If it seems like with my recent posts that I’m just ripping off my own posts from February 2011, then you would be exactly right (initializing forced segue). The format for this 2012 Oscars recap will be exactly like the format for the 2011 recap, which you can look at here. Why? Because it was one of my favorite things to write last year and I like how it turned out.
This, however, is not totally unlike the 2012 Oscars (forced segue complete). Three of the top Oscar contenders this year are The Artist, Hugo, and Midnight in Paris, (by the way, all 3 are heavily France-influenced) the first two of which are 1930s-ish period pieces and the latter a film in which about half the runtime is set in the 1930s-ish. In other words, films that explore how the past shapes the present.
I'm not saying Hollywood is running out of ideas thanks to the tent pole, superheroification of popular film (though, it is). Contrarily, these 3 films are all very good and all very artistically unique. But they do represent the trend in 2011 of waxing nostalgic for “yesterday.” The Artist and Hugo, though radically different films, honor the silent era and the birth of modern movies. Meanwhile, Midnight in Paris recalls some of the great early 20th century artists, many who peaked just before film became THE escapist entertainment of choice (before TV later dethroned movies).
This is all nice and I have no problem recalling the past for a couple of hours, but when we do so it tends to ignore the artistic beauty that can lie in the present. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was my favorite movie from 2011, and yet it didn’t receive a Best Picture nomination*. With eerily cold cinematography and unconventional musical score, Girl was a terrific example of what can make film great: testing conventional boundaries and breaking through them every once in a while.
* It did end up winning Best Editing, one of the more prestigious awards of the night. Quite often, Best Picture and Best Editing honor the same movie.
2011 was a mediocre year for movies. There were lots of Very Good movies, but I didn’t see any that were jaw droppingly excellent (last year, off the top of my head, I thought The Social Network, Toy Story 3, Inception, and, to a lesser extent, Black Swan, all fit that criteria). The past is nice and it is comforting to reflect, but it can also hold us back. When Owen Wilson’s character in Midnight in Paris realizes this, he immediately becomes better for it. All he had to do was understand was the present had to offer him.
Now, enough of me being pretentious. Let’s make fun of some celebrities, shall we? Here’s my live reaction to watching the 84th Oscars.
5:30PT – Morgan Freeman introduces the opening Billy Crystal montage. I made an immediate connection to penguins when I saw him wearing a tux.
5:32 – As Billy Crystal is wont to do, the opening montage features him spliced into some of 2011’s prominent movies. Here, in a riff on The Descendants, George Clooney kisses a “comatose” Billy Crystal on the lips. It was better than Crash.
5:33 – Justin Bieber cameos in a Midnight in Paris bit. Bieber looks like a lot of the girls that Woody Allen would find attractive.
5:36 – Crystal opening monologue. I’m not a Bill Crystal apologist or anything, but my God is he way better at this than James Franco.
5:41 – Tom Hanks presenting first award. Maybe he’ll give back Travolta’s Oscar from 1994.**
** That would be for Pulp Fiction. Hanks won for Forrest Gump that year. I’m incredibly biased because Pulp is my favorite movie, so feel free to ignore my curmudgeon-y overtures.
5:42 – Hanks introduces the official Oscar seat filler (I forgot the name. He was old), whose job it is to fill a seat, for TV purposes, if one of the actual stars gets up to use the restroom or present an award. Funny, because I thought that was Bradley Cooper’s job.
5:43 – Gandalf the White takes home the Oscar for Best Cinematography for Hugo. For this category I was OK with anything winning; all 5 nominees were shot brilliantly.
Still, I’m glad The Artist didn’t win. If it did, this is what my post would have looked like: “5:30-9:00 – The Artist wins everything.”
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| Gandalf, posing with Oscar |
5:45 – Art Direction Oscar now. I believe this award is for set decoration and stuff like that. Interior decorating on crack, more or less. It’s possible that your wife or girlfriend thinks they can do this job better than the nominees.
Hugo wins again. Brisk pace so far. They’ll be through the categories nobody cares about in record time.
5:48 – Ellen DeGeneres dressed as a cowboy for a JC Penny commercial. I always wondered what the sequel to Brokeback Mountain would be like.
5:51 – Clip from Amelie shown. Yes, because the French need more attention tonight.
5:55 – The Artist wins Best Costume Design. So it begins.
5:56 – Not that I know anything about fashion or costume design, but The Artist doesn’t feel like a deserving winner. Yes, some sort of recognition is deserved for finding a tuxedo large enough for John Goodman, but most of the outfits seemed pretty generic.
I would have awarded Jack & Jill. It wasn’t nominated, but maybe if Adam Sandler wins an Oscar, he’ll go away.
6:00 – Speaking of, here’s Adam Sandler talking about movies. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m going to ignore the guy that was associated with Eight Crazy Nights when he talks about the magic of movies.
Throughout the night, some of Hollywood’s biggest stars will appear in these segments. Just them, $100 T-shirts, and a black background, rapping about movies with us, the obedient viewer. They tell us about how cool movies were for them when they were kids. They conveniently leave out the part where movies are even more magical for them now, when they make $20 million for appearing in things like Legally Blonde.
6:05 – Sandra Bullock presents Best Foreign Language film. In Darkness is a nominee from Poland; it’s a Holocaust film. Anyone else find it funny Poland is trying to get in on the Oscar-baiting Holocaust train? Also, “Holocaust train” may have been a poor choice of words. Also, my blog just won an Academy Award for using the word “Holocaust” 4 times in 4 sentences.
6:09 – Christian Bales presents Best Supporting Actor. Octavia Spencer, from The Help, wins. Bale then instructs her to move the light fixtures.
But seriously, with Octavia Spencer’s win, a big round of applause is due to white people everywhere. Your guilt propelled her to victory. Nicely done. Me? I felt it was deserved. Because of her role, the phrase “eat shit” sounds sort of appealing.***
*** Like, didn’t the poo pie look delicious? I would have eaten it even after knowing. Bryce Dallas Howard seemed to like it, and if Bryce Dallas Howard likes something, then so do I. Except The Village. That sucked.
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| I'd eat it |
6:13 – Spencer calls her Oscar the “hottest guy in the room.” Clooney and Pitt begin seeing who can piss the farthest.
6:16 – Subway commercial for $5 foot longs. No, Michael Fassbender is not the spokesperson.
6:22 – Bradley Cooper co-presents Best Film Editing. Weird choice because The Hangover 2 should have been left entirely on the cutting room floor. We’ll always have All About Steve.
6:25 – Girl with the Dragon Tattoo wins Best Editing in an upset over The Artist. Huge victory for rape right there.
6:33 – Commercial inviting us to Great Britain. No thanks, I saw The King’s Speech and that was enough, thank you. Any country that bows to scepter-wielding incest connoisseurs sounds like an area of the world I want to avoid.
6:34 – Kermit and Miss Piggy in a booth. Kermit might be new to presenting; he looks a little green.
/rimshot
/still better than Bruce Vilanch
6:35 – Cirque du Soliel performance. Time to go wash socks or something.
6:36 – Which reminds me: separating whites and colors is basically the plot to The Help.
6:39 – Crystal points out this is the 84th Oscars and segues that into talking about how old nominees Max von Sydow and Christopher Plummer are. They still aren’t as old as Crystal’s act.
6:45 – Rango wins Best Animated Feature, a film about a reptile that’s trying to find his way in the world. I did some research and apparently it’s not about Harvey Weinstein.
6:58 – Melissa Leo (old) presents Best Supporting Actor, which Christopher Plummer (older) wins. It’s essentially a Cialis commercial on stage right now.
7:01 – Max von Sydow doesn’t win. Death claims von Sydow’s bishop. Check.****
**** That was a Seventh Seal reference. You haven’t seen it, don’t worry about it. I only saw it because I took a Nordic cinema class in college.
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| "Yep, Hitler is as much of a douche as you would think Max. Your move." |
7:04 – Commercial for Titanic: 3D. My fiancée asks if I want to see Kate Winslet’s boob in 3D. Well when you put it that way…
7:06 – Argument ensues over whether the kids on the Titanic died. I say all the poor kids died. She says “they didn’t show that because nobody cares about poor kids.” 1% FTW.
7:09 – Uggie, the dog from The Artist, makes his first appearance. To his credit, he likes the smell of his own ass about as much as the rest of Hollywood likes their own.
7:12 – “Man, I really miss James Franco” - Nobody
7:14 – The Artist wins Best Original Score. Somewhere, Kim Novak is throwing around the term “rape” like an over-caffeinated 15-year-old Call of Duty addict.
7:18 – Bret McKenzie wins for Best Original Song for “Man or Muppet.” It’s business time (McKenzie is the guy that pops up in the background every so often):
No, I don't care this is a Jemaine song.
7:19 – Flight attendant looking chicks begin passing out popcorn to the stars, for some reason.
7:19:30 – Line forms for women’s restroom. Puking sounds come from stalls. Popcorn kernels everywhere.
7:24 – Angelina Jolie struts (no other word, really) to the mic, presents nominees for Best Adapted Screenplay. Remember when she was allegedly sexy? Not anymore. It’s as if she wants to be as gaunt as her children’s biological parents. It’s called good parenting.
7:39 – Bridesmaids 2: Bombing at the Oscars
7:40 – Something called The Shore wins Live Action Short film. The winners are a father/daughter team. I see a theme tonight, because Woody Allen is also familiar with successful father/daughter teams.
7:50 – Michael Douglas presents the Oscar for Best Director. Michel Hazanavcius wins for The Artist and claims he is the happiest director in the world right now. George Lucas and his billion dollars disagree.
7:56 – Recap of the Governors Awards. Oprah won one. I mean, she really is integral to the film industry. You got The Color Purple, a future Roots remake most likely, and, um….
8:00 – Death montage coming up!!!!!! The Grammys and then the Oscars? Whitney Houston is trolling us now.
8:02 – Death montage!!!!
8:05 – Completely forgot Sidney Lumet died. Look at the title of this last film (great movie, by the way). Little creepy, right?
8:06 – Steve Jobs, pioneer of cinema, is honored. Even Oprah thinks he didn’t deserve it.
8:07 – Interesting for the Elizabeth Taylor part, they show a clip from Cleopatra, a massive flop that almost caused the death of FOX.
8:14 – Natalie Portman presenting Best Actor. Demian Bichir introduced first for his work portraying an illegal immigrant gardener in A Better Life. Little does he know La Migra is waiting outside.
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| $20 some Hollywood exec tried to get Bichir to prune their azaleas |
8:15 – Portman salutes Clooney for his work in The Descendants, praising his ability to be a “regular person.” Yes, because all us average Joes were able to identify with Matt King (Clooney’s character), a guy that couldn’t decide if he wanted to sell off his inherited Hawaiian land, which would have netted him half a billion dollars, because he was sad and his wife sucked at water sports. Totally applicable in everyday life.
What a bitch.
8:17 – I tell my fiancée that even if he wanted to, George Clooney couldn’t buy the Lakers. They’re worth too much. He is world famous, in the 1%, ridiculously handsome/charming/talented, gets to do his job in places like Hawaii, sleeping with Stacy Kiebler, and I don’t even know if he likes basketball or would want to buy the Lakers.
But still, it makes me feel better. Suck it, Clooney. You’ll never own Kobe.
8:19 – Jean Dujardin wins for The Artist. Sure.
8:25 – Colin Firth introducing Best Actress nominees. He does not bloody well stammer.
8:25 - If Rooney Mara doesn’t win, Firth is totally getting a dildo up the arse.
8:26 – Weirded myself out because I was debating whether or not I think Meryl Streep is hot. This needs to end soon.
8:28 – Michelle Williams (My Week with Marilyn) deserves something for convincingly playing a woman that every man in the 50s masturbated to.
8:29 – Meryl Streep wins for her role in The Iron Lady in a mild upset over Viola Davis’ performance in The Help. I wonder if when Academy members voted for Octavia Spencer, they didn’t want to also vote for Davis. Though the roles are much different (Spencer explosive, Davis understated), it would have bored them to vote for 2 house maids. Maybe Spencer was meant to be a group Oscar for The Help; that way, they felt comfortable voting for a legend like Meryl Streep.
Or maybe they’re just racist.
8:32 – Tom Cruise presenting Best Picture. Lower the mic.
8:33 – Just told my fiancée I would buy her diamond earrings if Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close wins Best Picture. Sucker.
8:35 – The Artist wins. Hollywood circle jerks itself.
8:35:10 – But hey….I don’t have to buy diamond earrings.
8:37: Oscar is almost taller than Michael Hazanavcius.
8:38: “I won an Oscar. Bitches love Oscars” – Uggie
That’s a wrap. Relatively painless show. Billy Crystal was typical Billy Crystal but at least he pulls it off. Couple surprises to keep things interesting. But overall the night, as predicted, belonged to The Artist. Tune in next year to see if Best Picture favorite Battleship takes home the most statues and if Tyler Perry finally dances with Oscar.
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| Uggie has a better life than you |
