"Dancing with the Stars" Season 13 Preview: Where Nancy Grace's Head Explodes

Somehow, tonight is the season premiere of the 13^th season of Dancing with the Stars.

The show consistently dominates ratings and helps prevent ABC from going the way of NBC in terms of network obscurity. But the fact that this show is such a rousing success has always mystified me.

I’ve tried watching it, but find boring. Watching 12 has-beens stumble around in ornate outfits, all hosted by the guy that tried to sell Bruce Villanch and Whoopi Goldberg’s* jokes on Hollywood Squares, doesn’t strike me as an enjoyable hour of TV.

*back when Whoopi was “funny;” now she’s the person that walks off the set of The View when she doesn’t like her guest’s opinions; if you aren’t familiar with The View, you perhaps better know it as Breakfast & Menopause.

Bruce Vilanch, T-Shirt Connoisseur

But if you’re familiar with my blog, my opinion rarely matters. So instead of trying to decipher DWTS’ massive popularity, I’m going to handicap the 12-“star” (this marks the end of ironic quotation marks for this post because, really, it could be unending) field. I’m not going to stop this show from steamrolling primetime competition, so I may as well tag along for the ride.

Fun fact about me: my goal is to move to Las Vegas and become a successful bookie and rise through the gambling underground a la Robert De Niro in Casino. And though I would prefer if my car didn’t blow up upon ignition, it might happen anyway, given that I drive a 1996 Corolla.

On to some odds for the field.* All information gathered on contestants will be gathered from ABC’s official DWTS website.

*it should be noted I’ve watched about 15 minutes total in DWTS’ first 12 seasons

Carson Kressley

For men that might not remember, Kressley helped spearhead your brief venture into metrosexuality with Bravo’s Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (he was the fashion expert and designated leader of the group). And don’t pretend you didn’t watch it, because you did. I thought the show should have been on Discovery Channel; I took notes and everything. Yeah, I might like sports, but that shouldn’t preclude me from using a nice hair conditioner.

Currently, Kressley is hosting Carson-Nation on OWN, a show in which Carson travels to small towns (read “Midwest”) and “transforms lives one person at a time” (read “exploits their slob-ness for a decent hour of mindless filler TV programming”).

Carson’s dance partner is Anna Trebunskaya, a name that makes her sound hot in that Iron Curtain, Romanian gymnast-y sort of way. Judging from a credible user comment on ABC’s website, there has been an outcry that Kressley has to dance with a woman; the commenter is asking why this is so in an outraged sort of way (lots of capital letters, exclamation points, rhetorical questions, etc). Allow me to answer in one sentence: because Disney isn’t effing stupid and they know that Kressley dancing with a dude will wipe out a huge chunk of viewership, especially since this is marketed as wholesome family TV.

Odds of sleeping with dance partner: 10,000,000 to 1

Odds of looking fabulous while dancing: Even

Chaz Bono

“If you just know him as the only child of famed entertainers Sonny and Cher, then you don't know Chaz Bono!”

That quote is taken directly from ABC. I wish the guy who wrote it hated his job, was intent on being fired, and added “He also used to be a She and really wants a penis!” It would have been taken down within minutes, but the screenshot would provide me a desktop wallpaper for a lifetime.

The bio also mentions that Chaz has served as Entertainment Media Director for GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) and currently works as an LGBT advocate in different facets.

Chaz’ partner is Lacey Schwimmer. We should all have a moment of silence for Schwimmer because she is going to brush against Chaz’ neck beard. I’m not even being defamatory; it’s a nasty beard. Chaz needs dude practice. 

Chaz Bono, getting some fresh air outside the trailer park

Odds Lacy Schwimmer got really pissed off, cried for an hour, then had a massive Sunset Blvd bender after hearing she had to dance with Chaz: 1 to 3

Odds Schwimmer will be GLAAD when they are inevitably eliminated: 1 to 100

Chynna Phillips

Uh, sorry, I got nothing. I mean, she was in Caddyshack II. There’s probably a joke somewhere in that.

Odds of victory: 5 to 1, I guess

Odds of me literally just now learning this person existed: (collecting winnings)

David Arquette

Arquette used to be famous for his own work. Scream was a smash hit in the 90s and helped to usher comedy/horror hybrids mainstream (yes horror nerds, I know Raimi and Romero did too). 

But now Arquette is really more famous for marrying Monica from that one show, The One Where it Hasn’t Held up That Well since It Ended. Arquette is even a producer for his wife’s show, Cougar Town, which I thought was cancelled 5 years ago despite only entering its 3^rd season. It must be odd for Arquette to be involved with a show where his wife is messing around with guys that are still actors. You think he gets jealous? I think he gets jealous.

Odds he and Monica get a divorce: 25 to 1 

(9/20/2011) - so it was pointed out to me that the Arquettes have been divorced for like a year. That's what I get for not doing any research (but cut me some slack I'm doing this for free). Also, if you would have dropped $100 on this prop last year, you would have taken home a cool $2500. Sage advice in this post.


Elisabetta Canalis

Model featured on covers for Vogue, GQ, and Cosmopolitan, amongst others. “Guys making fun of Cosmo” is a more than played out but still sometimes reaches hilarious levels of sexism (“97 Ways to be Quiet and Make Dinner”**). But if a guy tells you he isn’t curious as to the contents of that tantalizing cover story, he’s lying. We might brush it aside and trivialize it as Silly Girl Stuff, when in reality we think that inside those perfume soaked pages, the secret to female knowledge will be unlocked.

**By the way I’m engaged now so I may or may not get to say stuff like this. Chris Rock does a funny bit about white people claiming they aren’t racist because they have a black President. This is a similar vein I imagine.

The Airbrushers did their best at least

As for Canalis, her filmography consists of Deuce Bigalow 2 and something called Virgin Territory (before you get excited, it stars Hayden Christensen; save some dignity and log out of Netflix now). But hey, she’s on Leverage! Anyone? You know, TNT, they know drama?

Odds of victory: 50 to 1, severely reduced because Rob Schneider infected her with Lackoftalentitis

Hope Solo

I’m not gonna lie: I was crushing on Hope big time this summer during the United States’ runner-up finish at the World Cup . The problem is I don’t know if she is genuinely attractive, or only appears so because she was surrounded by 20 Amazons on the pitch all summer (Don’t you hate when Americans refer to soccer fields as “the pitch?” Me too, but I love doing it because it makes me feel elitist). Either way, Hope is not ugly, so I will root for her.

From what I’ve heard, athletes tend to do well on this program. It makes sense. Dancing, and the training necessary to succeed at it, is tiring and athletic in nature. Thus, athletes are naturally inclined to perform better than those that may loathe physical exertion (sorry Chaz).

As a result of the athlete influx on the show, ESPN thinks that its largely male audience cares about DWTS results. We don’t. I understand ABC and ESPN are sister networks and that Disney is the king of self-promotion, but breaking down DWTS on Pardon the Interruption isn’t gaining any viewers. If anything, it’s alienating ESPN’s target audience.

Odds of victory with an athletic upper hand: 10 to 1

Odds of losing to a Japanese contestant: 2 to 1

J.R. Martinez

Martinez is an Iraq war veteran who, in 2003 at the age of 19, suffered severe burns on 40% of his body after the Humvee he was driving ran over a landmine.

Since, he has worked as a motivational speaker, helping other burn victims cope with their injuries. He currently stars on soap-opera All My Children.

Odds of me making a joke in this section: unlisted

Kristen Cavallari

Now we move on to someone I wish J.R. Martinez traded places with. Cavallari is best known for her role on MTV’s hit “reality” (ok, this is really the last appearance of ironic quotation marks) show The Hills. In recent news, Chicago Bears QB (and fellow drama queen) Jay Cutler called off his engagement to Cavallari, possibly because she thought a sack was a bag of gadgets and fancy lotions you get for being onstage at the Teen Choice Awards for 45 seconds.

The funniest portion of her ABC bio occurs when her film and TV credits are listed. The last entry states that “most recently, she got some laughs on ABC's The Middle.” The “some” part is awesome. Even the corporate tool writing her bio can’t deceive the audience any further. “Yeah, people may have laughed, but it was more in spite of your presence. By the way, what’s The Middle?”

The bio also notes that Cavallari is into humanitarian work now, or at least her publicist tells her she’s into humanitarian work. In 2010, she travelled to El Salvador to help rebuild schools for underprivileged kids, which is great until you realize that instead of staying here, she probably stayed here. Nothing like using the plight of others as an excuse for a Latin vacation.

Odds of her going away: 0 to 1

Nancy Grace

When Chaz Bono decided he wanted to be a man, Nancy Grace was probably the man he had in mind.

Everyone’s favorite vigilante, Grace is known for confrontational arguments with TV guests and whipping minorities during commercial breaks. Grace rose to fame with her bestselling book Objection!, a title that sounds like something an 8-year-old John Grisham would write. In her leisure time, Grace makes her husband, David Linch, wish he was Keith Griffin***.

*** Too soon?

Odds of dedicating a possible victory to Casey Anthony: Solomon’s riches to 1

Odds of her head exploding Cronenberg-style onstage because she’s still pissed Casey Anthony was found not guilty: 15 to 1

I chose this image from Scanners because the blood makes this guy look like Sideshow Bob

Ricki Lake

What, did Sally Jessy Raphael have a prior engagement?

Odds of Hairspray being mentioned every time she dances: 12 to 1

Odds that the “worldwide fan base” her bio speaks of is exaggerated: 1 to 5

Rob Kardashian

I think that on Keeping up with the Kardashian Jenners, Rob is sort of a sympathetic figure. I mean, would YOU want to live with the Sister Triumvirate of Kourtney, Khloe, and Kim? Well I would because I’m a pervert, but a normal person might get cabin fever, a condition unheard of in a 15 bedroom mansion.

Yeah he was born with the silver-est of spoons, but what if a life of celebrity isn’t something he wanted. Now he doesn’t have a choice; all his siblings are becoming genuine worldwide icons (as opposed to Ricki Lake’s version of worldwide icon). Though he is undoubtedly enjoying his life of riches, he could have had that life without the pressure of carving a creative niche for himself, like his sisters so seamlessly did with their fashion lines**** and innate sex appeal (except Khloe).

**** Speaking of, the Triumvirate has a clothing line at Sears now. Because the Sears in Calabasas, CA has been clamoring for a Kardashian line.

Or maybe Rob is just a douche like the rest of the family. Don’t say I didn’t try to defend him, though.

Odds a Kardashian or Jenner has been inside a Sears: LOL to 1

Ron Artest

In recent weeks, Artest officially changed his name to Metta World Peace, thereby confirming he is insane. Although it is fair to point out that was probably the case when he charged into the stands to beat up a fan in what became known as the Malice at the Palace (for the Palace at Auburn Hills, the arena where the Detroit Pistons play in front of dozens of fans each game). 

Artest attacking a guy doing his best Mr. Bill impression

In the years following the Palace brawl, Artest has rejuvenated his career and become a lovable jester. He took a pay cut to come play for the Lakers, a move to come to a winning franchise as much as it was to become a Hollywood icon. He slid easily into both lifestyles. Though often struggling on the court, he was the best player for either team when it counted most, in Game 7 of the 2010 NBA Finals against the Celtics. Even though he scared the piss out of Lakers fans (I can vouch) whenever he touched the ball, he made the shot that sealed the 2010 championship with an ill-advised three-pointer that went down.

 After winning the title, Artest held a beloved and endearing press conference where he thanked his therapist. He auctioned off his championship ring and gave the proceeds to mental health services.

He’s eccentric, no doubt, but damn is he entertaining. I don’t watch DWTS and won’t this season, but for people that enjoy it, Artest and the others on this list provide exactly what they’re looking for: pure escapist entertainment. And in a way, Artest represents a key motif of the show, that being trying to recapture past glory, glory he lost with the brawl but regained with the Lakers. And if the proceeds go to charity, then let the pseudo-stars have an extra 15 minutes of unearned celebrity.

I just hope nobody throws a cup at Artest.

Odds of Artest punching Tom Bergeron for a good laugh: 8 to 1

Odds of me doing a Season 14 preview: Even

How Katy Perry is Taking Over the World, One Teenage Dream at a Time

About 4 weeks ago*, pop singer Katy Perry’s single “Last Friday Night” hit #1 on the charts; it was the fifth single off her Teenage Dream album to reach #1 (the others: “California Gurls,” “Teenage Dream,” “Firework,” “E.T.”). This is significant because she became the first female and second artist overall (Michael Jackson’s Bad) to accomplish this feat.

*no, this post isn’t going to be an exercise in timeliness

Anyone else craving cotton candy?

If you have a pulse, then you know who Katy Perry is or have at least heard one of the aforementioned Teenage Dream songs. Or if you haven’t heard any of those songs, then your church undoubtedly held an emergency meeting once “I Kissed a Girl” was released in 2008, the song that launched her to instant superstardom (say whatever you want about Perry, but this was a genius selection for a debut single; credit to the producers).

One of the ironies of Perry in general and “I Kissed a Girl” in particular is that this success was after she released a gospel rock album in 2001, the self-titled Katy Hudson (she later changed her name to Katy Perry). Several short years after performing songs like “Faith Won’t Fail,“ she’s declaring that she kissed a girl and, indeed, she liked it.

Whether or not Perry is still a God-fearing person is almost irrelevant in her development as global icon. She saw the allure of fame, and she figured she had a better chance at achieving fame if she ditched her dogmatic ideals. One can almost imagine a young Perry –er – Hudson, flicking on TRL (Carson Daly!) in the late 90s or early 2000s and seeing pop icons like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera making boat loads of cash definitely not singing about God.

And to say nothing against religion, the idea of God isn’t exactly appealing to most teenagers. That is, religious teachings may be important to them, but it likely isn’t consuming much of their thought.

Which is why Perry’s ascendance shouldn’t be a shock. She has skillfully crafted herself as this “party girl” that married admitted sex addict Russell Brand. Meanwhile, her songs have strategically sold various lifestyles to her young, adoring audience. It’s no surprise that much of the content in the five #1 singles off the Teenage Dream album are essentially well formulated fantasies. True, they’re catchy fantasies (“Firework” is stuck in my head as I write this), but lots of artists have been catchy and not achieved the success Perry has on this one album. For a hand selected sample, Bruce Springsteen is one of the most beloved artists of all time, and he has NEVER had a #1 single (though he did write “Blinded by the Light,” a song that reached #1 in 1977 when covered by Manfred Mann’s Earth Band, probably because people kept requesting it to try to decipher if the chorus really did say “wrapped up like a douche”**).

**it doesn’t: “Blinded by the light, / revved up like a deuce, / another runner in the night”

***

The California girl motif isn’t exactly a new one in pop music. The Beach Boys released “California Girls” in 1965 and, like Perry’s misspelled version, the song attained great success, peaking at #3 on the charts. Yet, while the Boys may have been more subtle using sexual imagery, Perry is not. But lyrics like “we’ll melt your popsicle” and “we freak in my jeep,” as well as the cameo appearance by noted feminist Snoop Dogg, aren’t present to degrade women. That’s the lazy argument. Instead, they present a world in which women hold power over men through shear sex appeal. What teenage girl wouldn’t find that desireable? Even the video, a bright colored Candy Land universe, featuring a blue-haired Perry spraying, um, whip cream out of her, um, blouse, grabs your attention and makes you think “well maybe California girls are sexier after all” (whatever that means). If you’re a girl from California, the song reaffirms your dominance and for that you appreciate Perry. If you’re not from California but you want to learn how to feel sexy, then Perry can teach you how.

While “California Gurls” plays up the sexy angle, “Teenage Dream” plays up the plain angle. The song kicks off with the female speaker claiming “You think I’m pretty, without any makeup on / You think I’m funny when I tell the punch line wrong ,” giving hope to any girls that may have felt ugly and that “California Gurls” is only for the beautiful. The song is also of the same mold as the Twilight series, a series that has gained ridiculous popularity amongst young women not for vampire mythology, but because Edward Cullen is dreamy AND he cares about Bella. The notion that he isn’t human suggests that he isn’t attainable; since real men are a-holes, then retreating to the books/movies is the only way to have your dream man.

"I'm like complicated and stuff"

As “Teenage Dream” progresses, we learn that the speaker and Perfect Fictional Man X are off to have sexy time at some motel. A line in the chorus reads “You make me feel like I’m living a teenage dream / The way you turn me on,” a line that would make any father to a teenage daughter cringe. So Perry is establishing sex as important to teenagers. Ok, fine, but the speaker seems equally concerned that “now every February you’ll be my Valentine, Valentine,” an idea so important that Perry wisely and subliminally utters the word twice. So not only is Perfect Fictional Man X amazing in bed (a concept most younger teenage girls cannot even grasp, making the mystery of it only that much more appealing), but he’ll also remember to buy his girlfriend chocolates on Valentine’s Day. And unlike “California Gurls,” Perry doesn’t describe any “desirable” female features or bikinis, making the song more attainable to all teenage girls (“maybe he won’t care how I look!”). No, Perfect Fictional Man X exists for listeners, and to be reminded of him at all times, he costs only $1.29 on iTunes.

It might be fair to imagine one of those teenage girls that admired Katy Perry is Rebecca Black. Similar to Perry being inspired by pop singers of a decade ago, Black (and I’m totally theorizing) probably listened to Perry and wanted the fame, attention, and lifestyle of Perry. The result was the viral hit “Friday,” Black’s disastrous masterpiece about a young girl that likes cereal, is confused by front/rear seat car upholstery, and wants to hang out with her friiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnds.

Perry’s “Last Friday Night,” the single that tied her with MJ, is another entry in the “look how fun my lifestyle is” department. It’s also her most self-referential music video, in the sense that it is about a misfit girl (named Kathy, played by Perry) that during the song has a crazy Friday night***, as if Perry’s music spurs Kathy’s newfound popularity. Rebecca Black makes a cameo in the video, and her role is to accept Kathy (adorned with goggle glasses and orthodontic head ware so grotesque only Lisa Simpson can understand the suffering of wearing them) and give her a makeover so that she will become popular. And while Black is accepting the Perry-played Kathy, the same thing is taking place off-camera, as Perry has invited Black literally to be in the music video, but also more subtly drawing her into her music. Like Black, listeners are sucked into Perry’s music.

***And damn is it crazy. Her uncle is Kenny G, her dad is Corey Feldman, and Hanson is playing on her front lawn. Yeah, THAT Hanson. And the video is 8 minutes long! And I watched the entire thing! It’s really quite awful…I’ll post it below:

When comparing Perry’s songs to Michael Jackson’s songs on a simplistic level, it’s interesting to note that while Perry is selling fiction to her audiences, and thus creating a dialogue where she is talking at her listeners, Jackson is much more introspective. This is evident even when you just gloss at the song titles that reached #1 off the Bad album: “I Just Can’t Loving You, “Bad” (featuring the refrain “I’m bad”), “The Way You Make Me Feel,” “Man in the Mirror” (i.e., Jackson), and “Dirty Diana” (ok doesn’t really work but you get the point).

But Perry isn’t concerned with thinking about herself, at least in terms of her music. Nor does she want her audience to think about themselves as they currently are. Rather, she wants her audience to think about what they aren’t, and then provide them with a haven in which they can explore their fantasies. The fantasies Perry is selling may be cliché, like Friday night popularity, Valentine’s Day plans, and being attractive. But just because they’re cliché doesn’t mean they aren’t fantasies that teenagers are obsessed with. And if you don’t believe me, try to remember when you were in high school.