Apples ARE Better Than Rocks: My Hallowen Party Banished List

No plans this weekend? No problem! I’m throwing my first ever Halloween party, and you are likely invited. I say likely because, as long as you don’t fit the below criteria, you are more than welcome. Costumes are encouraged but not mandatory.

(Full disclosure: I’m plagiarizing this idea from myself)

Now, for those banned from my party:

The No’s

Apple People

By apple people, I refer to those homes that dole (fruit reference) out apples and healthy options instead of candy for trick or treating kids. Never mind the obvious problems associated with an early 20s man complaining about the current state of trick or treating but please, indulge me.

Apple People are below Juice Box People but still above Turn Off The Lights And Pretend We’re Not Home Even Though The Neighborhood Can Clearly See The TV Glow Through The Curtains People (unless you are court ordered against doing so, at least leave a candy tray outside*) on the trick or treating hierarchy.

* Tray People are the direct opposite of Apple People because they are every kid’s favorite candy destination. Unless they also have the sign attached to the candy tray that says “Take Only 1 Piece Please,” like they are the morality police. Whatever lady, I was here first, it’s my candy. Tough luck for Spiderman and Harry Potter, they can wait their turn. **Did I mention I’m a college graduate?

** Costume idea for this year: Paula Deen. All you do is eat baked potatoes with extra cheese, sour cream, chives (for fiber), bacon, and, oh, why not chili. Then fry it. And put it in a cake. Do that for a solid month before Halloween; then on the big day, coat your skin in extra-salted Land O’Lakes and you’re good to go (Paula Deen is the OG of Epic Meal Time).

More impressive: the structure or that Paula hasn't eaten it yet?

I assume that Apple People are primarily older community members that genuinely think apples are a treat because during the Depression their apple tree in the backyard sustained life for 4 years. But to kids now, apples are nothing more than the side option you never get with your Happy Meal.

Yet, some Apple People are the minivan moms that want to ensure that their kids have enough energy for soccer practice. “Gee, thanks Mrs. P, but if I wanted an apple and a Kashi bar, I’d just go live at a homeless shelter. I’m totally throwing this at your Honda Odyssey later.”

Give the kid a Snickers and be done with it. Our youth are all headed for diabetes anyway.

William Shatner Look-alikes

Better safe than sorry. (Pardon the German dubbing, though it might make the dialogue better.)

Paranormal Activity sequels

Just when the Saw franchise is ending, we have another Halloween movie franchise tradition. Like the original Saw, the first Paranormal Activity was low-budgeted yet inspired. Overall, just good, suspenseful filmmaking. Then another one came out. And another. Before you know it there will be a 3-D version where you can almost touch the filmmakers mailing it in.

I saw the first one in theaters after all the initial hype, so I went in knowing what to expect and didn’t find it “piss my pants scary” like some claimed. But I still enjoyed it and was riveted for the duration. Much of its success (for me anyway) though, was predicated on being fresh and proving that you don’t need a ton of money to make a great genre film (like Clerks). But I can’t force myself to sit through sequels that undoubtedly have higher budgets, resulting in a lost charm of sorts.

And while the original didn’t terrify me, I was still admittedly scared at some parts. But I imagine much of that is lost with the sequels. How often can a swinging door or malfunctioning TV be scary, ya know?

The X Factor

If Simon Cowell’s t-shirts were any tighter, they might squeeze out his buried career past, the one where he endorsed such prestigious acts as the Teletubbies and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. And Ruben Studdard.

“Sexy” Costumes

One of Halloween’s clichés is that it gives girls a chance to justify slutting it up once a year. And it’s a totally valid cliché, because all girls dress like sluts. But I’m not here to complain about THAT. Many of the costumes are indeed effective. Sexy pirate? Sure, why not. Sexy zombie? I imagine it’s like hooking up with a Quaalude-induced Lindsay Lohan, but ok.*** Sexy librarian? If you have a thing for glasses (me) and pretending to be knowledgeable about literature (me again), yep.

***If Hugh Hefner is showing any signs of aging, the most notable one is that Lohan is going to be in “Playboy.” Shudder.

But the slutty costumes that disturb me are things like Sexy Nun and Sexy Nurse (there’s something psychological to be said that these tropes are found attractive by men, especially when they are figures that aid those in need of healing, be it spiritual or physical; there’s a college paper idea if you need one Anonymous College Student follower of mine).

Maybe since I don’t go to the doctor’s office enough I haven’t had enough time to develop the proper fantasy regarding nurses (zombie outbreak outside, only you and the nurse who for some reason looks exactly like Brooklyn Decker remain, Earth needs more people, yada yada yada annnnnnnnnd SCENE!), but my interaction with them is always nothing more than awkward pleasantries which are more awkward because she is currently looking at my entire medical history (but if an asthmatic childhood is her thing, then we might be on to something). Also, because I know nothing about medical practices, I always have a mini freak out before I get a shot or have blood drawn because I’m worried the nurse forgot to flick the needle. Would that even kill me if she didn’t? Probably not. Furthermore, they’re never wearing sexy nurse skirts, but dull blue scrubs, which sucks the life out of those that just look at them. 

Even the zombies don't want her for her brains

 And nuns remind me of old ladies. If you were dating a nun, your night would most likely consist of BINGO and apple sauce spooning. The most attractive nun I can think of is Julie Andrews from The Sound of Music, and she’s just ok. Plus, she played a maid in Mary Poppins, another sexy Halloween trope.****

**** Although a spoon full of sugar might be different from a sexy maid, AMIRITE?!  No? Ok, let’s move on.

The last one I’ll mention is Sexy School Girl, which is really just legalized To Catch a Predator. Men are weird.

Egg Throwers

Good luck on the GED test next week.

Large Rabbits

Better safe than sorry.

Jack-o-Lanterns

An odd tradition. With no other vegetation do we feel the need to gut and carve funny faces into. Also a lot of work for something that’s going to rot in 48 hours (or smashed on your lawn by people that should be studying for the GED). And why do carved pumpkins only have a couple teeth? I realize for pumpkins in Arkansas this is perfectly accurate, but why can’t California pumpkins be blessed with a nice set of pearly oranges? It’s a terrifying and racist trend to assume that all pumpkins lack proper dental hygiene. 

Just because I think it's funny

For the artistically uninclined, carving pumpkins is just another tradition that proves how inept you are at crafts. For kids that sucked at art (like me), any holiday is a drag. And the teachers always treat it like it’s some sort of learning disability. Yeah, so what if I can’t make an effing snowflake, I’ve NEVER BEEN IN THE SNOW, LADY, it’s Los Angeles; also, these paper snowflakes are probably a million times larger than a regular snowflake; get your scale straight Miss Hoover.

Having kids make crafts is a lot of pressure. The girls love it because then they get to bedazzle the hell out of their projects with the glitter buried deep in their Nordstrom’s pencil box (the perils of going to private school). Some of the boys like it, but it’s always the ones that play tether ball and are probably way too good at it. But for me and the rest of my ilk, it’s brutal. “Now class, make something nice for your mom for Mother’s Day.” And as you’re making your paper mache heart that looks more like something out of Gray’s Anatomy (the book) than you intended, you realize it’s an atrocity but like hell if you’re starting over because you don’t want to do it anyway and really your only alternative is drawing a dog that is simply a circle with 4 lines sticking out of it and a happy face while Wendy (she’s such a bitch) is doing her best Van Gogh impression that took her about 7 minutes while you’re still stuck on the circle and the collapsed paper mache heart and then the teacher walks by and forces out her best “Oh…nice job Andrew, your mom is going to love it” even though you know she’s lying but you have to endure and finish the craft (the word “craft” always bothered me too) because you are still too young and stupid to realize that completing assignments in elementary school is more or less pointless.

So yeah, no pumpkins.

YEEHAW!

Mike Napoli celebrating a home run with Adrian Beltre and Mitch Moreland

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) -- Texas Rangers catcher Mike Napoli hit 4 home runs, including the game winning Grand Slam in the 9^th inning, to lead the Rangers to their first World Series Championship over the St. Louis Cardinals in Game 7 with a 9-8 victory.

The Cardinals were one strike away from claiming their first title since 2006. In the top of the 9^th, Napoli hit a 3-2 “fastball” off of Tony La Russa to deep centerfield. Estimations have listed that the ball traveled 800 feet.

When asked to comment on the prodigious home run, Cardinals hitting coach Mark McGwire said “Meh. Try doing that when you have acne covering your back. Not comfortable.”

“It’s the greatest feeling in the world,” said an exuberant Napoli. “Ya know, last year I never thought I would be in a position to use my talents and help my team win a World Series. It really helped this year getting a chance to play.”

Napoli was referring to his 2010 season with the Los Angeles Angels, where he was often benched in favor of Jeff Mathis, who suffers from a rare and serious condition in which he falls into a coma for 3 hours at a time, usually from April-September starting around 7:05pm each night.

“I just want to thank the Rangers for acquiring me last winter…and also my neck beard. Yeah, I mostly want to thank my neck beard,” said Napoli just before cracking open a Pabst Blue Ribbon and shooting an elk with his hunting rifle, a longstanding tradition for Texas teams celebrating a championship.

Cardinals manager Tony La Russa put himself into a bind in this game with an odd choice of strategy. To try to combat Napoli’s torrid production in the series, La Russa decided he would use his patented bullpen wizardry against the Texas slugger by inserting a new relief pitcher into the game for each pitch.

“I thought this tactic might really confuse Napoli. He’s just such a great hitter that you want to try to keep him off-balance as much as possible,” said La Russa. “Unfortunately he fouled off 10 pitches in the 1st inning, so that really put us in a tough spot.”

With the Cardinals in desperate need of pitching, La Russa decided to insert himself into the game. In what appeared to be a stroke of luck for the Cardinals, former Tampa Bay ace Scott Kazmir was in St. Louis for an Insurance Salesmen Convention. Reports swirled before the game that Scott Kazmir, the former Tampa Bay ace, would be signed to a 1 day contract to pitch for the Cardinals in case they ran out of pitchers. However, La Russa and GM John Mozeliak agreed it was best to just let La Russa pitch if such a situation arose.

“I was a little disappointed,” said Kazmir via phone interview. “I think negotiations broke down during my bullpen session when I killed the Rally Squirrel. It was about 30 feet off the plate, so obviously way too close. Oh well, that’s baseball. By the way, are you covered in case of a flood?”

But the real story of the series was Napoli, the much-maligned catcher with the Angels that blossomed into a star this season with the Rangers, hitting .320 with a .414 on-base percentage and 30 home runs.

“He was berry, berry good,” said Cardinals superstar Albert Pujols, who may have played his last game as a Cardinal since he becomes a free agent in about a week. “I happy I not have to play him next year when I’m on the Cubs. Cubs are berry bad.”

After the Angels dealt Napoli to Toronto in exchange for Vernon Wells, the Blue Jays then sent Napoli to Texas for relief pitcher Frank Francisco.

“We’re thrilled Mike fell into our hands this offseason,” said Rangers CEO Nolan Ryan. “Lemme tell you a little story. See, Toronto didn’t want to trade him. They thought he could 40 home runs there. And I got to figgerin,’ we shouldn’t let an upstanding, white American rot in Canada. It ain’t proper. You been there? It’s terrible. There’s no Texas anywhere. So I sent some of George Dubyas secret service men to waterboard that Greek sumbitch, [Toronto GM] Alex Chickenpita, until he traded Mike to us.”

When asked if Texas missed Frank Francisco’s contributions, Ryan asked “Who the hell is Frank Francisco?”

Former Angels GM Tony Reagins, the man responsible for initially trading away Napoli, declined comment for this story, citing that he needed to be one of the first 100 customers at a Del Taco grand opening in Tustin so that he would receive free Macho burritos for a year.

Angels manager Mike Scioscia was reached for a phone interview and had this statement: “I tip my cap to Mike; I’m very proud of what he did this year. It was clear that when he went to Texas, he began heeding me advice by taking everything one game at a time. I’m also glad to see he worked on his CERA [Catcher’s ERA] skills, because those are clearly the most important skills for a catcher. Pitcher’s are irrelevant to outcomes. Also – oh hold on a second – Jeff! Jeffy! How many times do I have to tell you? If you’re going to walk around the house in lingerie, make sure it’s the one I like. You know, the one with the chest protector and shin guards – oh crap you didn’t hear that did you?”

“It’s all about making the best of your opportunities,” said Napoli. “Sometimes, a fresh environment is all someone needs to succeed. And cocaine. Like, seriously, you wouldn’t believe how much coke [centerfielder Josh Hamilton] and [manager Ron Washington] provide. You can stay up all night taking batting practice with just a few lines.”

Napoli was named World Series MVP. Among the 34 World Series records he set in the Fall Classic, two of the more notable records were his 1.000 on-base percentage and 13 home runs.

Meanwhile, Vernon Wells is still under contract through 2014.

Netflix Customers: A Rant Against the Ranters

In July 2011, Netflix, the internet-based DVD delivery/online streaming service largely responsible for crushing Blockbuster, announced there would be a price hike up to 60% for some subscribers. Many of the company’s 25 million subscribers cancelled their membership in protest, causing a PR disaster and Netflix’s stock to plummet at the time. In September, CEO Reed Hastings sent an email to subscribers apologizing for the price increase; but rather than cancelling the increase, Hastings announced Netflix would be split into two companies for efficiency and customer satisfaction. Netflix would still remain as the streaming option, but Qwikster would be created for the DVD delivery service. After more public backlash, backlash citing confusion and inconvenience patronizing two separate cites, Netflix decided to abandon proceedings for the idea. What follows is a brief rant aimed at Netflix customers…

So Netflix raised prices. And? On what planet is it Netflix’s key responsibility to remain loyal to customers rather than make money?

Reed Hastings (a made-up surfer name if there ever was one) is not your friend, much like Steve Jobs was not your friend. The closest they come in contact with the general public is when their secretaries are under their desk. The American public thinks Reed’s job is to keep them happy. Wrong, Reed’s job is to keep the stockholders happy. If he doesn’t, the yacht he plans on buying is going to lose a level. If any of the people citing disloyalty and morality as their chief complaints were in Hastings’ position, they would take similar action to increase revenue, unless they are the ultimate moralists.*

*In which case, an ultimate moralist would never rise to CEO of a major corporation.

If he's going to be fired for anything, it should be because he's holding "A Sound of Thunder" disc and smiling at the same time

 

 I may sound like Mr. Capitalist and The Man, but I think I’m just being rational. So Netflix costs you $20/month instead of the previous $15/month now, right? Ok, think of how often you blow $5 in a month. “Super Size me? Yes please!” ($1). “Yeah I guess I’ll donate $1 to the children’s hospital even though I don’t want to but I don’t want to look like a bad person…stupid movie theater” ($2). “This gum has two flavors in one stick?! I must have!” ($3). “Meh, one more dance won’t hurt” ($45).

See, stuff like this happens every month. Netflix is trying to make money and survive as a company; we’re the ones being fast and loose with our spending money.

“But Andrew, it’s a tough economy!” cries the Greek choir I made up.

True, the economy sucks, but Netflix is also a great way to save money. If you’re a person that watches a decent amount of movies, then simply save them for Netflix release. So let’s say you’re going to see the new Ryan Gosling movie.** Unless you’re one of THOSE people that attends movies by yourself, that saves $20 right there, not to mention on snacks that we won’t be able to resist because the popcorn smell is intoxicating and Sour Patch Kids were ordained by God as his candy of choice (“Just 50 cents to upgrade to a medium container of sugar water? Sure, why not” ($45.50)). Even if you eliminate going to the movies one time a month, and save that movie for Netflix, the subscription already pays for itself. Now, do that 4 times per month, and Netflix starts to look like an amazing bargain even with the newly inflated price.

**You know, the one where he’s really attractive and the lead actress wants to disrobe whenever she sees him because, you know, he’s Gosling.

Insert inappropriate joke using "Gosling," "women," and "streaming"

  

And if the cost is still too steep, then drop the streaming option. The movies suck anyway. For every Up-caliber title you might find in the not-so-extensive library, you’re going to find 8 different Ernest Goes to Camp spin-offs (Ernest goes to Cerritos AutoSquare, anyone?). I get it, streaming movies to your TV is cool and new, but it’s still raw. And unless you’ll watch anything the TV tells you to watch, give Netflix some time to gather better licenses for their streaming product.

RIP Ernest

As for the Qwikster thing, yeah it was probably a bad idea.***It doesn’t make sense to take two services that were previously available on one website and split them up into two different websites, accounts, credit card charges, etc. But then again, what are we complaining about? Having 2 separate accounts?! On 2 websites?! How primitive!

***It’s also a stupid name. It sounds like something this creature would use to self-medicate.

It’s probable you have at least 10 (bare minimum; and yes, Mr. Skin counts) accounts and passwords floating around cyberspace (you were probably directed to this blog through Facebook (1 account), which to sign up for you need an email account (2 accounts)). What’s one more? And don’t give me this crap about confusion. Chances are, if you’re trying to stream movies through your Wii into your 56” Sony, you’re tech savvy enough to know what website is the streaming service and which one isn’t. If you can miraculously compartmentalize your different online credit card/bank accounts, Netflix will be a piece of cake.

I might sound like a corporate shill, but really, I’m just a person that sees no problems with Netflix’s actions the past 3 months. I get annoyed hearing the complainers that like complaining for the sake of complaining. I’d rather they raise prices and survive than keep prices stagnant and crumble. It’s a service I’ve used extensively for 3 years. It’s convenient, reliable, and the DVD selection is 2^nd to none.

I’ve read a lot of backlash from disgruntled former subscribers, exclaiming that Netflix will crumble amongst its own avarice. But this is only an exercise in naiveté. Let’s break this down simply: say Netflix has 25 million subscribers that pay $1/month, but now they pay $5/month. So Netflix’s earnings have increased from $25 million to $125 million per month. But then with the price changes, 1 million seething people cancel their subscriptions and declare that the public has won and Netflix will falter into nothingness bwahahahahahaha. Ok, so there’s 24 million subscribers paying $5/month still, meaning Netflix’s profits are $120 million, when they were initially $25 million before the price hikes. Netflix isn’t faltering like the doomsayers predicted; it’s thriving.    

Now, I’m no economist and that was a very simple thought experiment. But Netflix’s apologies and Hastings’ emails are nothing more than a PR stunt. So when Reed smokes a bowl with Sage, Sky, and his other surfer buddies in Malibu after a long day in the water, he isn’t lamenting his company’s downfall. Rather, he’s envisioning how big how many levels his yacht should have. And he for damn sure doesn’t care about his customers nor think of them in terms of anything other than money. I know I would do the same thing if I were in his position. And if you still think cancelling your subscription will be an ample form of protest, then Hastings would suggest you don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.