I Wonder How Many People Will Delete Me Now

Chances are that if you’re reading this, you were somehow referred through Facebook. Whether it was from me incessantly begging you to read and you saying “what the hell I have nothing better to do” or somebody who liked my writing recommended it to you (unlikely at best), you are here because of the most powerful social networking tool.

I’m not here to give you a history of Facebook because that’s what Aaron Sorkin and Jesse Eisenberg are for. Nor am I here to tell you about all of Facebook’s features; it’s assumed you know them. So if you don’t know anything about Facebook, this post probably isn’t for you; I’m sure there’s something good on TV Land though.

Now, I’m not the most prolific Facebook-ite. Contrarily, I only possess a meager 200 or so friends, which is dwarfed by anyone not named Kip Drordy. The main reason for that is because I don’t friend request every name I recognize or any name that is trochaicly appealing. As it is, I probably only regularly communicate with 30 of the 200 people anyway. That’s not good or bad; that’s just the way it is (as Andy Puzder might now say; by the way I bet he hates hamburgers; and if I got you to Google Andy Puzder then Mission Accomplished). Most of that communicative breakdown is due to my agoraphobic tendencies.

With that said, I’m still on Facebook. All the time. Chances are I bother you with my relentless sports posts or posts where I’m obviously trying to be funny or sarcastic just for the sake of trying to be funny or sarcastic. However, I’m not alone in sharing annoying habits. While logged on, I see stuff that bothers me on Facebook, cyber tendencies that the perpetrators don’t even realize they’re doing. That’s where I come in; here to consult those that probably don’t want consulting.

What I’m here for is to provide tips on how we might cohabitate Facebook in a more harmonious manner, i.e. do less annoying crap. So here is a list of some of my Facebook pet peeves and rules I’ve created to make Facebook less MySpace-y (it should be noted I’ve done all these so I’m not on my soapbox…well maybe a little; by the way my girlfriend thinks I sound like an old curmudgeon and should turn on TV Land myself; duly noted)

1)      Don’t post about the weather. Simple enough. Since I live in Southern California and most of my Facebook constituency also lives in So Cal, any time the weather varies from Sunny And 78, the Facebook world blows up. If it’s hot: “Wow it’s so hot today!!!!! What happened!!!!?” If it’s cold and rainy: “I hate the rain :(.” God forbid there’s an earthquake. It’s essentially a race to the computer to see who can ask “did anyone feel the earthquake?” first (yes, yes we felt the earthquake).

Look, I get it. We’re all getting old. The weather is suddenly cool to us. We use it to fill in awkward silent gaps. But let’s keep that to real world speaking. If small talk (which weather talk certainly is) is agreed to be annoying, then why do we engage in it on Facebook? So please, unless there’s a tornado carrying an erupting volcano, let’s try to eliminate the meteorology.

2)      (special rule for females) Cool it with the exclamation points. I know half-off Frappuccinos are, like, the best thing ever. But there’s no need to use punctuation that is basically intended for shouting. Unless you normally shout when announcing you’re going to the beach. My brain will appreciate quieter punctuation. Thanks! (Girlfriend interjection: exclamation points put a cheery spin on any, otherwise monotone, phrase. So shut up you old crank!!)

Whatever.

3)      Maybe this just bothers me because I majored in English, but please try to have some semblance of grammatical structure when posting something. I’m not even talking about capitalizing proper nouns. Just try linking coherent thoughts together with some form of punctuation. Example: if you like the Miami Heat, and you are smack talking people on a thread and you want people to shut up, as well as say “go team,” then don’t say “shut up TEAM LEBRON!!!” or else I will point out that you just told your team to shut up, especially when you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about (and yes this happened). It’s called a period. I’m not really a stickler for punctuation, but there are some cases where it’s necessary….

3a) If you are quoting a song or a passage or whatever, use quotes. You aren’t Oscar Wilde.

3b) For as much as I sound like a snoot, as David Foster Wallace would say, I don’t really care about spelling. So don’t be That Guy who wants to be a moderator at the next Scripps Howard Spelling Bee and corrects everyone’s spelling on a thread (unless it’s funny or they are being a jerk, then it’s acceptable). It’s a typo dude. It happens. Sorry I don’t run each post by President Obama’s speech writer. Plus, given Facebook’s pervasive nature, many people post stuff from their phones. And for anyone that texts a lot, you will know how easy it is to screw up when typing on your phone.

4)      If you are going to pick a fight (and I suggest you don’t, but given that many Facebook users need to posture and act like intellectual college students, it happens) at least know what you’re talking about and use evidence to support your argument, not just visceral beliefs. And no, posting a link to your favorite New York Times article does not count as evidence. It just means you are a pompous jerk for pretending to read the New York Times and know that nobody cares enough to read the article, thereby meaning they are unable to retort (Not that this happened to me and I deleted a “friend” or anything because of this. What??? He was an a-hole).

5)      If I haven’t seen you in real life in 5 years, I probably don’t want to chat with you. I promise, it’s nothing personal. It’s ok to not keep contact with everyone you’ve ever been acquainted with. It will save the awkwardness for us both.

6)      The “like” button should be used as a substitute for “lol” if the post is funny. If the post is serious, it should be used as a replacement for “I agree” or “good point.” You could even use it for “I’m acknowledging that I read your post but can’t really think of anything to say so I will just click this button and be on my merry way.” Unless you want to come off as a jerk, don’t “like” posts such as “my dog got ran over by a car, but Max was the best dog a girl could have” and “my grandma is dying of cancer but she finished her will.” Yeah, it’s great that the girl finds a silver lining in her dog’s tragic death and that the poster can now have granny’s windfall, but the dog died and the grandma has freaking cancer. If you “like” those you are risking potential misunderstandings for what you are actually “liking.” But I guess now I should get to the root of the problem…

7)      Don’t post downer things. Facebook is an escapist activity. Nobody wants to hear about how much your girlfriend has screwed you over or how you can barely pay the bills. I understand that Facebook can work as a support system for you. But to those that don’t really care (depending on how many “friends” you have, potentially hundreds) it just sounds like you are throwing yourself an attention-craving pity party. Trust me, if you post about some weird foot fungus you developed and now your leg may need to be amputated, it’s going to unnerve people and irritate them more than draw sympathy. And I know I’m not alone in this belief.

8)      If you travel, that’s great for you. I would love to travel Europe at some point in my life. But you don’t need to let us know how awesome travelling is compared to being home. This may shock you, but not everybody has the financial means to decide they want to party in Greece for a week.

9)      If you live in a “popular” area (think LA or New York) you don’t need you to remind us in every post you live in LA or New York. We get it. You live in LA or New York. Hate to break it to you but some homeless guy probably just pissed on that 5-star hotel.

10)   Don’t litter my home page with music videos. If I wanted to listen to Sugarland, I would seek them out for myself. The last thing I want is to log on and be greeted by 9 Daughtry music videos.

11)   Please, no trolling. Trolling is usually malicious but the variety typical on Facebook is not malicious at all. If anything, it’s overly friendly. For example, if somebody posts some generic, banal thing like “I just washed my car,” don’t respond on that thread by saying “we should hang out sometime.” This completely kills the initial thread the poster created. Now I will look stupid if I say “I also washed my car today” after a back-and-forth dialogue about the need to physically socialize (obvious hypothetical because my car hasn’t seen water of the non-rain variety since I thought Lindsay Lohan was hot). That’s why Facebook allows you to cut out the middle man and post directly on someone’s wall.

12)  Don’t click on obvious spam links. This tip is real. Don’t do it. If it seems odd, then don’t click it. And why are you so curious as to who’s stalking your profile anyway? This form of spam wouldn’t exist if there wasn’t a market for it, so obviously people are interested. Let me give you a hint: if you’re attractive, probably a lot of people. If you’re not, then less people. Sorry ladies but just because guys have computers now doesn’t mean they are more chivalrous than ever. If you don’t want people looking at your profile, delete it.

13)   No I don’t want to go to the concert you invited me to. I know I know. Hard for me to resist when you so personably invited me and 1300 other friends.

14)   Be as politically ambiguous as possible. Nothing good has ever come of talking politics, especially when slightly buzzed and bored sitting at the computer. You will likely have one less friend the next day. Which brings me to the most important rule of Facebook use…

15)   DO NOT USE FACEBOOK WHILE DRUNK. Same applies to text messaging. You will regret it in the morning. Who knows what heinous things you will say to people with a little liquid courage? You could cause a riff in friendships, post Daughtry, reveal your secret crushes (more for the high school audience I suppose), or kill all your Farmville crops. But worst of all, you could write an 1800 word diatribe on the ways Facebook annoys you. So please, be careful.