Maybe Optimus will Eat the Cole Slaw: People and Things Not Invited to My July 4 BBQ

                                         Nothing says freedom quite like this athlete perfecting his craft

Given the festive nature of this weekend, I decided I’m going to throw my first July 4^th BBQ. Being the generous person I am, the guest list extensive. However, like all parties, there need to be limits to who exactly is invited. So, in case you were planning on coming to the party, here is a list of people and things not invited to my holiday bash.

The Maybe

Osama bin Laden

Osama is actually a “maybe” to the party. Before you boycott in protest, he’s only invited based on the premise that the winner of the Gandalf look-alike contest I held last year received an automatic invite to the party.

 He RSVPed months ago but I haven’t been able to get a hold of him for a couple months. But when he declared he was coming he said that he is a very busy man and that I would need to keep a left eye out for him. He also expressed great interest in going for a lengthy swim in my pool but also specifically requested no seals to be at the party. A bit eccentric, I’d say.

(too soon?)

The Hell No

Diablo Cody

Because I don’t have enough chlorine for the pool. A commenter on my last post suggested I just don’t understand her “free spirit” (then proceeded to say my humor was somewhere between Terri Schiavo and Andrew Dice Clay; I’m not even sure who they were trying to insult). When I first read the comment I thought, “wow, a strip club that gives away free spirits! What a happy hour!”

The No’s

Tracy Morgan

Because if my son was an unfunny comedian who perpetuates black stereotypes while by and large appearing in TV shows that appeal to white America, I might stab him to death.

Pledge of Allegiance Enthusiasts

Really…who cares? If you want to see a great example of the pledge’s waning power, go to any classroom around the country. Does it look like any of those kids care? The only ones that do care are the elementary school kids, but they’re excited to do it because they’re excited they remember it. In high school, when time for the pledge, everyone groans because they have to stand up and half-halfheartedly recite words that have been so ingratiated in us since we were 5 that any true meaning the pledge may have had has given way to redundancy. And just because someone is less than excited about the pledge doesn’t make them unpatriotic; contrarily, it could mean they are more patriotic because they realize their appreciation for America doesn’t lie in the banal words of a grammar school poem.

As for the “God” thing…who cares? If some people want to say it, then great. If some people don’t, whatever. It’s not like one of those “Oh well America was founded on Christianity” arguments because “God” wasn’t implemented until 1954, 62 years after the pledge was first adopted. If you identify America through God then good for you, but that is your right just as much as it is for an atheist person to separate God and America entirely. 

Cole Slaw

Whoever decided this should be associated with BBQ needs to be arrested for treason.

Optimus Prime

What am I supposed to feed it (him?)? It’s annoying enough having people request vegetarian options (at my house they get Pop-Tarts) but then there’s an 18-wheeler alien that I presume feasts on gasoline and oil. And, according to Eyewitness News, that is really expensive now. Plus, say he does come and accidentally knocks a barrel of oil into the pool…now I have a BP-type catastrophe on my hands. I just re-plastered and re-tiled the pool you idiot. I’m truly sorry your only friends are an illiterate Camaro and Michael Bay, I really am. But unless I need help destroying some Egyptian pyramids or the Eiffel Tower, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.

Fake Freedom

July 4 is commonly known as Independence Day. This is, of course, the day Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum liberated America from British rule. The grand misconception is that on July 4, 1776, a bunch of our forefathers stood around a sweaty room and signed their name on the Declaration of Independence (John Hancock later stole the document and christened it the mission statement of his upstart insurance company), thereby making the American Colonies free. This belief is as heartwarming as it is silly. Being one for technicalities, America technically wasn’t free until the British surrendered to General Fresh Prince at the Battle of Yorktown in 1781. Making a political statement is fine and all, but had the British gone back and bitch-slapped the colonies after the Declaration of Independence was signed, that document would be about as meaningful as Frank McCourt’s bank statement (my inner Rick Reilly wrote that joke, not me). You really think King George III would have been like “crap, that territory is rightfully Britain’s, but those pesky colonists had to find the paper and pens and write their names. Well, I guess we can’t tax them now. Hey George 4, write down this new law I made: ‘no more complementary pencil boxes for colonists.’ Got it? Good. At least there is going to be a giant shipment of tea from Boston coming in today. Wait….”

I’m not going to complain too much about this. After all, we all get a day off every year due to this colonial pissing contest. So American Freedom, you are invited to my party, you’re just going to have to arrive 5 years younger.

LeBron James

Look, if I wanted someone to stand in the corner and not get involved in the action of the party, I would have invited Mike Huckabee.

Fireworks

I know, I know. Fireworks are one of THE staples of July 4. But I’m going to begin a new tradition of trying to exterminate them. Yeah, fireworks are cool, but then we invented this think called the television. All of a sudden, shooting rockets into the sky and blowing them up seems kind of boring.

Sure, fireworks are fun when you’re 10, but once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen ‘em all. There’s a reason the Chinese are running economic circles around us: nothing invented 1500 years ago is still impressing them (well, maybe snuffing out free speech; they can’t get enough of that).

Chiropractors especially love fireworks because millions of dads hold their children on their shoulders during firework shows, thus giving them neck and shoulder pain (tangent to the anonymous dads that hold kids on their shoulders during fireworks shows: trust me, we all know your kid is the greatest thing on earth and is destined to become the first U.S President that is also a star center fielder for the Yankees that does cancer research in their spare time, but please, there are other people trying to watch the show and your ice cream stained child is blocking the view. Plus, it’s not like they’re going to appreciate it. They’re about 25 minutes away from being cranky (after the ice cream sugar crash) and pissed off at you for not buying them that overpriced Buzz Lightyear doll; the nagging will in turn lead you get in a fight with your wife because you’re mad she didn’t have the car keys whipped out in 2 in seconds notice, meaning you have to hold your spoiled brat kid for an 5 extra seconds, then you complain about the traffic exiting the parking lot and how it was your wife’s fault because she suggested parking on the damn Goofy level when you knew Minnie would be better, but you decided you didn’t want to start anything that early in the morning because there was a long day ahead and you were just hoping your kid would make it through fireworks without sounding like a grizzly bear was gnawing their foot off. So the moral of the story: families shouldn’t go to Disneyland).

I really don’t have a rational argument against fireworks; they just bore me. I’m not a huge fan of choreographed shows. If the point of the day is to express American dominance (it is; that’s why the day is filled with gluttonous activities like watching baseball, drinking Budweiser, eating Hot Dogs, and lighting crap on fire, personal or property safety be damned…America! F*** Yeah!), then why not just light the whole box of fireworks at one time? The reason the British lost the Revolutionary War was because they didn’t have an answer for colonist guerrilla tactics. Our firework shows should have the same scatterbrained mentality. As General Fresh Prince’s brother in arms once said (may he RIP), it’s “time to kick the tires and light the fires!”

But until that day, I’m going to have to pass on fireworks.

Absolutely Invited

Column Gimmicks

This post speaks for itself.

Happy “Independence” Day everyone. Kick back, relax, and watch out for Decepticons. They’ll steal your money, laugh at you, and come back in 2 years to steal more of your money.