Space Jam: Redux

This November marks the 15^th anniversary of Space Jam, one of my favorite movies as a kid. I’m convinced this movie helped develop my current love for basketball, which as my girlfriend and brother will tell you borders on sociopathic (do NOT talk to me in the minutes following a Lakers playoff loss). Additionally, the soundtrack was the first CD I owned as a kid; and so what if I didn't know what a Coolio was.

To commemorate this monumental occasion, and since the NBA All Star Game just took place, I thought it would be fun to see how a Space Jam remake would play out using current NBA stars and popular cartoons from the past 20 years. Emphasis on the popular; this means my movie is sans Looney Tunes, since they are only relevant if you currently work at Six Flags.

Setting the Rosters:

Want to know why the Monstars lost? Because their starting lineup featured Muggsy Bogues, Shawn “Poster Child” Bradley, an over-the-hill Patrick Ewing, an over-the-hill Charles Barkley, and Larry Johnson, who was still 3 years away from the phantom 4-point-play that immortalized him in the NBA Films library.

Even with that roster that couldn’t beat an average Duke team, the Monstars were a Michael Jordan dunk at the buzzer from holding MJ to lifetime slavery without an opt-out clause (he got hacked, but there’s no way Marvin the Martian would have had the balls to call that foul; or maybe Marvin was that movie’s version of Tim Donaghy). So, let’s assume in the remake the Monstars have long since fired Isiah Thomas as their GM and hired someone like Mitch Kupchak or Danny Ainge. Their 5 man roster would probably look something like the following:

Point Guard: Toughest call on the board, but probably Derrick Rose. His combination of speed and strength would make him virtually unstoppable for any average cartoon to stop.

Shooting Guard: Dwyane Wade. Is the affection of referees everywhere, so he could singlehandedly turn the game into a free throw contest. Dallas fans catch my drift.

Small Forward: LeBron James. Best player on any planet, and he is already unlikeable and evil so the Monstars could go ahead and skip that transformative step. Also, perfect fit for this team as he is willing to give up a good look for a better look at all times. Obvious concern would be that if Earth is destroyed in this apocalyptic game, would he leave his talents in South Beach?

Power Forward: Kevin Garnett. Like LeBron, already unlikeable and evil. Wired to eviscerate any opponent. Let’s say, for example, Russell from Up was guarding him. KG would dunk on him, make fun of him for not having a dad, punch him in the crotch, then kill Dug (oops, getting my athletes mixed up; Michael Vick would kill Dug, but KG would still do the other stuff).

Center: Andrew Bynum. Just kidding (Lakers fans are missing the joke). But seriously, it’s Dwight Howard.

For the Cartoon team (hereto after referred to as Toons), the choices are obviously endless. Here is the team I give them that could propel them to victory:

Shooting Guard: Kobe Bryant. Duh. Obvious replacement for Jordan, given they are similar players and Kobe is in the twilight of his career like Jordan was when Space Jam came out. Kobe is no longer the best player, but still the toughest and the least likely to back down from this daunting challenge.

Point Guard: Wall-E. Very unselfish. Always willing to pass the plant, er, ball to an open teammate. Does all the little things to win. My concerns would be on defense, where he is obviously lacking lateral quickness and the ability to call out screens.

Small Forward: Ned Flanders. A guy who is willing to keep the peace when Kobe gets frustrated with the team. Plus, judging by how this team compares with the Monstars, the Toons could use a little religion. Drawback for Flanders would be if Homer stole his basketball shoes prior to the game.

Power Forward: Eric Cartman. Similar build to Charles Barkley, and would bring some much-needed edge to this team. If things start to look dismal for the Toons, Cartman could always threaten to cook LeBron’s mom in chili. Or arrange for her to meet Delonte West. Either way I suppose.

Center: Jafar. Tall and lanky enough to grab loose balls. A wily veteran defender that could pull the chair out from under Howard on the block.  An awesome scepter that could hypnotize a Monstar or two. However, I worry he isn’t totally focused on the task at hand since his true goal is to find the magic lamp.

Now that the rosters are set, let’s see how this epic duel plays out.

Pregame

I’m skipping a bunch of stuff because this part always bored me as a kid. Just know that Kobe enters Toon Land after he is seduced by Jessica Rabbit at a Colorado hotel, and upon leading her into his hotel room, he falls into one of those black hole things made by ACME. All the while, the Quad City DJ’s are playing in the background.

Just before the big game, Kobe demands to be traded, citing that Jafar isn’t living up to potential. He goes so far as to talk smack about Jafar to Spongebob, who captures the profanity-laced tirade on his pineapple phone. This motivates Jafar to step up his game. In the final practices before the showdown, Jafar shows dramatic improvement.

First Quarter

The Monstars look unstoppable. Tenacious defense leads to easy transition buckets for Wade and LeBron. The game, televised by ESPN, the universal wide leader in sports, captures KG shouting obscenities in slow motion, with spit cascading in all directions. Kobe, naturally upset by his teammates poor performances, starts ignoring his teammates and jacking up forced shots while double-teamed. This leads to a 2/10 shooting quarter. The lone bright spot on the Toons proves to be Jafar. On offense he grabs rebounds and stuffs them home. On defense he alters Rose’s shots. Jafar’s play keeps the Toons in striking distance, 33-20 after the first quarter.

Second Quarter

It happens. Jafar blows out his knee. He was always known to be snake bitten (get it! He turned into a snake in Aladdin!) when it came to injuries but the Toons foolishly hoped he would make it through this one game. With the Toons now desperate, they turn to Belle from Beauty & the Beast. Everyone knew Belle had game, but what worried the Toons is that her game was all finesse. After all, she’s a scholarly European; what makes you think she would be tough? However, with Cartman busy playing PSP, Wall-E in desperate need of a solar charge, and Flanders gone to Reverend Lovejoy’s Toy Train Exhibit, Belle brings life to the Toons. Granted, she’s not the toughest player, but her skill set on the block is unmatched. Kobe, elated to have a competent teammate, starts giving her the ball and setting her up for Pick and Pops.

Meanwhile, many Monstars are distracted from the current task. LeBron is filming a commercial, asking the anonymous audience that if he didn’t join forces with the evil aliens (undeniably the easier route), what else should he have done? Wade is too busy calling his T-Mobile 5, Rose is trying to help John Calipari replace Memphis’ recently vacated wins, and Howard is sewing a new Superman cape. The only player that seems to care is KG, but at his age he can no longer carry a team on his own. The Monstars are letting a very winnable game slip away, and their lead at half is only 54-47.

Third Quarter

Here comes Kobe. Inspired by a halftime speech from Coach Mufasa, Kobe starts draining ridiculous (i.e. ill-advised) shots from all over the court. Wade is smothering Kobe, but it doesn’t matter. Fall away baseline jumper? Splash! 26-foot 3? Bang! Running floater in the lane? Some other onomatopoeia! The rest of the Toons, sensing the urgency, begin to pick up their games on D. They are able to deny LeBron and Rose post entry passes and force them to shoot long jumpers, the Monstars’ one weakness. On the other end, Kobe can’t be stopped, and on the rare occasion he misses, Cartman (rejuvenated after drinking Ginger blood) grabs offensive boards and puts them home, a la Dennis Rodman. At the end of 3, the score is tied at 73.

Fourth Quarter

Neither team gives an inch. The intensity raises and the game becomes all out war, but Marty from Madagascar, the game’s referee, isn’t calling anything. He is letting both teams duke it out. Fast forward to 30 seconds remaining. Monstars down 1, LeBron beats the newly returned Flanders off the dribble, drives to the bucket, forces the defense to collapse, then kicks it out to a wide open Wade for 3…who hits it! Monstars up 2! Next possession, Kobe brings the ball up court. Clock is ticking. Garnett and Wade try to trap Kobe at half court. Still ticking. Kobe escapes. 8 seconds. Kobe shockingly passes to Belle. 6 seconds. Belle bricks the layup. 4 seconds. Howard elects to slap the ball to the top of the 3 point line (catch the ball you moron) right where Kobe is standing. 2 seconds. Kobe calmly catches, sets, and releases. Buzzer sounds. The ball seemingly flutters to the basket (and everything is in slow-motion; obviously). KG is shown screaming “NOOOOO” in slo-mo. Shot of Kobe with perfect follow through. Then shot of rim, with ball slowly entering frame, which then finally falls into the basket. Nothing but net. Toons win. The little green aliens from Toy Story storm the court in jubilation. Kobe does that weird underbite thing while doing a Tiger Woods fist pump. Credits roll and we all believe we can fly.