"Dancing with the Stars" Season 13 Preview: Where Nancy Grace's Head Explodes

Somehow, tonight is the season premiere of the 13^th season of Dancing with the Stars.

The show consistently dominates ratings and helps prevent ABC from going the way of NBC in terms of network obscurity. But the fact that this show is such a rousing success has always mystified me.

I’ve tried watching it, but find boring. Watching 12 has-beens stumble around in ornate outfits, all hosted by the guy that tried to sell Bruce Villanch and Whoopi Goldberg’s* jokes on Hollywood Squares, doesn’t strike me as an enjoyable hour of TV.

*back when Whoopi was “funny;” now she’s the person that walks off the set of The View when she doesn’t like her guest’s opinions; if you aren’t familiar with The View, you perhaps better know it as Breakfast & Menopause.

Bruce Vilanch, T-Shirt Connoisseur

But if you’re familiar with my blog, my opinion rarely matters. So instead of trying to decipher DWTS’ massive popularity, I’m going to handicap the 12-“star” (this marks the end of ironic quotation marks for this post because, really, it could be unending) field. I’m not going to stop this show from steamrolling primetime competition, so I may as well tag along for the ride.

Fun fact about me: my goal is to move to Las Vegas and become a successful bookie and rise through the gambling underground a la Robert De Niro in Casino. And though I would prefer if my car didn’t blow up upon ignition, it might happen anyway, given that I drive a 1996 Corolla.

On to some odds for the field.* All information gathered on contestants will be gathered from ABC’s official DWTS website.

*it should be noted I’ve watched about 15 minutes total in DWTS’ first 12 seasons

Carson Kressley

For men that might not remember, Kressley helped spearhead your brief venture into metrosexuality with Bravo’s Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (he was the fashion expert and designated leader of the group). And don’t pretend you didn’t watch it, because you did. I thought the show should have been on Discovery Channel; I took notes and everything. Yeah, I might like sports, but that shouldn’t preclude me from using a nice hair conditioner.

Currently, Kressley is hosting Carson-Nation on OWN, a show in which Carson travels to small towns (read “Midwest”) and “transforms lives one person at a time” (read “exploits their slob-ness for a decent hour of mindless filler TV programming”).

Carson’s dance partner is Anna Trebunskaya, a name that makes her sound hot in that Iron Curtain, Romanian gymnast-y sort of way. Judging from a credible user comment on ABC’s website, there has been an outcry that Kressley has to dance with a woman; the commenter is asking why this is so in an outraged sort of way (lots of capital letters, exclamation points, rhetorical questions, etc). Allow me to answer in one sentence: because Disney isn’t effing stupid and they know that Kressley dancing with a dude will wipe out a huge chunk of viewership, especially since this is marketed as wholesome family TV.

Odds of sleeping with dance partner: 10,000,000 to 1

Odds of looking fabulous while dancing: Even

Chaz Bono

“If you just know him as the only child of famed entertainers Sonny and Cher, then you don't know Chaz Bono!”

That quote is taken directly from ABC. I wish the guy who wrote it hated his job, was intent on being fired, and added “He also used to be a She and really wants a penis!” It would have been taken down within minutes, but the screenshot would provide me a desktop wallpaper for a lifetime.

The bio also mentions that Chaz has served as Entertainment Media Director for GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) and currently works as an LGBT advocate in different facets.

Chaz’ partner is Lacey Schwimmer. We should all have a moment of silence for Schwimmer because she is going to brush against Chaz’ neck beard. I’m not even being defamatory; it’s a nasty beard. Chaz needs dude practice. 

Chaz Bono, getting some fresh air outside the trailer park

Odds Lacy Schwimmer got really pissed off, cried for an hour, then had a massive Sunset Blvd bender after hearing she had to dance with Chaz: 1 to 3

Odds Schwimmer will be GLAAD when they are inevitably eliminated: 1 to 100

Chynna Phillips

Uh, sorry, I got nothing. I mean, she was in Caddyshack II. There’s probably a joke somewhere in that.

Odds of victory: 5 to 1, I guess

Odds of me literally just now learning this person existed: (collecting winnings)

David Arquette

Arquette used to be famous for his own work. Scream was a smash hit in the 90s and helped to usher comedy/horror hybrids mainstream (yes horror nerds, I know Raimi and Romero did too). 

But now Arquette is really more famous for marrying Monica from that one show, The One Where it Hasn’t Held up That Well since It Ended. Arquette is even a producer for his wife’s show, Cougar Town, which I thought was cancelled 5 years ago despite only entering its 3^rd season. It must be odd for Arquette to be involved with a show where his wife is messing around with guys that are still actors. You think he gets jealous? I think he gets jealous.

Odds he and Monica get a divorce: 25 to 1 

(9/20/2011) - so it was pointed out to me that the Arquettes have been divorced for like a year. That's what I get for not doing any research (but cut me some slack I'm doing this for free). Also, if you would have dropped $100 on this prop last year, you would have taken home a cool $2500. Sage advice in this post.


Elisabetta Canalis

Model featured on covers for Vogue, GQ, and Cosmopolitan, amongst others. “Guys making fun of Cosmo” is a more than played out but still sometimes reaches hilarious levels of sexism (“97 Ways to be Quiet and Make Dinner”**). But if a guy tells you he isn’t curious as to the contents of that tantalizing cover story, he’s lying. We might brush it aside and trivialize it as Silly Girl Stuff, when in reality we think that inside those perfume soaked pages, the secret to female knowledge will be unlocked.

**By the way I’m engaged now so I may or may not get to say stuff like this. Chris Rock does a funny bit about white people claiming they aren’t racist because they have a black President. This is a similar vein I imagine.

The Airbrushers did their best at least

As for Canalis, her filmography consists of Deuce Bigalow 2 and something called Virgin Territory (before you get excited, it stars Hayden Christensen; save some dignity and log out of Netflix now). But hey, she’s on Leverage! Anyone? You know, TNT, they know drama?

Odds of victory: 50 to 1, severely reduced because Rob Schneider infected her with Lackoftalentitis

Hope Solo

I’m not gonna lie: I was crushing on Hope big time this summer during the United States’ runner-up finish at the World Cup . The problem is I don’t know if she is genuinely attractive, or only appears so because she was surrounded by 20 Amazons on the pitch all summer (Don’t you hate when Americans refer to soccer fields as “the pitch?” Me too, but I love doing it because it makes me feel elitist). Either way, Hope is not ugly, so I will root for her.

From what I’ve heard, athletes tend to do well on this program. It makes sense. Dancing, and the training necessary to succeed at it, is tiring and athletic in nature. Thus, athletes are naturally inclined to perform better than those that may loathe physical exertion (sorry Chaz).

As a result of the athlete influx on the show, ESPN thinks that its largely male audience cares about DWTS results. We don’t. I understand ABC and ESPN are sister networks and that Disney is the king of self-promotion, but breaking down DWTS on Pardon the Interruption isn’t gaining any viewers. If anything, it’s alienating ESPN’s target audience.

Odds of victory with an athletic upper hand: 10 to 1

Odds of losing to a Japanese contestant: 2 to 1

J.R. Martinez

Martinez is an Iraq war veteran who, in 2003 at the age of 19, suffered severe burns on 40% of his body after the Humvee he was driving ran over a landmine.

Since, he has worked as a motivational speaker, helping other burn victims cope with their injuries. He currently stars on soap-opera All My Children.

Odds of me making a joke in this section: unlisted

Kristen Cavallari

Now we move on to someone I wish J.R. Martinez traded places with. Cavallari is best known for her role on MTV’s hit “reality” (ok, this is really the last appearance of ironic quotation marks) show The Hills. In recent news, Chicago Bears QB (and fellow drama queen) Jay Cutler called off his engagement to Cavallari, possibly because she thought a sack was a bag of gadgets and fancy lotions you get for being onstage at the Teen Choice Awards for 45 seconds.

The funniest portion of her ABC bio occurs when her film and TV credits are listed. The last entry states that “most recently, she got some laughs on ABC's The Middle.” The “some” part is awesome. Even the corporate tool writing her bio can’t deceive the audience any further. “Yeah, people may have laughed, but it was more in spite of your presence. By the way, what’s The Middle?”

The bio also notes that Cavallari is into humanitarian work now, or at least her publicist tells her she’s into humanitarian work. In 2010, she travelled to El Salvador to help rebuild schools for underprivileged kids, which is great until you realize that instead of staying here, she probably stayed here. Nothing like using the plight of others as an excuse for a Latin vacation.

Odds of her going away: 0 to 1

Nancy Grace

When Chaz Bono decided he wanted to be a man, Nancy Grace was probably the man he had in mind.

Everyone’s favorite vigilante, Grace is known for confrontational arguments with TV guests and whipping minorities during commercial breaks. Grace rose to fame with her bestselling book Objection!, a title that sounds like something an 8-year-old John Grisham would write. In her leisure time, Grace makes her husband, David Linch, wish he was Keith Griffin***.

*** Too soon?

Odds of dedicating a possible victory to Casey Anthony: Solomon’s riches to 1

Odds of her head exploding Cronenberg-style onstage because she’s still pissed Casey Anthony was found not guilty: 15 to 1

I chose this image from Scanners because the blood makes this guy look like Sideshow Bob

Ricki Lake

What, did Sally Jessy Raphael have a prior engagement?

Odds of Hairspray being mentioned every time she dances: 12 to 1

Odds that the “worldwide fan base” her bio speaks of is exaggerated: 1 to 5

Rob Kardashian

I think that on Keeping up with the Kardashian Jenners, Rob is sort of a sympathetic figure. I mean, would YOU want to live with the Sister Triumvirate of Kourtney, Khloe, and Kim? Well I would because I’m a pervert, but a normal person might get cabin fever, a condition unheard of in a 15 bedroom mansion.

Yeah he was born with the silver-est of spoons, but what if a life of celebrity isn’t something he wanted. Now he doesn’t have a choice; all his siblings are becoming genuine worldwide icons (as opposed to Ricki Lake’s version of worldwide icon). Though he is undoubtedly enjoying his life of riches, he could have had that life without the pressure of carving a creative niche for himself, like his sisters so seamlessly did with their fashion lines**** and innate sex appeal (except Khloe).

**** Speaking of, the Triumvirate has a clothing line at Sears now. Because the Sears in Calabasas, CA has been clamoring for a Kardashian line.

Or maybe Rob is just a douche like the rest of the family. Don’t say I didn’t try to defend him, though.

Odds a Kardashian or Jenner has been inside a Sears: LOL to 1

Ron Artest

In recent weeks, Artest officially changed his name to Metta World Peace, thereby confirming he is insane. Although it is fair to point out that was probably the case when he charged into the stands to beat up a fan in what became known as the Malice at the Palace (for the Palace at Auburn Hills, the arena where the Detroit Pistons play in front of dozens of fans each game). 

Artest attacking a guy doing his best Mr. Bill impression

In the years following the Palace brawl, Artest has rejuvenated his career and become a lovable jester. He took a pay cut to come play for the Lakers, a move to come to a winning franchise as much as it was to become a Hollywood icon. He slid easily into both lifestyles. Though often struggling on the court, he was the best player for either team when it counted most, in Game 7 of the 2010 NBA Finals against the Celtics. Even though he scared the piss out of Lakers fans (I can vouch) whenever he touched the ball, he made the shot that sealed the 2010 championship with an ill-advised three-pointer that went down.

 After winning the title, Artest held a beloved and endearing press conference where he thanked his therapist. He auctioned off his championship ring and gave the proceeds to mental health services.

He’s eccentric, no doubt, but damn is he entertaining. I don’t watch DWTS and won’t this season, but for people that enjoy it, Artest and the others on this list provide exactly what they’re looking for: pure escapist entertainment. And in a way, Artest represents a key motif of the show, that being trying to recapture past glory, glory he lost with the brawl but regained with the Lakers. And if the proceeds go to charity, then let the pseudo-stars have an extra 15 minutes of unearned celebrity.

I just hope nobody throws a cup at Artest.

Odds of Artest punching Tom Bergeron for a good laugh: 8 to 1

Odds of me doing a Season 14 preview: Even

How Katy Perry is Taking Over the World, One Teenage Dream at a Time

About 4 weeks ago*, pop singer Katy Perry’s single “Last Friday Night” hit #1 on the charts; it was the fifth single off her Teenage Dream album to reach #1 (the others: “California Gurls,” “Teenage Dream,” “Firework,” “E.T.”). This is significant because she became the first female and second artist overall (Michael Jackson’s Bad) to accomplish this feat.

*no, this post isn’t going to be an exercise in timeliness

Anyone else craving cotton candy?

If you have a pulse, then you know who Katy Perry is or have at least heard one of the aforementioned Teenage Dream songs. Or if you haven’t heard any of those songs, then your church undoubtedly held an emergency meeting once “I Kissed a Girl” was released in 2008, the song that launched her to instant superstardom (say whatever you want about Perry, but this was a genius selection for a debut single; credit to the producers).

One of the ironies of Perry in general and “I Kissed a Girl” in particular is that this success was after she released a gospel rock album in 2001, the self-titled Katy Hudson (she later changed her name to Katy Perry). Several short years after performing songs like “Faith Won’t Fail,“ she’s declaring that she kissed a girl and, indeed, she liked it.

Whether or not Perry is still a God-fearing person is almost irrelevant in her development as global icon. She saw the allure of fame, and she figured she had a better chance at achieving fame if she ditched her dogmatic ideals. One can almost imagine a young Perry –er – Hudson, flicking on TRL (Carson Daly!) in the late 90s or early 2000s and seeing pop icons like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera making boat loads of cash definitely not singing about God.

And to say nothing against religion, the idea of God isn’t exactly appealing to most teenagers. That is, religious teachings may be important to them, but it likely isn’t consuming much of their thought.

Which is why Perry’s ascendance shouldn’t be a shock. She has skillfully crafted herself as this “party girl” that married admitted sex addict Russell Brand. Meanwhile, her songs have strategically sold various lifestyles to her young, adoring audience. It’s no surprise that much of the content in the five #1 singles off the Teenage Dream album are essentially well formulated fantasies. True, they’re catchy fantasies (“Firework” is stuck in my head as I write this), but lots of artists have been catchy and not achieved the success Perry has on this one album. For a hand selected sample, Bruce Springsteen is one of the most beloved artists of all time, and he has NEVER had a #1 single (though he did write “Blinded by the Light,” a song that reached #1 in 1977 when covered by Manfred Mann’s Earth Band, probably because people kept requesting it to try to decipher if the chorus really did say “wrapped up like a douche”**).

**it doesn’t: “Blinded by the light, / revved up like a deuce, / another runner in the night”

***

The California girl motif isn’t exactly a new one in pop music. The Beach Boys released “California Girls” in 1965 and, like Perry’s misspelled version, the song attained great success, peaking at #3 on the charts. Yet, while the Boys may have been more subtle using sexual imagery, Perry is not. But lyrics like “we’ll melt your popsicle” and “we freak in my jeep,” as well as the cameo appearance by noted feminist Snoop Dogg, aren’t present to degrade women. That’s the lazy argument. Instead, they present a world in which women hold power over men through shear sex appeal. What teenage girl wouldn’t find that desireable? Even the video, a bright colored Candy Land universe, featuring a blue-haired Perry spraying, um, whip cream out of her, um, blouse, grabs your attention and makes you think “well maybe California girls are sexier after all” (whatever that means). If you’re a girl from California, the song reaffirms your dominance and for that you appreciate Perry. If you’re not from California but you want to learn how to feel sexy, then Perry can teach you how.

While “California Gurls” plays up the sexy angle, “Teenage Dream” plays up the plain angle. The song kicks off with the female speaker claiming “You think I’m pretty, without any makeup on / You think I’m funny when I tell the punch line wrong ,” giving hope to any girls that may have felt ugly and that “California Gurls” is only for the beautiful. The song is also of the same mold as the Twilight series, a series that has gained ridiculous popularity amongst young women not for vampire mythology, but because Edward Cullen is dreamy AND he cares about Bella. The notion that he isn’t human suggests that he isn’t attainable; since real men are a-holes, then retreating to the books/movies is the only way to have your dream man.

"I'm like complicated and stuff"

As “Teenage Dream” progresses, we learn that the speaker and Perfect Fictional Man X are off to have sexy time at some motel. A line in the chorus reads “You make me feel like I’m living a teenage dream / The way you turn me on,” a line that would make any father to a teenage daughter cringe. So Perry is establishing sex as important to teenagers. Ok, fine, but the speaker seems equally concerned that “now every February you’ll be my Valentine, Valentine,” an idea so important that Perry wisely and subliminally utters the word twice. So not only is Perfect Fictional Man X amazing in bed (a concept most younger teenage girls cannot even grasp, making the mystery of it only that much more appealing), but he’ll also remember to buy his girlfriend chocolates on Valentine’s Day. And unlike “California Gurls,” Perry doesn’t describe any “desirable” female features or bikinis, making the song more attainable to all teenage girls (“maybe he won’t care how I look!”). No, Perfect Fictional Man X exists for listeners, and to be reminded of him at all times, he costs only $1.29 on iTunes.

It might be fair to imagine one of those teenage girls that admired Katy Perry is Rebecca Black. Similar to Perry being inspired by pop singers of a decade ago, Black (and I’m totally theorizing) probably listened to Perry and wanted the fame, attention, and lifestyle of Perry. The result was the viral hit “Friday,” Black’s disastrous masterpiece about a young girl that likes cereal, is confused by front/rear seat car upholstery, and wants to hang out with her friiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnds.

Perry’s “Last Friday Night,” the single that tied her with MJ, is another entry in the “look how fun my lifestyle is” department. It’s also her most self-referential music video, in the sense that it is about a misfit girl (named Kathy, played by Perry) that during the song has a crazy Friday night***, as if Perry’s music spurs Kathy’s newfound popularity. Rebecca Black makes a cameo in the video, and her role is to accept Kathy (adorned with goggle glasses and orthodontic head ware so grotesque only Lisa Simpson can understand the suffering of wearing them) and give her a makeover so that she will become popular. And while Black is accepting the Perry-played Kathy, the same thing is taking place off-camera, as Perry has invited Black literally to be in the music video, but also more subtly drawing her into her music. Like Black, listeners are sucked into Perry’s music.

***And damn is it crazy. Her uncle is Kenny G, her dad is Corey Feldman, and Hanson is playing on her front lawn. Yeah, THAT Hanson. And the video is 8 minutes long! And I watched the entire thing! It’s really quite awful…I’ll post it below:

When comparing Perry’s songs to Michael Jackson’s songs on a simplistic level, it’s interesting to note that while Perry is selling fiction to her audiences, and thus creating a dialogue where she is talking at her listeners, Jackson is much more introspective. This is evident even when you just gloss at the song titles that reached #1 off the Bad album: “I Just Can’t Loving You, “Bad” (featuring the refrain “I’m bad”), “The Way You Make Me Feel,” “Man in the Mirror” (i.e., Jackson), and “Dirty Diana” (ok doesn’t really work but you get the point).

But Perry isn’t concerned with thinking about herself, at least in terms of her music. Nor does she want her audience to think about themselves as they currently are. Rather, she wants her audience to think about what they aren’t, and then provide them with a haven in which they can explore their fantasies. The fantasies Perry is selling may be cliché, like Friday night popularity, Valentine’s Day plans, and being attractive. But just because they’re cliché doesn’t mean they aren’t fantasies that teenagers are obsessed with. And if you don’t believe me, try to remember when you were in high school.

Scoreboard Watching

If you’re a baseball fan right now, you’re in 1 of 3 emotional stages. You may be disappointed with how your favorite team’s season went but you are no longer depressed; apathy rules within you and you will just wait out the season and hope for the best next year. On the opposite end of that spectrum, you are a fan of an elite team that is cruising towards the playoffs (Phillies, Brewers, Red Sox, Yankees). You still tune in because it’s fun to watch them kick ass but you aren’t too worried if they win or lose. Right now, it’s all about staying healthy for the postseason.

Right in the middle of these two groups of fans at peace is the maniacal, live-or-die world of pennant races. Though you cared in April, the games now are magnified and your emotional well-being hangs on every pitch, every swing, every degree Fernando Rodney’s cap is off center, every flailing Adam Dunn swing. 

It is a time for complete irrationality for baseball fans. If your team is currently in a race to make the playoffs, you are likely well aware of the toils of scoreboard watching. Unlike other sports leagues (notably the NBA and NHL where over half of the teams make the playoffs), reaching the MLB postseason is an accomplishment in itself. Also unlike other sports, any team that makes the playoffs can get hot and win the World Series (just ask the 2006 Cardinals and 2010 Giants). The best team rarely wins the World Series. But to have a shot at October glory, a team first has to make the playoffs, which is no easy feat.

Therefore, baseball fans will often simultaneously monitor their favorite team as well as well as the team their favorite team is battling for division supremacy. In order to help, I’ve created a list of ways to help you efficiently Scoreboard Watch as well as point out what it and isn’t acceptable.

For the sake of ease, I will write this from the perspective of an Angels fan. As of writing this, the Angels sit 4.5 games behind the first place Texas Rangers, not an ideal position but also not an insurmountable deficit.

#1 – During a pennant chase, friends and family are more or less irrelevant

By this, I mean it is OK to ignore your loved ones in favor of watching a crucial game. Family is overrated anyway, right? Remember that time Adam Kennedy hit 3 home runs to send the Angels to the World Series? Pretty exciting stuff. What has your family done? Supported you and gave you the tools necessary to succeed in life. Boring!

If your team makes the playoffs, it will provide you with a lifetime full of memories you will cherish. Well maybe just until next season. Yeah, so what if you guys won the World Series, what have you done for me lately!? Bums!

#2 – During a pennant chase, significant others are more or less irrelevant

Similar to #1, just more specific. Ideally, you want to find a girl (remember, my perspective) that likes baseball, or at least can tolerate it (but not some beefcake girl that can name the Game 7 lineup for the 1985 Royals while beating you in an arm wrestling match). But even if a girl says she likes baseball, she still doesn’t understand the full ramifications of what that means.

Guys LIKE baseball. Girls like going to games and dancing to get onto the JumboTron and checking out the hot players wearing tight pants. The outcome of the game isn’t life or death. But to the superior, more intelligent gender, there is absolutely nothing more important than vicariously living through 18 millionaires throw a ball, swing a piece of wood, and run. That’s why guys are better. We just get it.

Every guy knows how to tune out a chatty girlfriend. Usually, a well placed “oh really” and “yeah?” are enough to keep a guy from getting in trouble. The girl is satisfied as well because she doesn’t have to breathe for 10 minutes (I’ve learned this is how women survive). But when the playoffs are on the line, the guy has to be more forceful. I can’t be bothered hearing about your “promotion” or “second thoughts about our relationship” when the bases are loaded.

So if you’re watching the game at home and your significant other starts talking, I find it effective to say something along the lines of “you know, can this wait? I really don’t care.” She’ll get the hint. Now, it’s possible that she may be upset about this for whatever reason, which is ridiculous since she was the one that started talking and she knows Talking Hours are 5 minutes before first pitch and 5 minutes after the final out. If it was a game against the Orioles in May and you decided to give her some extra talk time during the game, that’s totally your call. But during the pennant chase, that’s rude of her to interrupt.

If you live with your significant other, this could result in you sleeping on the couch (totally unreasonable on her part but a possibility). While this may seem like punishment, this in reality is an awesome perk. Now, you can watch the game replay or watch the same highlights on SportsCenter for the next 8 hours. If you’re lucky, the Baseball Tonight crew will quit giving sexual favors to the Yankees and Red Sox for just long enough to talk about the Angels.

#3 – Don’t be shy to utilize your phone’s entire battery reserves

#3 can also be connected to the first two tips, since it is probably the most effective method of ignoring others.

Your phone has several hours of battery power…don’t be afraid to use it all. If you find yourself out in public during an important game, simply keep track of the pertinent games on your phone. ESPN Gamecast can be an effective method. It’s likely that seeing pitch descriptions like “in play, out(s) recorded” is more riveting than whatever company you’re keeping. Great Grandma will have another 100th birthday party next year anyway. 

This Gamecast must be fake if it has the Angels beating the Red Sox

 If you’re fortunate enough to be at a game, still feel free to use your phone to track out-of-town scores. We all know that scoreboard on the right field wall isn’t updated quickly enough. It’s probably some high school dropout pressing buttons anyway. Do they even know how to count? Better not risk it. Knowing the 1^st inning score 30 seconds earlier is worth it. Your ignored company will understand.

Another phone benefit is it works as your very own replay booth. All you need is someone watching at home. At Angel Stadium, if there is a controversial call, they never show it on the JumboTron, probably because they don’t want to rile up the Orange County fans and cause them to accidentally spill red wine and foie gras on their Ed Hardy T-shirts. If it looks like a ball down the line was fair but the umpire calls foul, angrily text your scout and ask them what TV replay says. I find that texting “FAIR OR FOUL?!?!?!?!” does a nice job or relaying your exasperation. This won’t change the call and your knowledge of a blown call will likely only piss you off, but now at least you can shout at the ump from the upper deck and tell him how you feel. That’ll teach him.

 - "Baseball season!" - "Duck Season!" - "Baseball season!" - "Duck season!"

#4 – Expect the impossible…and be pissed when it doesn’t happen

Yeah the Rangers may be playing the Royals. Yeah Bruce Chen may be pitching against them, and yeah he may be one of the worst pitchers of the last decade. But dammit, why can’t he throw a no-hitter today? It’s baseball, anything can happen.

While following said Rangers-Royals game, it is perfectly acceptable to get overly excited if Jeff Francouer hits a solo home run in the 2^nd inning to put the Royals up 1-0 (a big if, but remember, dream big). They’re a big league team they know how to play (unless they’re name is Luke Hochevar). It’s also acceptable to throw a temper tantrum when the Rangers score 8 runs off Chen in the bottom of the 2^nd. I thought that lead would hold!

Cut from similar cloth, it’s reasonable to expect the Angels to go undefeated over the last 6 weeks of the season. Each day is important. Whenever Texas loses to the Royals (and damn Abner Doubleday in his grave if they don’t!) the Angels must win to gain ground. If the Angels lose then they just wasted another chance to gain ground. Taking 2 of 3 games each series is loser talk. That loss represents one step closer to a long nihilism-filled winter.

#5 – Don’t be ashamed to root for Satan

Satan’s spawn rather, that being the Red Sox and Yankees.

If either of these teams play the Rangers, don’t feel bad rooting for them. They’re both going to make the playoffs anyway so rooting against them is pointless.

And when the Yankees get to the playoffs, it’s not like they’re a threat. I mean, have you seen their pitching staff? C.C. Sabathia is a legitimate ace, but Bartolo Colon (!) will start a playoff game. And who is going to start Game 3 (this is assuming the mound hasn’t been flattened after trying to support Sabtahia and Colon two consecutive nights)? A.J. “Next Year I’m Going to Make As Much Money As Jered Weaver, Even Though I Pitch More Like Jeff” Burnett?

Witty remark not required

 Even under the wild assumption that anyone other than Sabathia is going to force outs, who’s going to catch the ball behind them? Derek Jeter’s Hoveround can only move so fast and A-Rod prefers to only bend over when injecting a syringe into his ass.

One thing working for the Yankees is the short porch in right field, which makes Yankee Stadium look like a joke. Oh yeah, real prolific offense you guys have with Granderson and Teixeira hitting pop ups for home runs. I’ve seen bigger dimensions at a local softball league. Though I’m sure Sabathia wouldn’t mind if there was a keg at the mound and every base (A-Rod would prefer if there was a cocaine-riddled poker game at 3^rd base).

The Red Sox are a little tougher to root for because they’re, ya know, built to succeed in the playoffs. And like the Yankees they play in a stadium that could probably host the Little League World Series. And like the Yankees their fans are obnoxious and stupid (“how much for an obstructed view seat? Fak yah I’ll go! Go Sawx!”) and think that because their teams have been around for 100 years and won the majority of their World Series titles before black people were allowed to play and when you only had to beat like 8 teams to win, their teams are full of “tradition” and “history” (back in the day, winning the World Series meant you had the only fat, drunk, Irish immigrant on the field that could make contact with the ball after the previous night’s bender).

Yeah, it might feel dirty to root for Josh Beckett’s seaweed necklace and Kevin Euclis (source: Lewis, Michael, Moneyball. 2003, officially dated in 2005), but remember that the key is your team makes the playoffs.

The Rangers play the Red Sox 7 times in the next couple weeks. You’re a fool if you don’t think I’m rooting for the Red Sox. I’ve put too much emotional investment into the Angels for them to not make the playoffs. If they don’t make it I don’t really see the point in living. It will be a cold, remorse filled life. I might start studying Nietzche, or begin a quest to search for the meaning of life and why bad things happen to good people.

Or I could just wait until next season. I never really thought the Angels would do much this season anyway.

Trying to Jump the Shark: Weeklong Marathon Ideas for Other Networks

If you have even the slightest amount of nerd in you, you are well aware that this week is Shark Week on Discovery Channel. Airing every summer, Shark Week has become a phenomenon of sorts; I was shocked to find out that this summer tradition is older than me. For whatever reason, sharks, like dinosaurs, are creatures that capture our imaginations as children and our curiosity with them festers well into adulthood. Discovery has banked on Shark Week for 2 decades. It’s an easy way to fill a week of programming (“what you say? We have an open time slot for 1am? I don’t know, just throw that one with the jumping sharks on there. Everyone loves a good jumping shark”). HDTVs have made watching the sharks even more spectacular than in the past.

If the shark did this 18 years ago, we could have avoided Andre

Also this week, to less fanfare, is Mob Week on AMC. Essentially, the week is devoted to showing old mob movies that we’ve all seen countless times. It also helps that each Godfather is so damn long that running a marathon of the 3 GF installments could kill quite literally 12 hours of time slots.

Having a week long theme is nothing new for cable TV. Sometimes, networks take advantage of October to showcase their scarier fare (AMC does this with the Halloween movies; I think I’ve seen Halloweens 4 and 5 in their entirety, but never in one sitting; rather, it’s been about a 10 year process, but I’ve learned that if wells won’t even kill little Timmy, they sure as hell won’t kill Michael Myers). December is obviously reserved for Christm – er – Holiday programming.

But why stop there? Below are some of my ideas for weeklong themes for prominent cable networks. And no, I’m not including a “Actual Music on MTV Week” because that joke should have died 10 years ago.

Comedy Central: Shows that Don’t Involve People Named Stewart, Colbert, Tosh, or Cartman Week

Hope everyone likes Jay & Silent Bob and Van Wilder, because they’re going to be on this week. A lot.

GSN: Long Microphone Week

Homage to classic game show hosts that used the phallic-inspired long microphone. Special attention will be given to Bob Barker and Gene Rayburn. Though the Walking Sexual Harassment Charge (aka Richard Dawson) will not be hosting any show this week, he will make many appearances on Match Game. He’ll be the one whispering sweet nothings into the ear of a blonde contestant with a tight sweater.

CNN: Anderson Cooper Pretending to be a Hardcore Journalist Week

CNN will send their most famous reporter to exotic locations around the world and ask him to make love to the camera for an hour. Watch as Anderson wrestles lions! Punches a hurricane in the face! Catches a grenade (for ya) and throws it back at Iraqi insurgents! Tries to cover up he ever hosted The Mole!

Anderson Cooper: American Hero

FOX News: “Look! There’s still a war going on! And the economy hasn’t improved at all!” Week

RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!

MSNBC: “War, what war? Oh, and isn’t free health care great! And no, Rachel Maddow is not a dude…we think” Week

RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!

Lifetime: It’s Only Fashionable if Your Husband is in the Military Week

“It’s always important to accessorize. I’ll take the strapping Marine. Front lines, you say? Even better! I can milk 4 episodes of tears with that!”

OWN: Feast on Your Soul Week

Pretty simple concept. You watch, Oprah harvests your soul and gives it to Dr. Phil, Rachel Ray and Dr. Oz for sustenance. 

LPTV (owned and operate by yours truly): Parenthesis (Week)

We explore how parenthesis aid writers (and also provide a lazy way for them to interject thoughts that have no real reason for being in the text, but are used anyway (mostly because verbose writers don’t know how to keep their thoughts concise (and they see everything they think of as important to their writing (it’s tough to say if this is arrogance or not (but it is most certainly distracting (to(the(rea(der))))))))).

Food Network: Giada de Laurentiis Week

Just because she’s really hot.

Cinemax: “Who are we kidding? Let’s just play soft core porn all day” Week

Showtime: HBO-Inspired Inferiority Complex Week

“Yeah, HBO’s good, but Showtime is where edgy TV comes to play! Dexter anyone? Hasn’t been good in 3 years you say? Well how ‘bout Weeds? United States of Tara?! Yeah Diablo Cody created it, so what? Wait wait wait wait, please don’t cancel your subscript – damn…”

ESPN: West Coast Week

The week the suits at ESPN decide to only talk about and broadcast west coast related games. This means no Yankees, Red Sox, Cowboys, Phillies, Knicks, Eagles, Duke, Ohio State, etc. Yeah right. ESPN would just as soon blow up the Baseball Tonight set (hopefully with John Kruk present) than do this.

ESPNU: Best of USC Athletic Scandals Week

Could be its own network.

G4: Loss of Virginity Week

G4  elects to air nothing in order to encourage their demographic to go out and lose their virginity. It will be interesting to see if that or Ninja Warrior is more impossible.

Travel Channel: Fat Guy Eats More Food in 1 Hour Than Zimbabwe Eats in 1 Week Week

Alternative title: “Why Every Country Wants to Bomb Us Week”

Bravo: Top Millionaire Model Genius on the D List Runway Week

Reality show where all the contestants run around, yell, act obnoxious, and get judged by a rich bald guy. Basically also the premise of every Real Housewives episode.

I'm as surprised as you are this guy has made two consecutive posts

E!: Ryan Seacrest Goes on Vacation Week

This could end up backfiring. Since Seacrest seemingly has his hand in everything at E!, the programming could turn into a real mess without his entrepreneurial presence. But, then again, Kim Kardashian is used to cleaning up messes on camera. It’s just usually with Ray J.

Oxygen: Ironically, If You’re a Dude Our Programming May Suffocate You Week

ID: Sigmund Freud Week

(ha, see what I did there?)

SyFy: Correct Spelling is Optional Week

Nick: Watching Spongebob in a Real Nickelodeon is Way Less Fun Week

Can 100-year-old popcorn kill you? Tune in to find out!

Discovery Health: Emergency Surgeries for Idiots That Stick Cameras in Sharks’ Faces Week

Mona Lisa Probably Would Have Enjoyed Beef Wellington: Cooking Shows and Art

MasterChef judges: Grumpy, Bipolar Bloak, and Obligatory "Nice" Judge

It’s no secret that summer provides a dearth of quality material for TV and movie fans. Save some exceptions (Breaking Bad season 4 premiered; if you’re not watching this show, continue not watching it because it gives me a reason to feel superior to you), summer blows. I’ve spent time in recent posts discussing bad film, so today I want to focus a little on summer TV, TV that is generally dominated by reality programming (well, so is the fall schedule, but just go with me).

Unless you want to watch re-runs of Fat White People Doing White People Things (some people call it Mike & Molly), you’re only TV choice is reality TV. My summer vice the last 2 years has been the Gordon Ramsay vehicle, MasterChef. FOX’s lead-in for this program is another more Ramsay-centric vehicle, Hell’s Kitchen. Though I have watched Hell’s before, the act of Ramsay yelling at people became more tired and contrived each season.

In MasterChef, Ramsay is significantly more subdued. Rather than playing the tyrant archetype that he does in Hell’s, MasterChef presents coiffed-haired Ramsay as a Brit who loves food but wanted something more than bangers and mash as a child. He is often compassionate and routinely encourages eliminated contestants to continue cooking. His role on MasterChef only serves to undermine his barbaric role on Hell’s Kitchen, underscoring the idea that Ramsay does have a heart after all. Some Ramsay irritation is funny, and MasterChef usually does an exemplary job of depicting their star as helpful mentor that only ventures into pissed off Scot when a contestant deserves it or the episode has hit an extended lull. As a result, MasterChef seems more serious or legitimate than its higher-rated counterpart (According to TVbythenumbers.com, Hell’s Kitchen scored first place for the 8:00 time slot yesterday with 5.77 million viewers while MasterChef came in 2^nd in the 9:00 time slot with 5.35 million viewers, well behind America’s Got Talent. The more I watch America’s Got Talent, the more I think the show’s title should include a question mark; also, when I think of experts at evaluating talent, I think of Howie “I’m Talented Because I Used To Tell Hot Women To Open Briefcases In Prime Time” Mandel and Sharon Osbourne.).

The rise of reality food competitions has fascinated me for some time. One possibility is that my culinary expertise begins and ends with grilled cheese. Want me to use truffles with a dish? Then you’re getting piece of Lindors on a hot fudge sundae.

But the thing I find more curious with these shows is that they display a world most viewers will never realize. The contestants aren’t cooking pot roast or lasagna. Ingredients often include ingredients I’ve never heard of and I presume millions of other viewers haven’t either. And while I’ve heard of ginger, the extent of knowledge with ginger is limited to Canada Dry.

Additionally, cooking shows are more or less impossible for home viewers to judge. True, we can judge plating, but that’s only a small fraction of a dish’s importance. For food, taste is everything. Even if something doesn’t look visually appealing, it could be the most magnificent tasting dish ever created. And really, only the 3 judges will know how they taste. They can do their best to describe how “velvety” or “sensuous” a dish is, but those are simply adjectives used more to give the judges credibility than it is to relay to the audience the food’s quality. For the weak palated, velvety is a high class synonym for “good.”  

With American Idol and Dancing with the Stars, most people can infer whether the person singing or dancing did a good job. Even if you’re not a singing expert (I certainly am not), I can at least make a fairly educated decision as to who the superior performer is. With cooking shows, it’s a stab on the dark. We rely on sign posts like a judge’s facial expression, musical crescendos, and a contestant’s level of calm or confusion.

So I guess the question I’m getting at in a very roundabout way is simply…why? Why does MasterChef routinely accrue over 5 million viewers (in the black hole that is summer network TV no less)? Why is the Food Network no longer solely for lonely house wives? Why are Bobby Flay and Tom Colicchio and Gordon Ramsay not just respected chefs, but borderline A-List celebrities?

My theory is that cooking gives the audience what they perceive an ascertainable creative entry into high class art. The merits of food as art are certainly debatable, but for terms of discussion in this post, I’m on the assumption that in the proper setting, food is art. MasterChef thinks food is art. After all, part of the judging is based on the appeal of plating, and there is something to be said for the ability to create a tasty concoction on the fly. All the challenges on the show require contestants to, in usually an hour, make a dish with ingredients they may or may not have used before. It takes a specific creativity I lack.

However, cooking seems less of an innate skill than other forms of art, or at least that is an easy perception to make.  To a viewer, culinary art is nothing more than following a recipe. A little of this, and a little of that, and BAM!, you’re Wolfgang Puck. This is ignoring the fact that many great chefs go to culinary school and possess palates that can discern every ingredient in a soup. No amount of overused onomatopoeia can hide these realities. But people don’t see those realities, they only see what MasterChef presents to them, that being people heating up a bunch of ingredients in a pan and putting it on a plate.

With painting, people that are unable always scoff at the idea of painting. We’d be lucky to visit the Sistine Chapel, let alone paint God giving life to Adam on the ceiling, the visionary scope of which only a select few geniuses can even imagine.

Many feel the same way with singing (some should probably get that feeling more often) and filmmaking. For some, even coherent writing is a luxury reserved for the educated elite (especially snarky bloggers that like to poke fun at Shia LaBeouf and Diablo Cody). They are art forms whose production seems other worldly and thereby impossible to attain. And we’re ok with that. Even if I consider myself a reasonably good writer, I’m hyper-aware that guys like James Joyce and Phillip Roth are laughably more talented than me. Yet, it doesn’t bother me because those guys are in a rarified class that only a select few join.

Ok, but can he make corn beef and cabbage?

But cooking? Cooking is what our parents did every day when growing up (unless you’re Gilbert Grape). Cooking is so pervasive in our culture that all intimidation has worn off. We aren’t as impressed with Gordon Ramsay as we are with Martin Scorsese and Aretha Franklin because his art is the same thing our mom did daily, at least when we use the term “cooking” in its simplest form.

Reality cooking shows have gained popularity because they give us entry to the base level of the lifestyles of the rich, famous, and artistically talented. We might never party with Justin Timberlake, but we at least have the belief that we might be able to one day eat like him. Or if we want to accept the MasterChef allusion, maybe one day cook for him.

The Chuck

When you’re a kid, there are few places more awesome than Chuck E. Cheese. The only thing that may surpass it is Disneyland, but even then, as a kid, I preferred to hang out with Mr. Cheese and friends. Nothing beats the combination of video games, unhealthy food, free sugar refills, and prizes which aren’t really prizes since you indirectly paid for them.

Having gone to a Chuck E. Cheese twice fairly recently for a kid’s birthday, the magic has obviously worn off. The place reeks of Pine Sol and stale tears. The games suck. Even the pizza, which I revered as a kid, now tastes like cardboard. And it got me thinking: maybe kids have outgrown Chuck E. Cheese. Yes, it’s obviously a kid’s place, but kids now are more sophisticated than 15 years ago. They aren’t satisfied that you can shoot into a basketball hoop for tickets (but wait! It can also move forwards and backwards! What fun!), tickets that will go to some piece of crap plastic whistle or, if they’re really lucky, a lava lamp. Kids now want video games and software for their computers and Apple money so they can buy apps on their IPads. Given how quickly kids seem to be growing up now, don’t be surprised if corn cobs pipes are included in future Happy Meals.

So, if the kids no longer appreciate Chuck E. Cheese, why not give it back to the young adults? The very one’s that grew up incessantly bothering their parents to take them to Chuck E. Cheese. My idea is to create a 21 and over club atmosphere based on Chuck E. Cheese, known simply as The Chuck.

My idea differs from Dave & Buster’s because D&B obviously wants to be different from Chuck E. Cheese. I don’t. I want to adopt all Chuck E. Cheese elements and put an adult spin on them with some minor tweaks. After all, Chuck E. Cheese is more club-ready than you probably realize.

Entrance

If you remember, Chuck E. Cheese already has a velvet rope upon entrance. This was to ensure that families would have a unique hand stamp so that upon exiting, children would leave with their parents and not be abducted by some weirdo (because, you know, it’s so much safer to be with your parents, as one recent verdict proved).

In The Chuck, I’m doing away with the hand stamps. Instead, patrons (if lucky enough to be on the list) will receive glow necklaces, with certain colors denoting how “available” they are. Blue means “Not Interested” because, as all female stand up comedians will attest, it’s annoying being hit on in clubs. Plus, this will prevent these “Not Interested” people from getting free drinks from sucker guys. See, I’m helping everyone.

Green necklaces can mean something like “It’s In Play, But You Gotta Work For It.” Red means you’re ready to go. By default, all male patrons receive red necklaces because no dude, if they’re being honest, wants to go to a club just to hang out or dance. They are on a primal mission. The necklaces could expedite the process.

Food

Trying to hook up can be a tiring venture (says the guy with less game than a 2011 Derek Jeter), to refuel, food is necessary. And yes, pizza is still on the menu. As is standard Chuck procedure, the now-bar is located immediately upon entrance. Here, patrons can order exotic thin crust pizzas. The Chuck will wisely add words to the pizza’s description like “basil,” “prosciutto,” and “margherita” so as to inflate prices. For dessert, patrons can purchase vodka infused cotton candy (I actually just made this up, but it sounds delicious; if it exists, I must find it*).

*7/11/2011 update: I was informed that this does exist. At AnQi Bistro in Costa Mesa, they serve a cocktail mixture of grapefruit juice, orange juice, vodka, and tequila, poured over a piece of pink cotton candy, called a Lotus. Or as the local "Real Housewives of OC" would call it, breakfast.

As far as booze, The Chuck will have an extensive bottled and draught beer selection. I would prefer to not have any cheap domestic beer, but since Bros will inevitably invade the club, they will need to keep hydrated with Bud Light (which reminds me, there will be a special Bro Menu; for a nominal fee, Bros can order a combo of cigarettes, Monster, and GED certificate of completion). Other than beer and the traditional drinks one can find at any bar, the Featured Drinks will be Suicide-infused. What I mean by this is that margaritas and other mixed drinks (for a small mark up) will feature every soda from the fountain, i.e. “suicide” (don’t pretend like you didn’t do this as a kid; one of the saddest days of my life was when Chuck E. Cheese stopped offering Surge).

Staff

Rather than having some doofus wearing a giant mouse costume or a purple Grimace-rip off, the staff will include scantily clad women (and men…I guess) known as the Mice. Think of it as the Playboy Bunnies, except the Mice won’t have annoying laughs and become famous for being “in love” with some 80 year-old that pretty much keeps Viagra in business by himself. As for the men on the staff…well this is my fantasy and I can exclude them. If you want to buy your own franchise and employ men on the staff, have at it.

Games

Skee-ball is out, mostly because I’m trying to not make an inappropriate joke by adding one letter. You know Whack-a-mole? Well try your hand at Whack-a-bro (it should be noted that the developers of this game also created a House of the Dead type game where the gamer walks around a club and shoots all the 50-year-old men wearing Ed Hardy shirts)! Another must arcade game is Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker, a real game from the late 80s in which you play as MJ and walk around rescuing children (I’m not making this up) and killing the bad guys through dance; also in the game is Bubbles, MJ’s famous pet chimp, who appears in each level and provides a power up if you catch him (seriously, I’m not making this up). This game has no relevant purpose to The Chuck, but it’s hilarious and would reflect on the childlike whimsy of Chuck E. Cheese.

I also have a version of the basketball game, called LeBron James 4^th Quarter Corner, where you earn 30 points for missing shots and 150 points if you don’t shoot the ball at all. Air Hockey is replaced by a beer pong table (reserved by the Bros until the end of time). I’m also getting rid of the racing games in lieu of Mel Gibson’s DUI Prix. The winner of the race s whoever can most successfully get pulled over and verbally assault a police officer. Bonus points are awarded if you are able to run Kiefer Sutherland off the road.

Obstacle Course

Ball pit is out, Jacuzzi is in. May as well, since both are equally unsanitary. However, the tubes stay. Since The Chuck is destined to become an international hit, many celebs will try to crash the party. The tubes are more for functionality than recreation though. Whenever annoying reality TV stars like the Kardashians or cast of the Jersey Shore show up to The Chuck, the bouncers will escort them to the tubes, where they will more than likely get lost and be unable to find their way out.

Entertainment

Just like Chuck E. Cheese, there will be a separate room that features live music. The middle tables will be replaced with a dance floor and booths will surround the perimeter of the room, reserved only for those interested in bottle service. The music will vary. Some nights will feature rock-based groups while other nights may be more hip hop infused. Prestige is important to The Chuck, so only premium talent will be chosen to perform. Sorry Lil Wayne. Ideally, the show will start around 10pm, which gives plenty of time for the room to get a true feel of other LA-based venues, that being it will be so crowded you can’t pull out your cell phone without bumping into someone’s drink. The Chuck knows how to put on a show, so they will also make sure to turn the heat on so you get a good lather going. What’s that, you want obnoxiously loud music like other clubs? You mean you actually don’t want to communicate like a reasonable person for the next 3 hours because you can’t speak to someone 2 inches away, not that it would matter since you have probably developed a slight case of deafness? And you only want the main act to play two songs and play them very half-ass? Well at The Chuck, they got all that covered! Also, to enhance the show’s full sensory enjoyment, The Chuck has hired hard rock band Great White to oversee all pyrotechnic operations.

Prizes

Like Chuck E. Cheese, the last thing most patrons will do before exiting into the night is collecting their prizes. And, also like Chuck E. Cheese, the prizes are generally worth the time of standing in line. Patrons can turn in their tickets for a variety of prizes. If you are unable to win any prizes, don’t worry, there is a handful of free options, including a Blu-Ray box set of all of Katherine Heigl’s movies and a first generation Motorola Droid (seriously, mine sucks now, anyone want it?). Starting on the bottom level, for one ticket, you will get 4 tickets to an upcoming LA Dodger game. For 5 tickets, you receive a card with Matt Kemp’s sullen face on it, which requests that for only 5 cents a day, you can help pay his salary. After working your way through the higher levels with some BLOAQ stock and trips to Omaha, you start to get to the good stuff. For 1,000,000,0000,000,000 tickets, you inherit Oprah’s fortune (unfortunately, you also inherit her superiority complex).

And the most expensive item at the prize booth? Nostalgia. For an untold sum, a staff member of The Chuck will, for 8 hours, teleport you back to when you were 10 and you get to run rampant through Chuck E. Cheese as you remember it, before the smell of vomit bothered you and before you had a concept of money and before you developed a taste for superior pizza. For as awesome as The Chuck will be, it won’t be able to compare to your memories of Chuck E. Cheese, memories that with maturation are impossible to recreate. For 8 hours, you get to enjoy the place where a kid can be a kid.