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There are 2 different genres of Christmas music. There’s the “Christmas is so awesome!” (think “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”) genre and “Oh crap that’s right the holiday is about Jesus, time to act somber” (think “Silent Night”) genre. Songs like “Joy to the World” are outliers because they’re festive AND try to care more about Jesus than the new Sony flat screen under the tree. Whoever wrote “Joy to the World” is an overachiever.
Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” definitely falls in the festive category. You don’t even have to listen to the song; you just have to look at Carey to know she’s more likely to kiss Santa Claus than buy some frankincense at the local Bloomingdale’s.
If you have to access to a radio, then you know that “All I Want for Christmas is You” has been a holiday staple since it debuted in 1994, when Carey was at the height of her powers. Sure she’s had some hits this decade and stayed in the public eye after marrying the little drummer boy from Drumline, but this song guarantees that for about 5 weeks a year, Carey will be raking in cash and staying relevant until she dies.
There’s nothing wrong with the song, per se. I suppose for Christmas songs it’s decent, but the fact that it is literally inescapable is the infuriating thing.* For me, the opening bell rings don’t signal 4 minutes of yuletide fun, but a harbinger of over saturated Christmas doom.
*Case in point: my car is a piece of crap and I can’t listen to the radio because something went wrong with the speakers; and even I have heard the song at least 20 times the last 2 weeks.
So, what makes this song so popular? It’s actually probably just because it was released at a time when people still bought CDs, so everyone bought it. And, again, there are 8 different Christmas songs and nobody wants to cover this Mariah song. Instead we just try to one-up a dead Nat King Cole; I’m looking at you, Michael Bubble (spelling mine). So Mariah is, relative to her contemporaries, original.
I decided that I’m going to forgo my usual holiday post, the one where I write about stuff about that holiday that bugs me**, and take a look at the lyrics for “All I Want for Christmas is You” to see if I’m missing any magic or something.
** People that write “CHRISTmas,” people that get offended when you say “Merry Christmas,” being less excited about opening presents because you’re old, perfectly good baked goods that are ruined by walnuts, “Feliz Navidad,” David Stern unleashing his totalitarian wrath on the Lakers and making me dread the first game, people joking we’re celebrating the birth of Tim Tebow (it stopped being funny after about 10 minutes)
In case you are one of the blessed few that hasn’t heard this song, here’s a home video quality music video where Mariah plays in the snow with a grabby, probably homeless Santa. Enjoy:
“I don't want a lot for Christmas”
Funny, because that’s what small children in Africa say, too. Amazing that impoverished third world children share the same desires as multi-millionaire recording artists. Of course, they usually follow the phrase with “but some clean water might be nice,” but please, continue.
“There is just one thing I need”
Man, don’t you hate it when your botox wears off?
“I don't care about the presents / Underneath the Christmas tree”
Yeah, um, no, that’s a lie. Every guy knows that when they ask their girlfriend or wife what she wants for Christmas and replies with “oh nothing, just spending time with you,” they’re lying. If you show up empty handed to present opening and say “I didn’t get you anything, you said you didn’t want anything,” it’s going to be a cold Christmas night on the couch.
Imagine in the Carey household, Nick Cannon doesn’t so much as get her a signed copy of The Nick Cannon Show DVDs or a lock of Piers Morgan’s hair; she would be pissed! She would be one butterfly that he isn’t catching for at least a week.
I think if we take this lyric literally, Mariah is being completely honest in that she doesn’t give a crap about the presents under the tree. But that’s because Nick better have bought her a Bentley that doesn’t fit under the tree.
“I just want you for my own”
“Sure, of course baby” – Nick Cannon
/sweating
“More than you could ever know”
I might be reading into it too much, but this sounds like a threat.
“Make my wish come true / All I want for Christmas / Is you”
(to the tune) “And some diamonds might be / nice too”
“I don't need to hang my stocking / There upon the fireplace”
Because that’s what poor people do.
“Santa Claus won't make me happy / With a toy on Christmas Day”
Unless the toy is a new handbag. Then yeah, Santa Claus would totally make me happy.
“Oh I won't ask for much this Christmas / I won't even wish for snow”
Guys, is this what it has come to? We can’t just buy all sorts of crap, but now we have to command the weather. “Um, gee I hate to bother you God, but you think you can make it snow? Yeah I bought my girlfriend a pony except it’s going to waste unless it’s snowing when I give it to her. It would be great if it could be 70 degrees too, she hates the cold.”
Thanks babe, I won’t worry about trying to deliver a magical snowy morning.
“And I'm just gonna keep on waiting / Underneath the mistletoe”
That’s good, keep practicing. Few more years of collagen and your lips will be permanently puckered.
“I won't make a list and send it / To the North Pole for Saint Nick”
Dear Santa, I’ve been real good this year. Like you asked, I haven’t made a sequel to Glitter. All I want for Christmas is (you) for my Christmas album to start playing in mid-November. I know you previously said that making the Christmas season longer would dilute the specialness of Christmas, but I want to spread joy to the masses. Also, can you prevent Burl Ives’ birth? He’s stealing my airplay. Love, Mariah.
“Oh all the lights are shining / So brightly everywhere / And the sound of children's / Laughter fills the air”
That is, she hears the children laughing when she sees them for the designated 15 minutes per day before the nanny resumes child-raising duties. Man, twins must be hard.
“And everyone is singing / I hear those sleigh bells ringing”
I think that’s just the band trying to play you off, but sure.
“Santa won't you bring me the one I really need? Won't you please bring my baby to me?”
Wait, when did this song turn into the plot for Planes, Trains and Automobiles: Female Perspective. Sorry Mariah, but if your baby isn’t home for the holidays, he’s probably just not that into. I guess you should have shed that baby weight earlier.
And when did Santa become Special-Ops? So the guy is in charge of reading letters from kids around the world, judging their gift receiving merits, employing elves to work in his sweat – er – workshop, training reindeer to fly, and NOW he has to find the guy you hooked up with at the 1996 American Music Awards after party because you’re lonely on Christmas? If I was Santa I would’ve retired long ago.
***
The song basically just repeats itself the rest of way and I didn’t want to listen to anymore, lest my ears bleed.
It’s an admittedly catchy tune and it will admittedly be stuck in my head for the rest of the day since I just listened to it about 5 times. As far as Christmas songs go, it’s not that bad.
My hypothesis is that this song’s success is primarily because it isn’t boring. It isn’t Nat King Cole or Elvis or that crap that Generation X’ers grew up to listening to because that’s what they’re parents listened to. It is a hip song, relatively. Though that’s a ridiculous thing to say but when you’re competing with “Frosty the Snowman,” it isn’t exactly saying much.
Whether you love or loathe this song, try to remember the most important part of Christmas this year. No, not spending time with family, but the start of the NBA season. Even if you’re a Lakers fan, take solace knowing all the Clippers fans will dissipate quickly when Blake Griffin concusses himself on the rim.
Have a merry Christmas and I will probably be back next week for something New Years related.
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