Franco and Celine and Kirk, Oh My! A 2011 Oscar Recap that Has Something to do with Oz

Last night the 83^rd Academy Awards, commonly known as the Oscars, took place at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood. If you didn’t watch any of it, then congratulations are in order because you spend your time doing better things than seeing the richest people on the planet pat themselves on the back for essentially being rich and talented. But if you’re like millions of Americans, including myself, you watched the whole thing.

Every year I get roped into watching the Academy Awards even though the sheer extravagance of it irritates me. It seems hypocritical to me that these A-Listers tell us to donate money to support Katrina and Haiti relief (easy for them to say) and then go around walking on a giant red rug wearing thousands of dollars worth of cotton.

But this isn’t even what bugs me the most. The confusing thing about the Oscars is that, even though it is consistently one of the higher rated television shows each year (according to USA Today, 37.6 million Americans tuned in last night), it is rarely entertaining. The hosts usually suck. The winners are accurately predicted months in advance. And Celine Dion is there.

Despite these shortcomings, I watch. It’s probably because I’m a movie snob and I like to think I’m way more film scholarly than 99% of the population (yeah I know what mise-en-scène is…no biggie). I also like to take on these weird challenges, like when I decided to watch AFI’s Top 100 ranked movies (don’t do it). I guess what I’m trying to say is that the Oscars give me a template of movies to watch because the nominees were deemed culturally significant and “good” by a bunch of old people that live in West LA.

As shocking as it may seem, I do have a girlfriend. Much to her chagrin, I made her watch the whole 3 hour show last night. These, in order, were some of my favorite moments from the festivities.

5:32pm Pacific Time: The show kicks off with hosts James Franco and Anne Hathaway being spliced into several of the Best Picture nominees, sort of like during the MTV Movie Awards, but way less funny. Morgan Freeman makes a guest appearance and refers to Hatheway as the naked girl in Love and Other Drugs. Referring to Hathaway’s recent nudity is going to be a key motif during the night. It’s sort of a naïve and unfunny strategy. This isn’t the 1941 Oscars, where you didn’t see a naked woman until you were married (presumably). It’s 2011. Just because Hathaway (granted, she’s is a solid 8.5) sheds garments isn’t likely going to make anyone see her movie, especially when nudity is a Google search and couple mouse clicks away at all times.

The sequence ends with Franco and Hathaway inexplicably in Back to the Future, accelerating Doc Brown’s DeLorean to present day. No seriously. What, couldn’t get the rights to Teen Wolf? How exactly they got to the mid-80s is also beyond me. But I have to hand it to the Oscar writers; at least this opening montage was more coherent than anything M. Night Shyamalan has done recently (spoiler alert: The Last Airbender did not receive any nominations).

5:39: Franco and Hathaway begin their monologue. After Rickey Gervais ripped Hollywood to shreds at the Golden Globes, Hathaway and Franco were destined to be a boring choice. They were a safe, inoffensive selection that was intended to gain a younger audience. Even with those assumptions, they still exceeded my expectations for lame-ness. During the monologue, Hathaway’s vivacious performance can’t outshine Franco, who has a look on his face that seems to be saying “Holy crap, I was the Green Goblin. I don’t belong here.” Or he is just heavily sedated. Either way he has about as much personality as a really lazy simile.

Also, the Oscar producers also obviously instructed our hosts to pimp the stupid giant screen in the back, which isn’t nearly as cool as California Adventure’s World of Color. I mean, it you’re going to be broadcast worldwide, at least try to have some memorable presentation…

5:44: AHHHHHH!!!!!! THE TITANIC IS CRASHING INTO KODAK!!!!!!!!

5:45: Ok maybe the screen is impressive. Right now, Alice in Wonderland wins the Oscar for Art Direction. This prompts my girlfriend and I to talk smack on Alice for two solid minutes. Our main complaint is how someone, especially someone as talented as Tim Burton, can make this material boring. It has a friggin’ hash-smoking caterpillar!

5:48: Wally Pfister wins the Oscar for his cinematography work in Inception. I chuckle when hearing his name.

5:52: Kirk Douglas, 94 years old, comes out to present Best Supporting Actress. Everyone in the audience gives Douglas the obligatory “We Have to Give the Old Guy a Standing Ovation, if for Nothing Else than Because He Isn’t Dead Yet” treatment, which is funny because I imagine that Justin Timberlake thinks Spartacus is a gardening tool.

5:53: Awkwardness.

5:55. More awkwardness.

5:58: Apparently fearing this is going to be his last public appearance, Douglas hams it up before eventually announcing Melissa Leo from The Fighter is the winner. 14-year-old nominee Hailee Steinfeld from True Grit (the nominee I was rooting for) appears relieved she didn’t win so she wouldn’t have to go onstage with Douglas, who still thinks his game is as good as it was 50 years ago.

6:05: The Lost Thing wins Best Animated Short, a movie about a creature that nobody pays attention to. One of the filmmakers sees this as ironic (don’t ya think?). Not exactly a No Smoking sign on your cigarette break, but I see his point.

6:14: Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem present a couple awards dressed as maître d from a Carnival Cruise ship.

6:16: Aaron Sorkin, during his acceptance speech for his masterful screenplay from The Social Network, says he loves his job so much he would do it for free. After saying this, he briefly pauses as if he is smugly satisfied with this comment. Meanwhile, those watching from home that can barely pay their mortgage or feed their kids are flipping off Sorkin.

6:26: James Franco comes out dressed as Marilyn Monroe. Still haven’t figured out why.

6:33: Christian Bale wins for Best Audio Captured Tirade, er, Supporting Actor. Also, it looks like he’s about to audition for the Last Temptation of Christ sequel. Hey Christian, Novembeard ended 3 months ago.

6:37: Commercial for J.J. Abrams new flick, Super 8. Apparently, it’s not a movie about a motel chain.

6:39: The Academy President, Tom Sherak, says something about loyalty being good, and uses a personal example. Being from Brooklyn, he still roots for the Dodgers. That must be really difficult for him to root for the Dodgers while living deep inside one of New York’s toughest boroughs. Poor guy, I bet he can’t even afford MLB Extra Innings on DirecTV. What loyalty!

6:50: Asked my girlfriend if the current award being presented is for Sound Mixing or Sound Editing. Her reply: “Sounds boring.”

6:57: The Wolfman wins for Best Makeup. Interesting because I thought Benicio del Toro wouldn’t require makeup for that role. By the way, The Wolfman has now won as many Oscars as Pulp Fiction, Citizen Kane, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Dog Day Afternoon, and Chinatown to name a few, and won more Oscars than Taxi Driver, The Shawshank Redemption, and Psycho, to name a few. Gotta love the Oscars.  

7:03: For the Best Song category, there is a clip featuring random people saying what their favorite movie song ever is. One such random person is President Obama. He states his favorite movie song is “As Time Goes By,” the classic song from Casablanca. A fitting choice considering a lot of time has gone by for Obama without him making a meaningful Presidential impact.

7:14: Killing in the Name loses Documentary Short Subject. Bummer, I was looking forward to Zack de la Rocha’s acceptance speech.

7:20: Can we all agree James Franco should have just hosted as his Pineapple Express character? Wouldn’t he be more loveable that way? As a friend of mine suggested, it already appears he’s taken a few bong hits.

7:22: Oscar presented for Documentary Feature, or as I like to call it, The Michael Moore Highly One-Sided Perspective Award.

7:54: After a lull, it’s time for my favorite part! The Death Montage! I love seeing who gets the loudest applause and who nobody gives a crap about. And guess what. Celine Dion sings through the whole montage, muffling any would-be clapper. She singlehandedly ruined my favorite part! After hearing her sing, I’m beginning to feel envious of those in the montage.

8:04: Tom Hooper wins Best Director for his work on The King’s Speech. I’m glad David Fincher didn’t win. Though I always enjoy Fincher’s work, I thought The Social Network’s success was predicated more on Sorkin’s writing than Fincher’s directing.

8:08: And Heartbreak

8:09: Francis Ford Coppola makes me crave spaghetti.

8:14: Jeff Bridges’ thoughts during his Best Actress presentation: “I wish I could go backstage and smoke a bowl with James Franco.”

8:17: Just think. If not for Jean Reno, Gary Oldman would have killed Natalie Portman years ago. I can’t believe Portman didn’t thank Reno for saving her life.

8:23: I forgot Sandra Bullock won Best Actress last year. I should have remembered the rule that if you have a spunky Southern accent but still love your family, you are guaranteed to win an Oscar. Anyway, my money is on Michael Cera to win. He was great portraying Mark Zuckerberg (ok, not the most original joke but it makes me laugh every time).

8:36: The King’s Speech wins Best Picture. Not exactly a surprise, but I’m still satisfied. I would have preferred The Social Network to win, but I have no complaints.

8:39: James Franco declares in his sign off he had a great time. Well, at least that’s what the teleprompter told him to say.

All in all, this year’s show was exactly like last year’s show, and will be exactly like next year’s show. Again, no huge surprises or controversies. Nothing to make me feel as I though I wisely spent 3 hours of my life. I tried to highlight what I found amusing, but that was only because I was trying. The producers have their audience, and it’s safer to stick with a formula that works in lieu of an entertaining risk.

The hosts were pretty lousy; I commend Hathaway for infusing the show with bubbly energy, but her lack of comedic timing (as well as being weighed down by Franco) ultimately made her expendable. Billy Crystal’s brief appearance made this obvious.

The show concludes with a kid’s choir singing “Somewhere over the Rainbow,” with an iconic Wizard of Oz shot on the giant screen. You know the shot. The one with Dorothy and friends happily and naively hopping along the Yellow Brick Road in the foreground, with the Emerald City and all its possibilities in the background.

I think using The Wizard of Oz, and that shot in particular, is more relevant than one might initially think. You have Dorothy and her friends all going to the Emerald City for their reasons. At home, we all watch the Oscars for our reasons, whether that be to see the opulent dresses or just not feel out of the loop at work the next day. Like the Emerald City, the Oscars are full of hype and promise. Yet, when the curtain is pulled back and the truth is discovered, both are always trite and disappointing.

Space Jam: Redux

This November marks the 15^th anniversary of Space Jam, one of my favorite movies as a kid. I’m convinced this movie helped develop my current love for basketball, which as my girlfriend and brother will tell you borders on sociopathic (do NOT talk to me in the minutes following a Lakers playoff loss). Additionally, the soundtrack was the first CD I owned as a kid; and so what if I didn't know what a Coolio was.

To commemorate this monumental occasion, and since the NBA All Star Game just took place, I thought it would be fun to see how a Space Jam remake would play out using current NBA stars and popular cartoons from the past 20 years. Emphasis on the popular; this means my movie is sans Looney Tunes, since they are only relevant if you currently work at Six Flags.

Setting the Rosters:

Want to know why the Monstars lost? Because their starting lineup featured Muggsy Bogues, Shawn “Poster Child” Bradley, an over-the-hill Patrick Ewing, an over-the-hill Charles Barkley, and Larry Johnson, who was still 3 years away from the phantom 4-point-play that immortalized him in the NBA Films library.

Even with that roster that couldn’t beat an average Duke team, the Monstars were a Michael Jordan dunk at the buzzer from holding MJ to lifetime slavery without an opt-out clause (he got hacked, but there’s no way Marvin the Martian would have had the balls to call that foul; or maybe Marvin was that movie’s version of Tim Donaghy). So, let’s assume in the remake the Monstars have long since fired Isiah Thomas as their GM and hired someone like Mitch Kupchak or Danny Ainge. Their 5 man roster would probably look something like the following:

Point Guard: Toughest call on the board, but probably Derrick Rose. His combination of speed and strength would make him virtually unstoppable for any average cartoon to stop.

Shooting Guard: Dwyane Wade. Is the affection of referees everywhere, so he could singlehandedly turn the game into a free throw contest. Dallas fans catch my drift.

Small Forward: LeBron James. Best player on any planet, and he is already unlikeable and evil so the Monstars could go ahead and skip that transformative step. Also, perfect fit for this team as he is willing to give up a good look for a better look at all times. Obvious concern would be that if Earth is destroyed in this apocalyptic game, would he leave his talents in South Beach?

Power Forward: Kevin Garnett. Like LeBron, already unlikeable and evil. Wired to eviscerate any opponent. Let’s say, for example, Russell from Up was guarding him. KG would dunk on him, make fun of him for not having a dad, punch him in the crotch, then kill Dug (oops, getting my athletes mixed up; Michael Vick would kill Dug, but KG would still do the other stuff).

Center: Andrew Bynum. Just kidding (Lakers fans are missing the joke). But seriously, it’s Dwight Howard.

For the Cartoon team (hereto after referred to as Toons), the choices are obviously endless. Here is the team I give them that could propel them to victory:

Shooting Guard: Kobe Bryant. Duh. Obvious replacement for Jordan, given they are similar players and Kobe is in the twilight of his career like Jordan was when Space Jam came out. Kobe is no longer the best player, but still the toughest and the least likely to back down from this daunting challenge.

Point Guard: Wall-E. Very unselfish. Always willing to pass the plant, er, ball to an open teammate. Does all the little things to win. My concerns would be on defense, where he is obviously lacking lateral quickness and the ability to call out screens.

Small Forward: Ned Flanders. A guy who is willing to keep the peace when Kobe gets frustrated with the team. Plus, judging by how this team compares with the Monstars, the Toons could use a little religion. Drawback for Flanders would be if Homer stole his basketball shoes prior to the game.

Power Forward: Eric Cartman. Similar build to Charles Barkley, and would bring some much-needed edge to this team. If things start to look dismal for the Toons, Cartman could always threaten to cook LeBron’s mom in chili. Or arrange for her to meet Delonte West. Either way I suppose.

Center: Jafar. Tall and lanky enough to grab loose balls. A wily veteran defender that could pull the chair out from under Howard on the block.  An awesome scepter that could hypnotize a Monstar or two. However, I worry he isn’t totally focused on the task at hand since his true goal is to find the magic lamp.

Now that the rosters are set, let’s see how this epic duel plays out.

Pregame

I’m skipping a bunch of stuff because this part always bored me as a kid. Just know that Kobe enters Toon Land after he is seduced by Jessica Rabbit at a Colorado hotel, and upon leading her into his hotel room, he falls into one of those black hole things made by ACME. All the while, the Quad City DJ’s are playing in the background.

Just before the big game, Kobe demands to be traded, citing that Jafar isn’t living up to potential. He goes so far as to talk smack about Jafar to Spongebob, who captures the profanity-laced tirade on his pineapple phone. This motivates Jafar to step up his game. In the final practices before the showdown, Jafar shows dramatic improvement.

First Quarter

The Monstars look unstoppable. Tenacious defense leads to easy transition buckets for Wade and LeBron. The game, televised by ESPN, the universal wide leader in sports, captures KG shouting obscenities in slow motion, with spit cascading in all directions. Kobe, naturally upset by his teammates poor performances, starts ignoring his teammates and jacking up forced shots while double-teamed. This leads to a 2/10 shooting quarter. The lone bright spot on the Toons proves to be Jafar. On offense he grabs rebounds and stuffs them home. On defense he alters Rose’s shots. Jafar’s play keeps the Toons in striking distance, 33-20 after the first quarter.

Second Quarter

It happens. Jafar blows out his knee. He was always known to be snake bitten (get it! He turned into a snake in Aladdin!) when it came to injuries but the Toons foolishly hoped he would make it through this one game. With the Toons now desperate, they turn to Belle from Beauty & the Beast. Everyone knew Belle had game, but what worried the Toons is that her game was all finesse. After all, she’s a scholarly European; what makes you think she would be tough? However, with Cartman busy playing PSP, Wall-E in desperate need of a solar charge, and Flanders gone to Reverend Lovejoy’s Toy Train Exhibit, Belle brings life to the Toons. Granted, she’s not the toughest player, but her skill set on the block is unmatched. Kobe, elated to have a competent teammate, starts giving her the ball and setting her up for Pick and Pops.

Meanwhile, many Monstars are distracted from the current task. LeBron is filming a commercial, asking the anonymous audience that if he didn’t join forces with the evil aliens (undeniably the easier route), what else should he have done? Wade is too busy calling his T-Mobile 5, Rose is trying to help John Calipari replace Memphis’ recently vacated wins, and Howard is sewing a new Superman cape. The only player that seems to care is KG, but at his age he can no longer carry a team on his own. The Monstars are letting a very winnable game slip away, and their lead at half is only 54-47.

Third Quarter

Here comes Kobe. Inspired by a halftime speech from Coach Mufasa, Kobe starts draining ridiculous (i.e. ill-advised) shots from all over the court. Wade is smothering Kobe, but it doesn’t matter. Fall away baseline jumper? Splash! 26-foot 3? Bang! Running floater in the lane? Some other onomatopoeia! The rest of the Toons, sensing the urgency, begin to pick up their games on D. They are able to deny LeBron and Rose post entry passes and force them to shoot long jumpers, the Monstars’ one weakness. On the other end, Kobe can’t be stopped, and on the rare occasion he misses, Cartman (rejuvenated after drinking Ginger blood) grabs offensive boards and puts them home, a la Dennis Rodman. At the end of 3, the score is tied at 73.

Fourth Quarter

Neither team gives an inch. The intensity raises and the game becomes all out war, but Marty from Madagascar, the game’s referee, isn’t calling anything. He is letting both teams duke it out. Fast forward to 30 seconds remaining. Monstars down 1, LeBron beats the newly returned Flanders off the dribble, drives to the bucket, forces the defense to collapse, then kicks it out to a wide open Wade for 3…who hits it! Monstars up 2! Next possession, Kobe brings the ball up court. Clock is ticking. Garnett and Wade try to trap Kobe at half court. Still ticking. Kobe escapes. 8 seconds. Kobe shockingly passes to Belle. 6 seconds. Belle bricks the layup. 4 seconds. Howard elects to slap the ball to the top of the 3 point line (catch the ball you moron) right where Kobe is standing. 2 seconds. Kobe calmly catches, sets, and releases. Buzzer sounds. The ball seemingly flutters to the basket (and everything is in slow-motion; obviously). KG is shown screaming “NOOOOO” in slo-mo. Shot of Kobe with perfect follow through. Then shot of rim, with ball slowly entering frame, which then finally falls into the basket. Nothing but net. Toons win. The little green aliens from Toy Story storm the court in jubilation. Kobe does that weird underbite thing while doing a Tiger Woods fist pump. Credits roll and we all believe we can fly.

                                                                                            

She Probably Doesn't Like You Just the Way You Are

I hate Bruno Mars.

I haven’t quite figured out why, but it probably comes from a variety of reasons.

It may be as simple as I don’t really know what to call him in this blog post because he has one of those names that only sounds good when you say the first and last name together; thus, more keystrokes for myself. The alternatives aren’t very appealing. Bruno has too much negative Sasha Baron Cohen blowback. Mars makes me crave nougat. Mr. Mars is too New York Times-y and makes me think of a bad Val Kilmer movie. BM is funny, but starting one’s blog career with toilet humor probably isn’t the best way to attract a substantial readership. So, through extensive research (i.e. Wikipedia) I discovered his real name is Peter Gene Hernandez. Therefore, Pete it is for the remainder of this post.

Another, more psychologically complex reason for my Pete distaste, is jealousy. Of course I’m going to be envious of someone more talented, wealthy, and attractive than me (minus the horse teeth, of course), especially when he is only a couple years my elder.

But I think the primary root of my distaste is that Pete tends to be a bit whiny. The latest successful example of this is his song “Grenade,” which has been playing everywhere for the last month or so. In fact, the inspiration for this post came while I was in a Subway where I heard the song on Subway Jamz or whatever lame “hip” thing Subway’s CEO decided to call their banal playlist featuring, along with Pete, Nelly and Katy Perry. I mean, can’t a guy order a meatball sub in peace?

ANYWAY, this post is dedicated to “Grenade” and Pete’s unrealistic expectations of women. The song is basically about Pete’s anguish over some chick he loves but she doesn’t reciprocate in a way he deems fitting. As it turns out, Pete would rather date Wonder Woman than the average American chicks that throw themselves at him (and he does coke off of) on a daily basis.

By the way, a / means a line break. That’s one of the few things I remember from college. Well that and what a Celebrity Shooter is in Beer Pong. So, let us have a look at some of the highlights from Pete’s smash hit.

First Verse

- “Should’ve known / You was trouble / From the first kiss / Had your eyes wide open, / Why were they open?”

From this verse, we can see that Pete isn’t a stickler for grammar. Obviously, “was” could be replaced with “were,” which wouldn’t screw with the line syllabically. Here, Pete leaves out very crucial information. Maybe the anonymous girl was an English teacher. Or a Scrabble champion. Also, for Pete to know she was trouble, his only evidence is she had her eyes open when they kissed. Ok, but for him to know that he had to have his eyes open as well. So far, this song is more a scathing critique of boring kissers than it is of his girlfriend.

Chorus

- “Gave you all I had / And you tossed it in the trash, / You tossed it in the trash you did"

Ah, now we get to the real meat of the song. This is the first line of the chorus. But let me be honest. If I told my girlfriend something she did 3 times in about 3 seconds, she would probably leave me too. Like if I said “You forgot the salt, you forgot the salt, you did,” I would deserve a good slap to the face. Or maybe Pete is just on the cutting edge of language. Maybe my future blog posts will read like this: I’m writing down my thoughts, writing down my thoughts, I just did.

- “To give me all your love / Is all I ever asked / ‘Cause you don’t understand is / I’d catch a grenade for ya”

What impresses me is Pete’s combat training. Usually guys that wear hipster hats don’t even know what a grenade is. But even assuming the unlikely scenario of Pete catching anything (other than a bite from a drug sniffing dog) occurs, I think the line is poorly written. After all, if he catches a grenade, why doesn’t he just throw it back. I realize I’m missing the proverbial point, but seriously, I’ve seen enough war movies to know that grenades don’t detonate upon human contact. My guess is the girlfriend wasn’t very impressed by Pete’s lack of resourcefulness.

- “Throw my hand on a blade for ya”

This line confuses me. In what situation would he need to throw his hand on a blade? Did Michael Myers show up one day? Did they have a romantic weekend planned at Camp Crystal Lake? Even if they did, I’m pretty sure Mr. Vorhees would easily dispatch of him before honing in on Pete’s hot girlfriend (she gets away but shows up and dies early in the next movie).

- “I’d wrestle a snake for ya”

Ok fine I made that one up.

-“I’d jump in front of a train for ya”

This song is starting to sound like the next Final Destination. Anyway, here Pete overestimates his strength. Sorry to tell ya, but if you are all that’s standing between her and a train, her chances of survival are not looking very good. This line would be more believable if he said he stopped the train with his hair. Seriously, his hair looks like the Berlin Wall.

- “I would go through all this pain / Take a bullet straight through my brain”

The feeling is mutual when listening to this song.

- “Yes, I would die for you baby / But you won’t do the same”

Talk about a narcissist. He obviously assumes he is something worth dying for, even though we have already established him as a lousy kisser. If he truly loved Girl X, wouldn’t he not want her to do these things? Isn’t the point of the song for her to be safe from all these disasters that occur in whatever dangerous gated community Pete lives in? Has he ever thought that maybe she is embarrassed of him? If I was a girl, I would be embarrassed too if my boyfriend’s idea of a workout is dragging a piano around the city. Also, I bet if I came up with weird scenarios for my girlfriend to die she wouldn’t either. “Oh, you don’t love me because you wouldn’t jump in front of that rabies infested raccoon that was going to take me hostage and rip off my finger nails while slowly dipping me into a piranha pool. I hate you now.”

Second Verse

- “Tell the devil I said ‘hey’ when you get back to where you’re from”

Well at least Pete has established his girlfriend is on friendly terms with Gloria Allred.

- “You’ll smile in my face then / Rip the brakes out my car”

This line simply shows Pete’s foolishness in picking women. Every guy knows not to date a woman that is a hitman (hitwoman?) trained by the Italian mafia. I actually consider it a sign of love she didn’t rig the engine to explode when he started the car. You are more loved than you think, Pete.

Bridge

- “If my body was on fire, ooh / You’d watch me burn down in flames / You said you loved me you’re a liar / Cause you never, ever, ever did baby”

If the girl was truly a demon like he alluded to, he should have seen this coming. Furthermore, nobody can teach you to Stop, Drop, & Roll on the spot. And is she supposed to carry a fire extinguisher with her at all times? I suppose if he was prone to spontaneous combustion it would be nice of her to do, but I doubt this affliction ails him. Sorry, Pete, but you probably should have paid attention in kindergarten.

The song, like every pop song, closes with a drawn out version of the chorus. Sadly for Pete, there is no happy ending (other than the millions of dollars he is making off the song).

If Pete is willing, I would like to attempt to diagnose his romance issues. Maybe the girl he was dating didn’t want a superhero singer/songwriter for a companion. Maybe she wasn’t into the celeb thing. Most of his pubescent audience undeniably finds these grandiose signs of affection appealing. But love and romance is hardly like a Michael Bay film. Maybe the girl was more interested in dating someone that isn’t a self-absorbed jerkoff celebrity. Love is simpler than one might think. I would recommend he try some of my line suggestions for this song’s sequel:

“I’d turn off the game, for ya.”

“I’d take out the trash, for ya.”

“I’d rub both your feet, for ya.”

Pete commits a major oversight in this song. Signs of affection aren’t acts of grandeur; they are little intimate things that show appreciation.

Saying that, I think I’ve come to love Pete, er, Bruno Mars. Because of this song, I wrote my first blog post, which is something I’ve been meaning to do for a while but couldn’t think of the right subject.

To anybody that took the time to actually read this whole thing, I thank you. To anybody that didn’t or did but hated it, then I’m keeping note of you; no grenades will be caught for you anytime soon.