which is funny because I imagine that Justin Timberlake thinks Spartacus is a gardening tool.

5:53: Awkwardness.

5:55. More awkwardness.

5:58: Apparently fearing this is going to be his last public appearance, Douglas hams it up before eventually announcing Melissa Leo from The Fighter is the winner. 14-year-old nominee Hailee Steinfeld from True Grit (the nominee I was rooting for) appears relieved she didn’t win so she wouldn’t have to go onstage with Douglas, who still thinks his game is as good as it was 50 years ago.

6:05: The Lost Thing wins Best Animated Short, a movie about a creature that nobody pays attention to. One of the filmmakers sees this as ironic (don’t ya think?). Not exactly a No Smoking sign on your cigarette break, but I see his point.

6:14: Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem present a couple awards dressed as maître d from a Carnival Cruise ship.

6:16: Aaron Sorkin, during his acceptance speech for his masterful screenplay from The Social Network, says he loves his job so much he would do it for free. After saying this, he briefly pauses as if he is smugly satisfied with this comment. Meanwhile, those watching from home that can barely pay their mortgage or feed their kids are flipping off Sorkin.

6:26: James Franco comes out dressed as Marilyn Monroe. Still haven’t figured out why.

6:33: Christian Bale wins for Best Audio Captured Tirade, er, Supporting Actor. Also, it looks like he’s about to audition for the Last Temptation of Christ sequel. Hey Christian, Novembeard ended 3 months ago.

6:37: Commercial for J.J. Abrams new flick, Super 8. Apparently, it’s not a movie about a motel chain.

6:39: The Academy President, Tom Sherak, says something about loyalty being good, and uses a personal example. Being from Brooklyn, he still roots for the Dodgers. That must be really difficult for him to root for the Dodgers while living deep inside one of New York’s toughest boroughs. Poor guy, I bet he can’t even afford MLB Extra Innings on DirecTV. What loyalty!

6:50: Asked my girlfriend if the current award being presented is for Sound Mixing or Sound Editing. Her reply: “Sounds boring.”

6:57: The Wolfman wins for Best Makeup. Interesting because I thought Benicio del Toro wouldn’t require makeup for that role. By the way, The Wolfman has now won as many Oscars as Pulp Fiction, Citizen Kane, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Dog Day Afternoon, and Chinatown to name a few, and won more Oscars than Taxi Driver, The Shawshank Redemption, and Psycho, to name a few. Gotta love the Oscars.  

7:03: For the Best Song category, there is a clip featuring random people saying what their favorite movie song ever is. One such random person is President Obama. He states his favorite movie song is “As Time Goes By,” the classic song from Casablanca. A fitting choice considering a lot of time has gone by for Obama without him making a meaningful Presidential impact.

7:14: Killing in the Name loses Documentary Short Subject. Bummer, I was looking forward to Zack de la Rocha’s acceptance speech.

7:20: Can we all agree James Franco should have just hosted as his Pineapple Express character? Wouldn’t he be more loveable that way? As a friend of mine suggested, it already appears he’s taken a few bong hits.

7:22: Oscar presented for Documentary Feature, or as I like to call it, The Michael Moore Highly One-Sided Perspective Award.

7:54: After a lull, it’s time for my favorite part! The Death Montage! I love seeing who gets the loudest applause and who nobody gives a crap about. And guess what. Celine Dion sings through the whole montage, muffling any would-be clapper. She singlehandedly ruined my favorite part! After hearing her sing, I’m beginning to feel envious of those in the montage.

8:04: Tom Hooper wins Best Director for his work on The King’s Speech. I’m glad David Fincher didn’t win. Though I always enjoy Fincher’s work, I thought The Social Network’s success was predicated more on Sorkin’s writing than Fincher’s directing.

8:08: And Heartbreak

8:09: Francis Ford Coppola makes me crave spaghetti.

8:14: Jeff Bridges’ thoughts during his Best Actress presentation: “I wish I could go backstage and smoke a bowl with James Franco.”

8:17: Just think. If not for Jean Reno, Gary Oldman would have killed Natalie Portman years ago. I can’t believe Portman didn’t thank Reno for saving her life.

8:23: I forgot Sandra Bullock won Best Actress last year. I should have remembered the rule that if you have a spunky Southern accent but still love your family, you are guaranteed to win an Oscar. Anyway, my money is on Michael Cera to win. He was great portraying Mark Zuckerberg (ok, not the most original joke but it makes me laugh every time).

8:36: The King’s Speech wins Best Picture. Not exactly a surprise, but I’m still satisfied. I would have preferred The Social Network to win, but I have no complaints.

8:39: James Franco declares in his sign off he had a great time. Well, at least that’s what the teleprompter told him to say.

All in all, this year’s show was exactly like last year’s show, and will be exactly like next year’s show. Again, no huge surprises or controversies. Nothing to make me feel as I though I wisely spent 3 hours of my life. I tried to highlight what I found amusing, but that was only because I was trying. The producers have their audience, and it’s safer to stick with a formula that works in lieu of an entertaining risk.

The hosts were pretty lousy; I commend Hathaway for infusing the show with bubbly energy, but her lack of comedic timing (as well as being weighed down by Franco) ultimately made her expendable. Billy Crystal’s brief appearance made this obvious.

The show concludes with a kid’s choir singing “Somewhere over the Rainbow,” with an iconic Wizard of Oz shot on the giant screen. You know the shot. The one with Dorothy and friends happily and naively hopping along the Yellow Brick Road in the foreground, with the Emerald City and all its possibilities in the background.

I think using The Wizard of Oz, and that shot in particular, is more relevant than one might initially think. You have Dorothy and her friends all going to the Emerald City for their reasons. At home, we all watch the Oscars for our reasons, whether that be to see the opulent dresses or just not feel out of the loop at work the next day. Like the Emerald City, the Oscars are full of hype and promise. Yet, when the curtain is pulled back and the truth is discovered, both are always trite and disappointing.