She Probably Doesn't Like You Just the Way You Are

I hate Bruno Mars.

I haven’t quite figured out why, but it probably comes from a variety of reasons.

It may be as simple as I don’t really know what to call him in this blog post because he has one of those names that only sounds good when you say the first and last name together; thus, more keystrokes for myself. The alternatives aren’t very appealing. Bruno has too much negative Sasha Baron Cohen blowback. Mars makes me crave nougat. Mr. Mars is too New York Times-y and makes me think of a bad Val Kilmer movie. BM is funny, but starting one’s blog career with toilet humor probably isn’t the best way to attract a substantial readership. So, through extensive research (i.e. Wikipedia) I discovered his real name is Peter Gene Hernandez. Therefore, Pete it is for the remainder of this post.

Another, more psychologically complex reason for my Pete distaste, is jealousy. Of course I’m going to be envious of someone more talented, wealthy, and attractive than me (minus the horse teeth, of course), especially when he is only a couple years my elder.

But I think the primary root of my distaste is that Pete tends to be a bit whiny. The latest successful example of this is his song “Grenade,” which has been playing everywhere for the last month or so. In fact, the inspiration for this post came while I was in a Subway where I heard the song on Subway Jamz or whatever lame “hip” thing Subway’s CEO decided to call their banal playlist featuring, along with Pete, Nelly and Katy Perry. I mean, can’t a guy order a meatball sub in peace?

ANYWAY, this post is dedicated to “Grenade” and Pete’s unrealistic expectations of women. The song is basically about Pete’s anguish over some chick he loves but she doesn’t reciprocate in a way he deems fitting. As it turns out, Pete would rather date Wonder Woman than the average American chicks that throw themselves at him (and he does coke off of) on a daily basis.

By the way, a / means a line break. That’s one of the few things I remember from college. Well that and what a Celebrity Shooter is in Beer Pong. So, let us have a look at some of the highlights from Pete’s smash hit.

First Verse

- “Should’ve known / You was trouble / From the first kiss / Had your eyes wide open, / Why were they open?”

From this verse, we can see that Pete isn’t a stickler for grammar. Obviously, “was” could be replaced with “were,” which wouldn’t screw with the line syllabically. Here, Pete leaves out very crucial information. Maybe the anonymous girl was an English teacher. Or a Scrabble champion. Also, for Pete to know she was trouble, his only evidence is she had her eyes open when they kissed. Ok, but for him to know that he had to have his eyes open as well. So far, this song is more a scathing critique of boring kissers than it is of his girlfriend.

Chorus

- “Gave you all I had / And you tossed it in the trash, / You tossed it in the trash you did"

Ah, now we get to the real meat of the song. This is the first line of the chorus. But let me be honest. If I told my girlfriend something she did 3 times in about 3 seconds, she would probably leave me too. Like if I said “You forgot the salt, you forgot the salt, you did,” I would deserve a good slap to the face. Or maybe Pete is just on the cutting edge of language. Maybe my future blog posts will read like this: I’m writing down my thoughts, writing down my thoughts, I just did.

- “To give me all your love / Is all I ever asked / ‘Cause you don’t understand is / I’d catch a grenade for ya”

What impresses me is Pete’s combat training. Usually guys that wear hipster hats don’t even know what a grenade is. But even assuming the unlikely scenario of Pete catching anything (other than a bite from a drug sniffing dog) occurs, I think the line is poorly written. After all, if he catches a grenade, why doesn’t he just throw it back. I realize I’m missing the proverbial point, but seriously, I’ve seen enough war movies to know that grenades don’t detonate upon human contact. My guess is the girlfriend wasn’t very impressed by Pete’s lack of resourcefulness.

- “Throw my hand on a blade for ya”

This line confuses me. In what situation would he need to throw his hand on a blade? Did Michael Myers show up one day? Did they have a romantic weekend planned at Camp Crystal Lake? Even if they did, I’m pretty sure Mr. Vorhees would easily dispatch of him before honing in on Pete’s hot girlfriend (she gets away but shows up and dies early in the next movie).

- “I’d wrestle a snake for ya”

Ok fine I made that one up.

-“I’d jump in front of a train for ya”

This song is starting to sound like the next Final Destination. Anyway, here Pete overestimates his strength. Sorry to tell ya, but if you are all that’s standing between her and a train, her chances of survival are not looking very good. This line would be more believable if he said he stopped the train with his hair. Seriously, his hair looks like the Berlin Wall.

- “I would go through all this pain / Take a bullet straight through my brain”

The feeling is mutual when listening to this song.

- “Yes, I would die for you baby / But you won’t do the same”

Talk about a narcissist. He obviously assumes he is something worth dying for, even though we have already established him as a lousy kisser. If he truly loved Girl X, wouldn’t he not want her to do these things? Isn’t the point of the song for her to be safe from all these disasters that occur in whatever dangerous gated community Pete lives in? Has he ever thought that maybe she is embarrassed of him? If I was a girl, I would be embarrassed too if my boyfriend’s idea of a workout is dragging a piano around the city. Also, I bet if I came up with weird scenarios for my girlfriend to die she wouldn’t either. “Oh, you don’t love me because you wouldn’t jump in front of that rabies infested raccoon that was going to take me hostage and rip off my finger nails while slowly dipping me into a piranha pool. I hate you now.”

Second Verse

- “Tell the devil I said ‘hey’ when you get back to where you’re from”

Well at least Pete has established his girlfriend is on friendly terms with Gloria Allred.

- “You’ll smile in my face then / Rip the brakes out my car”

This line simply shows Pete’s foolishness in picking women. Every guy knows not to date a woman that is a hitman (hitwoman?) trained by the Italian mafia. I actually consider it a sign of love she didn’t rig the engine to explode when he started the car. You are more loved than you think, Pete.

Bridge

- “If my body was on fire, ooh / You’d watch me burn down in flames / You said you loved me you’re a liar / Cause you never, ever, ever did baby”

If the girl was truly a demon like he alluded to, he should have seen this coming. Furthermore, nobody can teach you to Stop, Drop, & Roll on the spot. And is she supposed to carry a fire extinguisher with her at all times? I suppose if he was prone to spontaneous combustion it would be nice of her to do, but I doubt this affliction ails him. Sorry, Pete, but you probably should have paid attention in kindergarten.

The song, like every pop song, closes with a drawn out version of the chorus. Sadly for Pete, there is no happy ending (other than the millions of dollars he is making off the song).

If Pete is willing, I would like to attempt to diagnose his romance issues. Maybe the girl he was dating didn’t want a superhero singer/songwriter for a companion. Maybe she wasn’t into the celeb thing. Most of his pubescent audience undeniably finds these grandiose signs of affection appealing. But love and romance is hardly like a Michael Bay film. Maybe the girl was more interested in dating someone that isn’t a self-absorbed jerkoff celebrity. Love is simpler than one might think. I would recommend he try some of my line suggestions for this song’s sequel:

“I’d turn off the game, for ya.”

“I’d take out the trash, for ya.”

“I’d rub both your feet, for ya.”

Pete commits a major oversight in this song. Signs of affection aren’t acts of grandeur; they are little intimate things that show appreciation.

Saying that, I think I’ve come to love Pete, er, Bruno Mars. Because of this song, I wrote my first blog post, which is something I’ve been meaning to do for a while but couldn’t think of the right subject.

To anybody that took the time to actually read this whole thing, I thank you. To anybody that didn’t or did but hated it, then I’m keeping note of you; no grenades will be caught for you anytime soon.