Method to the Madness

I like to think I’m pretty knowledgeable about sports. It’s really the only thing going for me that I can claim “expert” status. No, it’s not calculus or Asian literature, but it is something. I usually always know more about sports than whoever I’m talking to.

Which is why, every March, I feel betrayed by my own knowledge. The NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament, aka the greatest sporting event on the planet, is held every March. Part of the event’s charm is its utter unpredictability. However, the unpredictability is also quite maddening.

As is custom, millions of Americans fill out brackets predicting how the tournament will play it. Everyone, and I mean everyone, plays, even my girlfriend, who beat me last year because she picked Duke (the eventual winner) to win the national championship and I picked Kansas, the best team in the field. Know why she picked Duke? Because she likes the noise their crowd makes when one of their players makes a free throw. That’s it.

But in March, knowledge is a hindrance that leads to over-thinking and eventually looking stupid for making Stab In The Dark picks. So I decided to fill out my bracket with the remaining teams a little differently to see how I do. I’m going to pick the remaining games based on if each school’s mascot got in a fight, who would win?

I should also mention that I’m stealing this idea from my friend Reggie, who began this venture but said he had to stop because it hurt his brain. After all, how does one pick between the Syracuse Orange (a color) and the Indiana State Sycamores (a tree). He elected to try a different route . Let’s see if I can pick up where he left off.

Anyway, here are my picks for the remainder of the NCAA tournament. Winners are in bold.

East Region

Ohio State Buckeyes vs Kentucky Wildcats

Ohio St has a truly distinctive mascot, given that a buckeye is the state tree of Ohio. Meanwhile, Kentucky also has a unique name since I don’t think any other major school’s mascot is the Wildcats. I can see why Reggie’s brain was sore. I’m one game in, and I need to decide between a tree and a wildcat (by the way, a wildcat basically looks like a domesticated house cat; the more you know). I elected to advance the buckeye though because cats get stuck in trees. And also because I hate cats.

Marquette Golden Eagles vs North Carolina Tar Heels

Marquette gets the nod primarily because Tar Heel is a stupid mascot. The exact origin of the mascot is unknown, but one explanation I found came from the Civil War. According to reliable and college student favorite Wikipedia, North Carolina was an important Confederate state and troops “stuck to their ranks like they had tar on their heels.” I’m still not sure that makes sense. But what else do you expect from a state that loves NASCAR.

Ohio St. vs Marquette

The way I see it, an eagle is master of the tree. Yeah, the tree is bigger, but it can’t really do much except sit there. An eagle, on the other hand, has the ability to soar above the trees. Plus, choosing the tree would be like if you chose your house to beat you. Your house may be bigger, but you are master of your domain, to paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld. Unless you live in The Amityville Horror or that one house that decapitates Owen Wilson. Either way, Marquette advances to the Final Four.

West Region

Duke Blue Devils vs Arizona Wildcats

A bit of an upset here. I presume that a blue devil is slightly less menacing than a red one (I don’t care that the blue part of the flame is hotter than the orange part; a blue devil is a softer color and thereby less likely to possess you). Meanwhile, Arizona has a unique name since I don’t think any other major school’s mascot is the Wildcats. And if a cat and a blue devil are battling, I think I give the advantage to the cat because, who are we kidding, cats are the spawns of Satan anyway.

Connecticut Huskies vs San Diego State Aztecs

On a quick side note, how did UCONN ever become good at basketball? For that matter, how did places like Kentucky and Kansas and Tucson develop powerhouse programs years ago? If I was an uber-athletic kid, the last place that sounds like a fun college experience is Lawrence, Kansas. I blame it on Kansas’ séance-like Rock Chalk Jayhawk chant. I guess if I lived in Kansas I too would join a cult committed to recruiting basketball players, if for nothing else than to fight the boredom of tornado offseason.

Back to the picks. I would like to pick a draw because I imagine the Aztecs thought they were kindred spirits with dogs. Or something (like I said, I only claim expert status in sports; Mesoamerican culture definitely doesn’t fall in that category). But since I have to pick, I take the Aztecs because they built some cool pyramids and inspired a ride at Knott’s Berry Farm while huskies are wimps that attack children. Now, if UCONN’s mascot was the Connecticut Cortes’ or the Connecticut Conquistadors, then we would have a different story.

Arizona vs San Diego St.

The Aztecs were innately destined to fall. Why not to the Devil Cats? Arizona moves on to the Final Four.

Southwest Region

Kansas Jayhawks vs Richmond Spiders

Going into this pick, I was set on picking Kansas. My logic was simple: a jayhawk, a bird, eats spiders. However, after looking up “jayhawk,” I discovered on Kansas University’s website that a jayhawk doesn’t exist. In fact, it’s a combination between a blue jay and a sparrow hawk, the sentiment being that blue jays are annoying and steal from other nests and sparrow hawks are stealthy, so a jayhawk is the best of both worlds. Too bad for KU students, the jayhawk isn’t able to switch nests to a desirable location like Los Angeles or Austin. Anyway, since it appears Dr. Moreau founded Kansas and their mascot, they are disqualified from the competition. No fairy tale characters are advancing in my bracket (though I must commend the state of Kansas for originality; Kansas State University’s mascot is the Wildcats, which is unique because I don’t think any other major school’s mascot is the Wildcats).

Virginia Commonwealth Rams vs Florida State Seminoles

Not that a ram isn’t intimidating in its own right. Have you seen those things on Animal Planet? They run into each other and shake it off like they got out of bed too fast. But the Seminoles get the nod here because their mascot rides a horse, donned in war paint, and throws a flaming spear. To him, a ram is nothing more than dinner.

VCU tangent time. If you are unaware, VCU was controversially selected to the tournament in lieu of more deserving schools, such as Virginia Tech and Colorado. There was really no reason for the selection committee to choose VCU over those other two schools, let alone a bunch of other schools (like Harvard) that it leapfrogged. All assumed criteria for choosing teams (such as wins vs top 50 teams, RPI, strength of schedule) were thrown out the window when VCU was selected.

Now that VCU has crushed every opponent they have thus far played in the tournament, there is this growing outlook that they somehow proved they belong or that the selection committee got it right after all. This is wildly stupid and misses the initial point, that being VCU didn’t deserve to be in the tournament in the first place. Sure, they could beat anyone, but that doesn’t mean that should have a chance to beat anyone.

Let’s think about this in baseball terms. Hypothetically, this season MLB decides they want to choose playoff teams with a selection committee. So the four best teams, in order, in the American League are Boston, Minnesota, LA Angels (I can dream), and the Yankees. But let’s say the committee inexplicably chooses Kansas City for the last playoff slot over the Yankees, even though the Yankees were statistically better in every facet the committee may examine, such as overall record, road record, total runs scored, etc. That means the committee’s lone reason for choosing the Royals was with the enigmatic “eye test,” meaning it looks like Kansas City deserved to be in ahead of the Yankees on the premise they could beat anybody. And could Kansas City beat Boston in a best-of-5 series? Absolutely. The reason sports, particularly baseball, are great is because any team can win on any given day. That’s fine, but Kansas City proved nothing over the course of the season to suggest they were a better team than the Yankees.

Though VCU has proven to be a worthy opponent, they didn’t prove themselves worthy in the regular season of making the tournament ahead of Virginia Tech. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel bad at all for VA Tech or Colorado; they put themselves in their position because they lost too many games. That’s their bad. But VCU also lost games, and put themselves in more of a bind than the other two teams. Luckily for them, they appeared more alluring to the selection committee.

Richmond vs Florida St

Seminoles squish the spiders and advance to Houston.

Southeast Region

Butler Bulldogs vs Wisconsin Badgers

Being a city boy, I admittedly have never seen a badger nor am really sure what they are (I do know they like to dance and have an infatuation with mushrooms though (nobody got that reference)). But by all accounts they are gnarly little creatures. Conversely, bulldogs are lazy and really only useful if you want to show your buddies that your dog can skateboard. Rob Dyrdek might disagree with me, but the Badgers advance.

BYU Cougars vs Florida Gators

This matchup depends entirely on who has home field advantage. In the water, an alligator is lethal. In a mountainous setting, I don’t see how a gator maneuvers well enough without falling to its doom. Also, these cougars have the advantage of never being intoxicated (ask Brandon Davies for a refresher course on the Cougar Honor Code). Plus, since Florida has knocked out my beloved UCLA Bruins (bruin=fictional bear) 3 times in 6 years, I’m advancing BYU out of spite.

BYU vs Wisconsin

Unless the badger employed a poisonous SNAAAAKKEEEEE (still, nobody got that reference, so I’ll help you out) to assist in taking out the cougar, the cougar would eat the badger, wouldn’t it? BYU moves on.

Final Four

Arizona vs Marquette

In the classic Bird vs Cat battle, Marquette wins for being an eagle that could pick up a cat and a) drop it, or b) feed it to its young. I mean, if Tweety Bird was able to outsmart Sylvester, I’m confident in not just an eagle, but a GOLDEN eagle, which I presume means it won something. Furthermore, I’m not having a Devil Cat win my bracket. That’s bad joojoo.

Florida St vs BYU

BYU’s only chance is if the Seminoles aren’t able to obtain the proper hunting license. Seminoles are humans after all. Being a personal member of the human race, I know our kind is quite adept at wiping out creatures. Goodbye cougars. Say hi to the dodo bird for me. You’re next American bison.

National Title

Marquette vs Florida St

Arrow or spear, it doesn’t matter. That bird is getting shot down. With that, Florida State University scores a remarkable national championship in basketball, something unheard of just a few shorts weeks ago. Tis the power of man over other creatures I suppose. When we want something, we take it.

Well, we’ve been able to master everything except for the NCAA tournament bracket. If my predictions don’t work, I’m going to have to figure out a new system for next year.

Can anyone recommend a good, sturdy dart board?