Me Making Fun of Movies You Probably Like (With Pictures!)

Being that we’re in the midst of Superhero Summer at the movies, I thought it might be fun to take a look back at some popular movies, movies that you probably like, and make fun of them (without the aid of talking robots). One caveat is that the movies have to have a reputation for being good or are make so much flippin’ money they are impossible to ignore. Pretty simple.

And for anyone that follows my blog, you will notice I entered 2011 and introduced pictures to the post. So I want to thank Google Images for the assistance, a site that has helped me countless times; for example, I’m no longer curious to see Love and Other Drugs.

If you have any suggestions for popular movies that deserve attention in this blog or think I’m way off base, please input your opinion in the comment section. I plan on making this a fairly regular post (meaning “damn I’m running out of ideas already”). 

1. Juno

My first entry is Juno, a movie that so obviously wanted to be indie that it seemed cheesy. The biggest issue I had with the movie was the overhyped dialogue. Nobody, much less a 16 year-old girl that is dumb enough to get knocked up by Michael Cera (who I’m pretty sure is asexual), talks like Juno. The screenwriter, in case you are not aware, is a former stripper named Diablo Cody. No, seriously. She somehow won an Oscar for this movie, most likely because the Academy is mandated to dole out awards to “feel good” entries so often (unless there’s a Holocaust movie that year…those are first in the mandatory Oscar pecking order). Essentially the only thing I liked about that movie was Juno’s hamburger phone, but even that has lost some of its appeal because it is now available at Urban Outfitters.

(Tangent Alert: Hey Urban Outfitters, if you’re charging $75 for a shirt, how about at least not skimping on the interior design; no, the smell of lumber has never given anyone a fever to buy clothes and marked up copies of A Clockwork Orange).

                        "Hello? Hey, it’s Ellen – Trust me, I have no idea who Kimya Dawson is either"

Yet, this movie received rave reviews, from critics and the public alike. So the question is, am I wrong? The answer at the time was probably yes, but now that Cody has a track record of mediocrity, it’s looking like I was right all along. In 2009 Cody’s second feature was released, a true winner entitled Jennifer’s Body starring the immensely untalented Megan Fox. From what I gathered from the commercials, Fox is some sort of lesbian vampire that eats guys that want to sleep with her. Needless to say, the film was a critical and commercial flop. Cody should have learned her lesson from Juno, that Juno’s popularity was predicated on her being surrounded with talented people, such as director Jason Reitman and actress Ellen Page, who superbly sold the sham of a script. But you aren’t fooling me Cinnamon, er, Diablo. But hey, I guess making bad movies is better than giving the clap to business men at Spearmint Rhino on Wednesday afternoons. So kudos, you are the 21^st century version of the American Dream.

2. Transformers, Revenge of Some Bad Robots that are Trying to Steal Some Oversized Lego so Sam has to Put Something in Optimus Prime’s Chest to Save the World, and, Oh Yeah, he Has to Yell “Bummmmmmmbbbbbbbllllleeeeeeeebeeeeeeeeeeeee” a Lot…Like, a Lot

Hmmmmm, too easy. Let’s try something slightly (emphasis on “slightly”) more challenging…

3. Untitled Shia LaBeouf Project

Which of these names does not belong: Harrison Ford, Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, Shia LaBeouf.

These are names of some prominent actors in Steven Spielberg-involved projects. Hanks is arguably the best actor of his generation. Cruise, though a lunatic, is the definition of a movie star (especially in the 80s). He just has the look. After starring as iconic characters such as Han Solo and Indiana Jones, Ford has cemented himself as one of the best action stars in film history.

Then there’s Shia. He is none of what I just described, yet he is in seemingly every cash cow movie project there is. While Spielberg hasn’t directed Shia as often as the other actors (though he did in Indy 4: Attack of the Aztec Aliens), Shia has been in a number of projects executive produced by Spielberg (Eagle Eye, Transformers, and Disturbia, which I think is based on a Rihanna song).

If there’s a common thread in the above listed Shia-involved movies, it’s that there is nothing original about them. Indiana Jones and Transformers are well established tent pole franchises with no signs of stopping (the latter of which has dialogue that is so bad Diablo Cody would blush (that is, if she wasn’t already blushing while giving some guy – uh – never mind)). Disturbia was literally taken to court because it was believed to be a rip off of Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window. And Eagle Eye…well I’m too lazy to care about Eagle Eye. I’m sure the plot was “original” while still being formulaic enough to take a sucker’s money.

“But Andrew, Indiana Jones is also a franchise yet you don’t blame Harrison Ford,” said the hypothetical reader of this blog. “And Shia helped establish Transformers! Let me guess…you just hate Shia because he is young, rich, and attractive, similar to your Bruno Mars disdain. You’re such a biased tool.”

Fair points. First, Shia LaBeouf is weird looking. Second, Harrison Ford helped establish Indiana Jones with his ability to combine tough guy swagger with unending wit. For as much as Indy may have ridden the coattails of George Lucas’ favorite action films as a kid, that franchise is indebted to Ford (one alternative to Ford was Tom Selleck; yeah I just don’t see that working). As for Transformers, if anything, that movie was carried by Michael Bay and Megan Fox being sexy. You think if the movie was carried by Shia’s acting prowess, it would have given birth to 2 sequels in 4 years?

With Shia LaBeouf, really, take your pick. All of his movies are garbage and that trend doesn’t look to be slowing down (not that he cares; I mean, playing BioShock with Spielberg is pretty legit). When it comes to other prominent Spielberg pets, LaBeouf is clearly not even stevens. 

               You would have won money 10 years ago if you bet this guy would turn out to be an A-List action star

4. Titanic

Rose: “I’ll never let go Jack.”

Jack: “Brrrrrrrrrrrr”

Rose: “Whoops, there ya go. Sweet, now I get the whole door to myself without that plebian weighing me down.”

It’s basically Romeo and Juliet on a boat. However, this movie does deserve credit in two aspects. First, it helped launch the careers of two current Hollywood A-Listers: Billy Zane and Victor Garber. Second, 9 year-old me most likely appreciated the PG-13 nudity. It’s no coincidence I got really into drawing in 4^th grade.

5. Godfather II

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my entry into the Most Overrated Movie of All Time Competition. Before you tear your shirts in anger, hear me out for a minute. On its own, it is a great film, better than 99% of anything coming out today. I have immense respect for Francis Ford Coppola; I think Godfather 1 and Apocalypse Now are two of the ten greatest movies ever made, and I wrote a paper about The Conversation during my last quarter in college (I got an A in case you were wondering; see, I do know what I’m doing sometimes). But GF2 is, speaking in terms relative to its predecessor, just ok. First of all, it’s not entirely a sequel. A solid third of it is a prequel, and an unnecessary one at that. Why should I still care about Vito Corleone, especially after he died in the tomato garden in the first one? I see that as lazy storytelling.

     You would have won money in the 70s if you bet this guy would be in a “Rocky & Bullwinkle” movie in 20 years

Second, I can’t believe a mafia movie set in Lake Tahoe. I just can’t. Where’s the conflict? “Oh, Michael’s Sea-Doo broke so now he’s going to whack someone; in fact, he saw Fredo screwing with the throttle so he’s going to send him on a fishing trip to hell.” Lake Tahoe is hardly gritty enough for crime. Trust me, I’ve been there several times. The closest thing to crime I’ve seen is a bear stealing trash outside my hotel window. Stick to New York, mafia movies.

Lastly, and this is more of a hindsight reason, GF2 was the origin of Scent of a Women and Heat Pacino, which is the Pacino that just mails in the performance, a-la LeBron James (probably a bad comparison because Pacino is still actually visible on screen), collects his money, and starts screaming for no apparent reason. Most Pacino movies I’ve seen after GF2 are like that. Sometimes it works (Dog Day Afternoon) and other times not so much (Two for the Money).

However, I must admit that I’m probably a moron on this entry. After all, I’m the guy that didn’t like GF1 or Pulp Fiction the first time but now I love them. So when I rewatch GF2 and love it, I will dutifully confess my sins.

***

A couple days ago I wasn’t planning on doing a special section like this.

But that was until I heard one of stars of Jackass', Ryan Dunn, died in a car accident.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to get weepy on you. This isn’t a tribute, per se. I wasn’t sad when hearing about Dunn’s death. I have no emotional attachment to him. I’ve merely seen his often hilarious antics from the Jackass archives.

Dunn wasn’t even one of the top 5 most famous cast members (trailing Knoxville, Pontius, Steve-O, Wee Man, Bam, and probably Bam’s parents), but his best known bit is among the most well-known Jackass stunts.

For anyone that cares about the future of movies (as I do), you are concerned with the endless remakes and sequels and general lack of ingenuity in Hollywood. It’s a pleasant surprise when something is original AND good. But it shouldn’t be. The fives movies I wrote about in this post made this list probably because I have issues with their versions of originality.

Say what you will about Jackass and Dunn, but taking a Hot Wheels car, putting it in a condom, then shoving said condom up one’s ass all for the sake of comedy is, if nothing else, pretty freaking original. Whether you want to read that stunt as a satire of media overexposure or read it as a disgusting, irresponsible act, it’s impossible to forget. And for anyone that cares about movies, that’s all we ask. We want to see something we’ve never seen on screen before, and we don’t want to forget it.

Jackass, with Dunn helping, accomplished that on a fairly regular basis. It’s been years since Jackass’ run on TV met its end, but those that grew up with it can still name off lists and lists of their favorite stunts. Stunts that were dangerous and pushed the boundaries of what TV and film can do.

Plus, Dunn’s stunt is something I would happily perform in lieu of watching a Shia LaBeouf movie.