Apples ARE Better Than Rocks: My Hallowen Party Banished List

No plans this weekend? No problem! I’m throwing my first ever Halloween party, and you are likely invited. I say likely because, as long as you don’t fit the below criteria, you are more than welcome. Costumes are encouraged but not mandatory.

(Full disclosure: I’m plagiarizing this idea from myself)

Now, for those banned from my party:

The No’s

Apple People

By apple people, I refer to those homes that dole (fruit reference) out apples and healthy options instead of candy for trick or treating kids. Never mind the obvious problems associated with an early 20s man complaining about the current state of trick or treating but please, indulge me.

Apple People are below Juice Box People but still above Turn Off The Lights And Pretend We’re Not Home Even Though The Neighborhood Can Clearly See The TV Glow Through The Curtains People (unless you are court ordered against doing so, at least leave a candy tray outside*) on the trick or treating hierarchy.

* Tray People are the direct opposite of Apple People because they are every kid’s favorite candy destination. Unless they also have the sign attached to the candy tray that says “Take Only 1 Piece Please,” like they are the morality police. Whatever lady, I was here first, it’s my candy. Tough luck for Spiderman and Harry Potter, they can wait their turn. **Did I mention I’m a college graduate?

** Costume idea for this year: Paula Deen. All you do is eat baked potatoes with extra cheese, sour cream, chives (for fiber), bacon, and, oh, why not chili. Then fry it. And put it in a cake. Do that for a solid month before Halloween; then on the big day, coat your skin in extra-salted Land O’Lakes and you’re good to go (Paula Deen is the OG of Epic Meal Time).

More impressive: the structure or that Paula hasn't eaten it yet?

I assume that Apple People are primarily older community members that genuinely think apples are a treat because during the Depression their apple tree in the backyard sustained life for 4 years. But to kids now, apples are nothing more than the side option you never get with your Happy Meal.

Yet, some Apple People are the minivan moms that want to ensure that their kids have enough energy for soccer practice. “Gee, thanks Mrs. P, but if I wanted an apple and a Kashi bar, I’d just go live at a homeless shelter. I’m totally throwing this at your Honda Odyssey later.”

Give the kid a Snickers and be done with it. Our youth are all headed for diabetes anyway.

William Shatner Look-alikes

Better safe than sorry. (Pardon the German dubbing, though it might make the dialogue better.)

Paranormal Activity sequels

Just when the Saw franchise is ending, we have another Halloween movie franchise tradition. Like the original Saw, the first Paranormal Activity was low-budgeted yet inspired. Overall, just good, suspenseful filmmaking. Then another one came out. And another. Before you know it there will be a 3-D version where you can almost touch the filmmakers mailing it in.

I saw the first one in theaters after all the initial hype, so I went in knowing what to expect and didn’t find it “piss my pants scary” like some claimed. But I still enjoyed it and was riveted for the duration. Much of its success (for me anyway) though, was predicated on being fresh and proving that you don’t need a ton of money to make a great genre film (like Clerks). But I can’t force myself to sit through sequels that undoubtedly have higher budgets, resulting in a lost charm of sorts.

And while the original didn’t terrify me, I was still admittedly scared at some parts. But I imagine much of that is lost with the sequels. How often can a swinging door or malfunctioning TV be scary, ya know?

The X Factor

If Simon Cowell’s t-shirts were any tighter, they might squeeze out his buried career past, the one where he endorsed such prestigious acts as the Teletubbies and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. And Ruben Studdard.

“Sexy” Costumes

One of Halloween’s clichés is that it gives girls a chance to justify slutting it up once a year. And it’s a totally valid cliché, because all girls dress like sluts. But I’m not here to complain about THAT. Many of the costumes are indeed effective. Sexy pirate? Sure, why not. Sexy zombie? I imagine it’s like hooking up with a Quaalude-induced Lindsay Lohan, but ok.*** Sexy librarian? If you have a thing for glasses (me) and pretending to be knowledgeable about literature (me again), yep.

***If Hugh Hefner is showing any signs of aging, the most notable one is that Lohan is going to be in “Playboy.” Shudder.

But the slutty costumes that disturb me are things like Sexy Nun and Sexy Nurse (there’s something psychological to be said that these tropes are found attractive by men, especially when they are figures that aid those in need of healing, be it spiritual or physical; there’s a college paper idea if you need one Anonymous College Student follower of mine).

Maybe since I don’t go to the doctor’s office enough I haven’t had enough time to develop the proper fantasy regarding nurses (zombie outbreak outside, only you and the nurse who for some reason looks exactly like Brooklyn Decker remain, Earth needs more people, yada yada yada annnnnnnnnd SCENE!), but my interaction with them is always nothing more than awkward pleasantries which are more awkward because she is currently looking at my entire medical history (but if an asthmatic childhood is her thing, then we might be on to something). Also, because I know nothing about medical practices, I always have a mini freak out before I get a shot or have blood drawn because I’m worried the nurse forgot to flick the needle. Would that even kill me if she didn’t? Probably not. Furthermore, they’re never wearing sexy nurse skirts, but dull blue scrubs, which sucks the life out of those that just look at them. 

Even the zombies don't want her for her brains

 And nuns remind me of old ladies. If you were dating a nun, your night would most likely consist of BINGO and apple sauce spooning. The most attractive nun I can think of is Julie Andrews from The Sound of Music, and she’s just ok. Plus, she played a maid in Mary Poppins, another sexy Halloween trope.****

**** Although a spoon full of sugar might be different from a sexy maid, AMIRITE?!  No? Ok, let’s move on.

The last one I’ll mention is Sexy School Girl, which is really just legalized To Catch a Predator. Men are weird.

Egg Throwers

Good luck on the GED test next week.

Large Rabbits

Better safe than sorry.

Jack-o-Lanterns

An odd tradition. With no other vegetation do we feel the need to gut and carve funny faces into. Also a lot of work for something that’s going to rot in 48 hours (or smashed on your lawn by people that should be studying for the GED). And why do carved pumpkins only have a couple teeth? I realize for pumpkins in Arkansas this is perfectly accurate, but why can’t California pumpkins be blessed with a nice set of pearly oranges? It’s a terrifying and racist trend to assume that all pumpkins lack proper dental hygiene. 

Just because I think it's funny

For the artistically uninclined, carving pumpkins is just another tradition that proves how inept you are at crafts. For kids that sucked at art (like me), any holiday is a drag. And the teachers always treat it like it’s some sort of learning disability. Yeah, so what if I can’t make an effing snowflake, I’ve NEVER BEEN IN THE SNOW, LADY, it’s Los Angeles; also, these paper snowflakes are probably a million times larger than a regular snowflake; get your scale straight Miss Hoover.

Having kids make crafts is a lot of pressure. The girls love it because then they get to bedazzle the hell out of their projects with the glitter buried deep in their Nordstrom’s pencil box (the perils of going to private school). Some of the boys like it, but it’s always the ones that play tether ball and are probably way too good at it. But for me and the rest of my ilk, it’s brutal. “Now class, make something nice for your mom for Mother’s Day.” And as you’re making your paper mache heart that looks more like something out of Gray’s Anatomy (the book) than you intended, you realize it’s an atrocity but like hell if you’re starting over because you don’t want to do it anyway and really your only alternative is drawing a dog that is simply a circle with 4 lines sticking out of it and a happy face while Wendy (she’s such a bitch) is doing her best Van Gogh impression that took her about 7 minutes while you’re still stuck on the circle and the collapsed paper mache heart and then the teacher walks by and forces out her best “Oh…nice job Andrew, your mom is going to love it” even though you know she’s lying but you have to endure and finish the craft (the word “craft” always bothered me too) because you are still too young and stupid to realize that completing assignments in elementary school is more or less pointless.

So yeah, no pumpkins.

YEEHAW!

Mike Napoli celebrating a home run with Adrian Beltre and Mitch Moreland

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) -- Texas Rangers catcher Mike Napoli hit 4 home runs, including the game winning Grand Slam in the 9^th inning, to lead the Rangers to their first World Series Championship over the St. Louis Cardinals in Game 7 with a 9-8 victory.

The Cardinals were one strike away from claiming their first title since 2006. In the top of the 9^th, Napoli hit a 3-2 “fastball” off of Tony La Russa to deep centerfield. Estimations have listed that the ball traveled 800 feet.

When asked to comment on the prodigious home run, Cardinals hitting coach Mark McGwire said “Meh. Try doing that when you have acne covering your back. Not comfortable.”

“It’s the greatest feeling in the world,” said an exuberant Napoli. “Ya know, last year I never thought I would be in a position to use my talents and help my team win a World Series. It really helped this year getting a chance to play.”

Napoli was referring to his 2010 season with the Los Angeles Angels, where he was often benched in favor of Jeff Mathis, who suffers from a rare and serious condition in which he falls into a coma for 3 hours at a time, usually from April-September starting around 7:05pm each night.

“I just want to thank the Rangers for acquiring me last winter…and also my neck beard. Yeah, I mostly want to thank my neck beard,” said Napoli just before cracking open a Pabst Blue Ribbon and shooting an elk with his hunting rifle, a longstanding tradition for Texas teams celebrating a championship.

Cardinals manager Tony La Russa put himself into a bind in this game with an odd choice of strategy. To try to combat Napoli’s torrid production in the series, La Russa decided he would use his patented bullpen wizardry against the Texas slugger by inserting a new relief pitcher into the game for each pitch.

“I thought this tactic might really confuse Napoli. He’s just such a great hitter that you want to try to keep him off-balance as much as possible,” said La Russa. “Unfortunately he fouled off 10 pitches in the 1st inning, so that really put us in a tough spot.”

With the Cardinals in desperate need of pitching, La Russa decided to insert himself into the game. In what appeared to be a stroke of luck for the Cardinals, former Tampa Bay ace Scott Kazmir was in St. Louis for an Insurance Salesmen Convention. Reports swirled before the game that Scott Kazmir, the former Tampa Bay ace, would be signed to a 1 day contract to pitch for the Cardinals in case they ran out of pitchers. However, La Russa and GM John Mozeliak agreed it was best to just let La Russa pitch if such a situation arose.

“I was a little disappointed,” said Kazmir via phone interview. “I think negotiations broke down during my bullpen session when I killed the Rally Squirrel. It was about 30 feet off the plate, so obviously way too close. Oh well, that’s baseball. By the way, are you covered in case of a flood?”

But the real story of the series was Napoli, the much-maligned catcher with the Angels that blossomed into a star this season with the Rangers, hitting .320 with a .414 on-base percentage and 30 home runs.

“He was berry, berry good,” said Cardinals superstar Albert Pujols, who may have played his last game as a Cardinal since he becomes a free agent in about a week. “I happy I not have to play him next year when I’m on the Cubs. Cubs are berry bad.”

After the Angels dealt Napoli to Toronto in exchange for Vernon Wells, the Blue Jays then sent Napoli to Texas for relief pitcher Frank Francisco.

“We’re thrilled Mike fell into our hands this offseason,” said Rangers CEO Nolan Ryan. “Lemme tell you a little story. See, Toronto didn’t want to trade him. They thought he could 40 home runs there. And I got to figgerin,’ we shouldn’t let an upstanding, white American rot in Canada. It ain’t proper. You been there? It’s terrible. There’s no Texas anywhere. So I sent some of George Dubyas secret service men to waterboard that Greek sumbitch, [Toronto GM] Alex Chickenpita, until he traded Mike to us.”

When asked if Texas missed Frank Francisco’s contributions, Ryan asked “Who the hell is Frank Francisco?”

Former Angels GM Tony Reagins, the man responsible for initially trading away Napoli, declined comment for this story, citing that he needed to be one of the first 100 customers at a Del Taco grand opening in Tustin so that he would receive free Macho burritos for a year.

Angels manager Mike Scioscia was reached for a phone interview and had this statement: “I tip my cap to Mike; I’m very proud of what he did this year. It was clear that when he went to Texas, he began heeding me advice by taking everything one game at a time. I’m also glad to see he worked on his CERA [Catcher’s ERA] skills, because those are clearly the most important skills for a catcher. Pitcher’s are irrelevant to outcomes. Also – oh hold on a second – Jeff! Jeffy! How many times do I have to tell you? If you’re going to walk around the house in lingerie, make sure it’s the one I like. You know, the one with the chest protector and shin guards – oh crap you didn’t hear that did you?”

“It’s all about making the best of your opportunities,” said Napoli. “Sometimes, a fresh environment is all someone needs to succeed. And cocaine. Like, seriously, you wouldn’t believe how much coke [centerfielder Josh Hamilton] and [manager Ron Washington] provide. You can stay up all night taking batting practice with just a few lines.”

Napoli was named World Series MVP. Among the 34 World Series records he set in the Fall Classic, two of the more notable records were his 1.000 on-base percentage and 13 home runs.

Meanwhile, Vernon Wells is still under contract through 2014.

Netflix Customers: A Rant Against the Ranters

In July 2011, Netflix, the internet-based DVD delivery/online streaming service largely responsible for crushing Blockbuster, announced there would be a price hike up to 60% for some subscribers. Many of the company’s 25 million subscribers cancelled their membership in protest, causing a PR disaster and Netflix’s stock to plummet at the time. In September, CEO Reed Hastings sent an email to subscribers apologizing for the price increase; but rather than cancelling the increase, Hastings announced Netflix would be split into two companies for efficiency and customer satisfaction. Netflix would still remain as the streaming option, but Qwikster would be created for the DVD delivery service. After more public backlash, backlash citing confusion and inconvenience patronizing two separate cites, Netflix decided to abandon proceedings for the idea. What follows is a brief rant aimed at Netflix customers…

So Netflix raised prices. And? On what planet is it Netflix’s key responsibility to remain loyal to customers rather than make money?

Reed Hastings (a made-up surfer name if there ever was one) is not your friend, much like Steve Jobs was not your friend. The closest they come in contact with the general public is when their secretaries are under their desk. The American public thinks Reed’s job is to keep them happy. Wrong, Reed’s job is to keep the stockholders happy. If he doesn’t, the yacht he plans on buying is going to lose a level. If any of the people citing disloyalty and morality as their chief complaints were in Hastings’ position, they would take similar action to increase revenue, unless they are the ultimate moralists.*

*In which case, an ultimate moralist would never rise to CEO of a major corporation.

If he's going to be fired for anything, it should be because he's holding "A Sound of Thunder" disc and smiling at the same time

 

 I may sound like Mr. Capitalist and The Man, but I think I’m just being rational. So Netflix costs you $20/month instead of the previous $15/month now, right? Ok, think of how often you blow $5 in a month. “Super Size me? Yes please!” ($1). “Yeah I guess I’ll donate $1 to the children’s hospital even though I don’t want to but I don’t want to look like a bad person…stupid movie theater” ($2). “This gum has two flavors in one stick?! I must have!” ($3). “Meh, one more dance won’t hurt” ($45).

See, stuff like this happens every month. Netflix is trying to make money and survive as a company; we’re the ones being fast and loose with our spending money.

“But Andrew, it’s a tough economy!” cries the Greek choir I made up.

True, the economy sucks, but Netflix is also a great way to save money. If you’re a person that watches a decent amount of movies, then simply save them for Netflix release. So let’s say you’re going to see the new Ryan Gosling movie.** Unless you’re one of THOSE people that attends movies by yourself, that saves $20 right there, not to mention on snacks that we won’t be able to resist because the popcorn smell is intoxicating and Sour Patch Kids were ordained by God as his candy of choice (“Just 50 cents to upgrade to a medium container of sugar water? Sure, why not” ($45.50)). Even if you eliminate going to the movies one time a month, and save that movie for Netflix, the subscription already pays for itself. Now, do that 4 times per month, and Netflix starts to look like an amazing bargain even with the newly inflated price.

**You know, the one where he’s really attractive and the lead actress wants to disrobe whenever she sees him because, you know, he’s Gosling.

Insert inappropriate joke using "Gosling," "women," and "streaming"

  

And if the cost is still too steep, then drop the streaming option. The movies suck anyway. For every Up-caliber title you might find in the not-so-extensive library, you’re going to find 8 different Ernest Goes to Camp spin-offs (Ernest goes to Cerritos AutoSquare, anyone?). I get it, streaming movies to your TV is cool and new, but it’s still raw. And unless you’ll watch anything the TV tells you to watch, give Netflix some time to gather better licenses for their streaming product.

RIP Ernest

As for the Qwikster thing, yeah it was probably a bad idea.***It doesn’t make sense to take two services that were previously available on one website and split them up into two different websites, accounts, credit card charges, etc. But then again, what are we complaining about? Having 2 separate accounts?! On 2 websites?! How primitive!

***It’s also a stupid name. It sounds like something this creature would use to self-medicate.

It’s probable you have at least 10 (bare minimum; and yes, Mr. Skin counts) accounts and passwords floating around cyberspace (you were probably directed to this blog through Facebook (1 account), which to sign up for you need an email account (2 accounts)). What’s one more? And don’t give me this crap about confusion. Chances are, if you’re trying to stream movies through your Wii into your 56” Sony, you’re tech savvy enough to know what website is the streaming service and which one isn’t. If you can miraculously compartmentalize your different online credit card/bank accounts, Netflix will be a piece of cake.

I might sound like a corporate shill, but really, I’m just a person that sees no problems with Netflix’s actions the past 3 months. I get annoyed hearing the complainers that like complaining for the sake of complaining. I’d rather they raise prices and survive than keep prices stagnant and crumble. It’s a service I’ve used extensively for 3 years. It’s convenient, reliable, and the DVD selection is 2^nd to none.

I’ve read a lot of backlash from disgruntled former subscribers, exclaiming that Netflix will crumble amongst its own avarice. But this is only an exercise in naiveté. Let’s break this down simply: say Netflix has 25 million subscribers that pay $1/month, but now they pay $5/month. So Netflix’s earnings have increased from $25 million to $125 million per month. But then with the price changes, 1 million seething people cancel their subscriptions and declare that the public has won and Netflix will falter into nothingness bwahahahahahaha. Ok, so there’s 24 million subscribers paying $5/month still, meaning Netflix’s profits are $120 million, when they were initially $25 million before the price hikes. Netflix isn’t faltering like the doomsayers predicted; it’s thriving.    

Now, I’m no economist and that was a very simple thought experiment. But Netflix’s apologies and Hastings’ emails are nothing more than a PR stunt. So when Reed smokes a bowl with Sage, Sky, and his other surfer buddies in Malibu after a long day in the water, he isn’t lamenting his company’s downfall. Rather, he’s envisioning how big how many levels his yacht should have. And he for damn sure doesn’t care about his customers nor think of them in terms of anything other than money. I know I would do the same thing if I were in his position. And if you still think cancelling your subscription will be an ample form of protest, then Hastings would suggest you don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.

"Dancing with the Stars" Season 13 Preview: Where Nancy Grace's Head Explodes

Somehow, tonight is the season premiere of the 13^th season of Dancing with the Stars.

The show consistently dominates ratings and helps prevent ABC from going the way of NBC in terms of network obscurity. But the fact that this show is such a rousing success has always mystified me.

I’ve tried watching it, but find boring. Watching 12 has-beens stumble around in ornate outfits, all hosted by the guy that tried to sell Bruce Villanch and Whoopi Goldberg’s* jokes on Hollywood Squares, doesn’t strike me as an enjoyable hour of TV.

*back when Whoopi was “funny;” now she’s the person that walks off the set of The View when she doesn’t like her guest’s opinions; if you aren’t familiar with The View, you perhaps better know it as Breakfast & Menopause.

Bruce Vilanch, T-Shirt Connoisseur

But if you’re familiar with my blog, my opinion rarely matters. So instead of trying to decipher DWTS’ massive popularity, I’m going to handicap the 12-“star” (this marks the end of ironic quotation marks for this post because, really, it could be unending) field. I’m not going to stop this show from steamrolling primetime competition, so I may as well tag along for the ride.

Fun fact about me: my goal is to move to Las Vegas and become a successful bookie and rise through the gambling underground a la Robert De Niro in Casino. And though I would prefer if my car didn’t blow up upon ignition, it might happen anyway, given that I drive a 1996 Corolla.

On to some odds for the field.* All information gathered on contestants will be gathered from ABC’s official DWTS website.

*it should be noted I’ve watched about 15 minutes total in DWTS’ first 12 seasons

Carson Kressley

For men that might not remember, Kressley helped spearhead your brief venture into metrosexuality with Bravo’s Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (he was the fashion expert and designated leader of the group). And don’t pretend you didn’t watch it, because you did. I thought the show should have been on Discovery Channel; I took notes and everything. Yeah, I might like sports, but that shouldn’t preclude me from using a nice hair conditioner.

Currently, Kressley is hosting Carson-Nation on OWN, a show in which Carson travels to small towns (read “Midwest”) and “transforms lives one person at a time” (read “exploits their slob-ness for a decent hour of mindless filler TV programming”).

Carson’s dance partner is Anna Trebunskaya, a name that makes her sound hot in that Iron Curtain, Romanian gymnast-y sort of way. Judging from a credible user comment on ABC’s website, there has been an outcry that Kressley has to dance with a woman; the commenter is asking why this is so in an outraged sort of way (lots of capital letters, exclamation points, rhetorical questions, etc). Allow me to answer in one sentence: because Disney isn’t effing stupid and they know that Kressley dancing with a dude will wipe out a huge chunk of viewership, especially since this is marketed as wholesome family TV.

Odds of sleeping with dance partner: 10,000,000 to 1

Odds of looking fabulous while dancing: Even

Chaz Bono

“If you just know him as the only child of famed entertainers Sonny and Cher, then you don't know Chaz Bono!”

That quote is taken directly from ABC. I wish the guy who wrote it hated his job, was intent on being fired, and added “He also used to be a She and really wants a penis!” It would have been taken down within minutes, but the screenshot would provide me a desktop wallpaper for a lifetime.

The bio also mentions that Chaz has served as Entertainment Media Director for GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) and currently works as an LGBT advocate in different facets.

Chaz’ partner is Lacey Schwimmer. We should all have a moment of silence for Schwimmer because she is going to brush against Chaz’ neck beard. I’m not even being defamatory; it’s a nasty beard. Chaz needs dude practice. 

Chaz Bono, getting some fresh air outside the trailer park

Odds Lacy Schwimmer got really pissed off, cried for an hour, then had a massive Sunset Blvd bender after hearing she had to dance with Chaz: 1 to 3

Odds Schwimmer will be GLAAD when they are inevitably eliminated: 1 to 100

Chynna Phillips

Uh, sorry, I got nothing. I mean, she was in Caddyshack II. There’s probably a joke somewhere in that.

Odds of victory: 5 to 1, I guess

Odds of me literally just now learning this person existed: (collecting winnings)

David Arquette

Arquette used to be famous for his own work. Scream was a smash hit in the 90s and helped to usher comedy/horror hybrids mainstream (yes horror nerds, I know Raimi and Romero did too). 

But now Arquette is really more famous for marrying Monica from that one show, The One Where it Hasn’t Held up That Well since It Ended. Arquette is even a producer for his wife’s show, Cougar Town, which I thought was cancelled 5 years ago despite only entering its 3^rd season. It must be odd for Arquette to be involved with a show where his wife is messing around with guys that are still actors. You think he gets jealous? I think he gets jealous.

Odds he and Monica get a divorce: 25 to 1 

(9/20/2011) - so it was pointed out to me that the Arquettes have been divorced for like a year. That's what I get for not doing any research (but cut me some slack I'm doing this for free). Also, if you would have dropped $100 on this prop last year, you would have taken home a cool $2500. Sage advice in this post.


Elisabetta Canalis

Model featured on covers for Vogue, GQ, and Cosmopolitan, amongst others. “Guys making fun of Cosmo” is a more than played out but still sometimes reaches hilarious levels of sexism (“97 Ways to be Quiet and Make Dinner”**). But if a guy tells you he isn’t curious as to the contents of that tantalizing cover story, he’s lying. We might brush it aside and trivialize it as Silly Girl Stuff, when in reality we think that inside those perfume soaked pages, the secret to female knowledge will be unlocked.

**By the way I’m engaged now so I may or may not get to say stuff like this. Chris Rock does a funny bit about white people claiming they aren’t racist because they have a black President. This is a similar vein I imagine.

The Airbrushers did their best at least

As for Canalis, her filmography consists of Deuce Bigalow 2 and something called Virgin Territory (before you get excited, it stars Hayden Christensen; save some dignity and log out of Netflix now). But hey, she’s on Leverage! Anyone? You know, TNT, they know drama?

Odds of victory: 50 to 1, severely reduced because Rob Schneider infected her with Lackoftalentitis

Hope Solo

I’m not gonna lie: I was crushing on Hope big time this summer during the United States’ runner-up finish at the World Cup . The problem is I don’t know if she is genuinely attractive, or only appears so because she was surrounded by 20 Amazons on the pitch all summer (Don’t you hate when Americans refer to soccer fields as “the pitch?” Me too, but I love doing it because it makes me feel elitist). Either way, Hope is not ugly, so I will root for her.

From what I’ve heard, athletes tend to do well on this program. It makes sense. Dancing, and the training necessary to succeed at it, is tiring and athletic in nature. Thus, athletes are naturally inclined to perform better than those that may loathe physical exertion (sorry Chaz).

As a result of the athlete influx on the show, ESPN thinks that its largely male audience cares about DWTS results. We don’t. I understand ABC and ESPN are sister networks and that Disney is the king of self-promotion, but breaking down DWTS on Pardon the Interruption isn’t gaining any viewers. If anything, it’s alienating ESPN’s target audience.

Odds of victory with an athletic upper hand: 10 to 1

Odds of losing to a Japanese contestant: 2 to 1

J.R. Martinez

Martinez is an Iraq war veteran who, in 2003 at the age of 19, suffered severe burns on 40% of his body after the Humvee he was driving ran over a landmine.

Since, he has worked as a motivational speaker, helping other burn victims cope with their injuries. He currently stars on soap-opera All My Children.

Odds of me making a joke in this section: unlisted

Kristen Cavallari

Now we move on to someone I wish J.R. Martinez traded places with. Cavallari is best known for her role on MTV’s hit “reality” (ok, this is really the last appearance of ironic quotation marks) show The Hills. In recent news, Chicago Bears QB (and fellow drama queen) Jay Cutler called off his engagement to Cavallari, possibly because she thought a sack was a bag of gadgets and fancy lotions you get for being onstage at the Teen Choice Awards for 45 seconds.

The funniest portion of her ABC bio occurs when her film and TV credits are listed. The last entry states that “most recently, she got some laughs on ABC's The Middle.” The “some” part is awesome. Even the corporate tool writing her bio can’t deceive the audience any further. “Yeah, people may have laughed, but it was more in spite of your presence. By the way, what’s The Middle?”

The bio also notes that Cavallari is into humanitarian work now, or at least her publicist tells her she’s into humanitarian work. In 2010, she travelled to El Salvador to help rebuild schools for underprivileged kids, which is great until you realize that instead of staying here, she probably stayed here. Nothing like using the plight of others as an excuse for a Latin vacation.

Odds of her going away: 0 to 1

Nancy Grace

When Chaz Bono decided he wanted to be a man, Nancy Grace was probably the man he had in mind.

Everyone’s favorite vigilante, Grace is known for confrontational arguments with TV guests and whipping minorities during commercial breaks. Grace rose to fame with her bestselling book Objection!, a title that sounds like something an 8-year-old John Grisham would write. In her leisure time, Grace makes her husband, David Linch, wish he was Keith Griffin***.

*** Too soon?

Odds of dedicating a possible victory to Casey Anthony: Solomon’s riches to 1

Odds of her head exploding Cronenberg-style onstage because she’s still pissed Casey Anthony was found not guilty: 15 to 1

I chose this image from Scanners because the blood makes this guy look like Sideshow Bob

Ricki Lake

What, did Sally Jessy Raphael have a prior engagement?

Odds of Hairspray being mentioned every time she dances: 12 to 1

Odds that the “worldwide fan base” her bio speaks of is exaggerated: 1 to 5

Rob Kardashian

I think that on Keeping up with the Kardashian Jenners, Rob is sort of a sympathetic figure. I mean, would YOU want to live with the Sister Triumvirate of Kourtney, Khloe, and Kim? Well I would because I’m a pervert, but a normal person might get cabin fever, a condition unheard of in a 15 bedroom mansion.

Yeah he was born with the silver-est of spoons, but what if a life of celebrity isn’t something he wanted. Now he doesn’t have a choice; all his siblings are becoming genuine worldwide icons (as opposed to Ricki Lake’s version of worldwide icon). Though he is undoubtedly enjoying his life of riches, he could have had that life without the pressure of carving a creative niche for himself, like his sisters so seamlessly did with their fashion lines**** and innate sex appeal (except Khloe).

**** Speaking of, the Triumvirate has a clothing line at Sears now. Because the Sears in Calabasas, CA has been clamoring for a Kardashian line.

Or maybe Rob is just a douche like the rest of the family. Don’t say I didn’t try to defend him, though.

Odds a Kardashian or Jenner has been inside a Sears: LOL to 1

Ron Artest

In recent weeks, Artest officially changed his name to Metta World Peace, thereby confirming he is insane. Although it is fair to point out that was probably the case when he charged into the stands to beat up a fan in what became known as the Malice at the Palace (for the Palace at Auburn Hills, the arena where the Detroit Pistons play in front of dozens of fans each game). 

Artest attacking a guy doing his best Mr. Bill impression

In the years following the Palace brawl, Artest has rejuvenated his career and become a lovable jester. He took a pay cut to come play for the Lakers, a move to come to a winning franchise as much as it was to become a Hollywood icon. He slid easily into both lifestyles. Though often struggling on the court, he was the best player for either team when it counted most, in Game 7 of the 2010 NBA Finals against the Celtics. Even though he scared the piss out of Lakers fans (I can vouch) whenever he touched the ball, he made the shot that sealed the 2010 championship with an ill-advised three-pointer that went down.

 After winning the title, Artest held a beloved and endearing press conference where he thanked his therapist. He auctioned off his championship ring and gave the proceeds to mental health services.

He’s eccentric, no doubt, but damn is he entertaining. I don’t watch DWTS and won’t this season, but for people that enjoy it, Artest and the others on this list provide exactly what they’re looking for: pure escapist entertainment. And in a way, Artest represents a key motif of the show, that being trying to recapture past glory, glory he lost with the brawl but regained with the Lakers. And if the proceeds go to charity, then let the pseudo-stars have an extra 15 minutes of unearned celebrity.

I just hope nobody throws a cup at Artest.

Odds of Artest punching Tom Bergeron for a good laugh: 8 to 1

Odds of me doing a Season 14 preview: Even

How Katy Perry is Taking Over the World, One Teenage Dream at a Time

About 4 weeks ago*, pop singer Katy Perry’s single “Last Friday Night” hit #1 on the charts; it was the fifth single off her Teenage Dream album to reach #1 (the others: “California Gurls,” “Teenage Dream,” “Firework,” “E.T.”). This is significant because she became the first female and second artist overall (Michael Jackson’s Bad) to accomplish this feat.

*no, this post isn’t going to be an exercise in timeliness

Anyone else craving cotton candy?

If you have a pulse, then you know who Katy Perry is or have at least heard one of the aforementioned Teenage Dream songs. Or if you haven’t heard any of those songs, then your church undoubtedly held an emergency meeting once “I Kissed a Girl” was released in 2008, the song that launched her to instant superstardom (say whatever you want about Perry, but this was a genius selection for a debut single; credit to the producers).

One of the ironies of Perry in general and “I Kissed a Girl” in particular is that this success was after she released a gospel rock album in 2001, the self-titled Katy Hudson (she later changed her name to Katy Perry). Several short years after performing songs like “Faith Won’t Fail,“ she’s declaring that she kissed a girl and, indeed, she liked it.

Whether or not Perry is still a God-fearing person is almost irrelevant in her development as global icon. She saw the allure of fame, and she figured she had a better chance at achieving fame if she ditched her dogmatic ideals. One can almost imagine a young Perry –er – Hudson, flicking on TRL (Carson Daly!) in the late 90s or early 2000s and seeing pop icons like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera making boat loads of cash definitely not singing about God.

And to say nothing against religion, the idea of God isn’t exactly appealing to most teenagers. That is, religious teachings may be important to them, but it likely isn’t consuming much of their thought.

Which is why Perry’s ascendance shouldn’t be a shock. She has skillfully crafted herself as this “party girl” that married admitted sex addict Russell Brand. Meanwhile, her songs have strategically sold various lifestyles to her young, adoring audience. It’s no surprise that much of the content in the five #1 singles off the Teenage Dream album are essentially well formulated fantasies. True, they’re catchy fantasies (“Firework” is stuck in my head as I write this), but lots of artists have been catchy and not achieved the success Perry has on this one album. For a hand selected sample, Bruce Springsteen is one of the most beloved artists of all time, and he has NEVER had a #1 single (though he did write “Blinded by the Light,” a song that reached #1 in 1977 when covered by Manfred Mann’s Earth Band, probably because people kept requesting it to try to decipher if the chorus really did say “wrapped up like a douche”**).

**it doesn’t: “Blinded by the light, / revved up like a deuce, / another runner in the night”

***

The California girl motif isn’t exactly a new one in pop music. The Beach Boys released “California Girls” in 1965 and, like Perry’s misspelled version, the song attained great success, peaking at #3 on the charts. Yet, while the Boys may have been more subtle using sexual imagery, Perry is not. But lyrics like “we’ll melt your popsicle” and “we freak in my jeep,” as well as the cameo appearance by noted feminist Snoop Dogg, aren’t present to degrade women. That’s the lazy argument. Instead, they present a world in which women hold power over men through shear sex appeal. What teenage girl wouldn’t find that desireable? Even the video, a bright colored Candy Land universe, featuring a blue-haired Perry spraying, um, whip cream out of her, um, blouse, grabs your attention and makes you think “well maybe California girls are sexier after all” (whatever that means). If you’re a girl from California, the song reaffirms your dominance and for that you appreciate Perry. If you’re not from California but you want to learn how to feel sexy, then Perry can teach you how.

While “California Gurls” plays up the sexy angle, “Teenage Dream” plays up the plain angle. The song kicks off with the female speaker claiming “You think I’m pretty, without any makeup on / You think I’m funny when I tell the punch line wrong ,” giving hope to any girls that may have felt ugly and that “California Gurls” is only for the beautiful. The song is also of the same mold as the Twilight series, a series that has gained ridiculous popularity amongst young women not for vampire mythology, but because Edward Cullen is dreamy AND he cares about Bella. The notion that he isn’t human suggests that he isn’t attainable; since real men are a-holes, then retreating to the books/movies is the only way to have your dream man.

"I'm like complicated and stuff"

As “Teenage Dream” progresses, we learn that the speaker and Perfect Fictional Man X are off to have sexy time at some motel. A line in the chorus reads “You make me feel like I’m living a teenage dream / The way you turn me on,” a line that would make any father to a teenage daughter cringe. So Perry is establishing sex as important to teenagers. Ok, fine, but the speaker seems equally concerned that “now every February you’ll be my Valentine, Valentine,” an idea so important that Perry wisely and subliminally utters the word twice. So not only is Perfect Fictional Man X amazing in bed (a concept most younger teenage girls cannot even grasp, making the mystery of it only that much more appealing), but he’ll also remember to buy his girlfriend chocolates on Valentine’s Day. And unlike “California Gurls,” Perry doesn’t describe any “desirable” female features or bikinis, making the song more attainable to all teenage girls (“maybe he won’t care how I look!”). No, Perfect Fictional Man X exists for listeners, and to be reminded of him at all times, he costs only $1.29 on iTunes.

It might be fair to imagine one of those teenage girls that admired Katy Perry is Rebecca Black. Similar to Perry being inspired by pop singers of a decade ago, Black (and I’m totally theorizing) probably listened to Perry and wanted the fame, attention, and lifestyle of Perry. The result was the viral hit “Friday,” Black’s disastrous masterpiece about a young girl that likes cereal, is confused by front/rear seat car upholstery, and wants to hang out with her friiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnds.

Perry’s “Last Friday Night,” the single that tied her with MJ, is another entry in the “look how fun my lifestyle is” department. It’s also her most self-referential music video, in the sense that it is about a misfit girl (named Kathy, played by Perry) that during the song has a crazy Friday night***, as if Perry’s music spurs Kathy’s newfound popularity. Rebecca Black makes a cameo in the video, and her role is to accept Kathy (adorned with goggle glasses and orthodontic head ware so grotesque only Lisa Simpson can understand the suffering of wearing them) and give her a makeover so that she will become popular. And while Black is accepting the Perry-played Kathy, the same thing is taking place off-camera, as Perry has invited Black literally to be in the music video, but also more subtly drawing her into her music. Like Black, listeners are sucked into Perry’s music.

***And damn is it crazy. Her uncle is Kenny G, her dad is Corey Feldman, and Hanson is playing on her front lawn. Yeah, THAT Hanson. And the video is 8 minutes long! And I watched the entire thing! It’s really quite awful…I’ll post it below:

When comparing Perry’s songs to Michael Jackson’s songs on a simplistic level, it’s interesting to note that while Perry is selling fiction to her audiences, and thus creating a dialogue where she is talking at her listeners, Jackson is much more introspective. This is evident even when you just gloss at the song titles that reached #1 off the Bad album: “I Just Can’t Loving You, “Bad” (featuring the refrain “I’m bad”), “The Way You Make Me Feel,” “Man in the Mirror” (i.e., Jackson), and “Dirty Diana” (ok doesn’t really work but you get the point).

But Perry isn’t concerned with thinking about herself, at least in terms of her music. Nor does she want her audience to think about themselves as they currently are. Rather, she wants her audience to think about what they aren’t, and then provide them with a haven in which they can explore their fantasies. The fantasies Perry is selling may be cliché, like Friday night popularity, Valentine’s Day plans, and being attractive. But just because they’re cliché doesn’t mean they aren’t fantasies that teenagers are obsessed with. And if you don’t believe me, try to remember when you were in high school.

Scoreboard Watching

If you’re a baseball fan right now, you’re in 1 of 3 emotional stages. You may be disappointed with how your favorite team’s season went but you are no longer depressed; apathy rules within you and you will just wait out the season and hope for the best next year. On the opposite end of that spectrum, you are a fan of an elite team that is cruising towards the playoffs (Phillies, Brewers, Red Sox, Yankees). You still tune in because it’s fun to watch them kick ass but you aren’t too worried if they win or lose. Right now, it’s all about staying healthy for the postseason.

Right in the middle of these two groups of fans at peace is the maniacal, live-or-die world of pennant races. Though you cared in April, the games now are magnified and your emotional well-being hangs on every pitch, every swing, every degree Fernando Rodney’s cap is off center, every flailing Adam Dunn swing. 

It is a time for complete irrationality for baseball fans. If your team is currently in a race to make the playoffs, you are likely well aware of the toils of scoreboard watching. Unlike other sports leagues (notably the NBA and NHL where over half of the teams make the playoffs), reaching the MLB postseason is an accomplishment in itself. Also unlike other sports, any team that makes the playoffs can get hot and win the World Series (just ask the 2006 Cardinals and 2010 Giants). The best team rarely wins the World Series. But to have a shot at October glory, a team first has to make the playoffs, which is no easy feat.

Therefore, baseball fans will often simultaneously monitor their favorite team as well as well as the team their favorite team is battling for division supremacy. In order to help, I’ve created a list of ways to help you efficiently Scoreboard Watch as well as point out what it and isn’t acceptable.

For the sake of ease, I will write this from the perspective of an Angels fan. As of writing this, the Angels sit 4.5 games behind the first place Texas Rangers, not an ideal position but also not an insurmountable deficit.

#1 – During a pennant chase, friends and family are more or less irrelevant

By this, I mean it is OK to ignore your loved ones in favor of watching a crucial game. Family is overrated anyway, right? Remember that time Adam Kennedy hit 3 home runs to send the Angels to the World Series? Pretty exciting stuff. What has your family done? Supported you and gave you the tools necessary to succeed in life. Boring!

If your team makes the playoffs, it will provide you with a lifetime full of memories you will cherish. Well maybe just until next season. Yeah, so what if you guys won the World Series, what have you done for me lately!? Bums!

#2 – During a pennant chase, significant others are more or less irrelevant

Similar to #1, just more specific. Ideally, you want to find a girl (remember, my perspective) that likes baseball, or at least can tolerate it (but not some beefcake girl that can name the Game 7 lineup for the 1985 Royals while beating you in an arm wrestling match). But even if a girl says she likes baseball, she still doesn’t understand the full ramifications of what that means.

Guys LIKE baseball. Girls like going to games and dancing to get onto the JumboTron and checking out the hot players wearing tight pants. The outcome of the game isn’t life or death. But to the superior, more intelligent gender, there is absolutely nothing more important than vicariously living through 18 millionaires throw a ball, swing a piece of wood, and run. That’s why guys are better. We just get it.

Every guy knows how to tune out a chatty girlfriend. Usually, a well placed “oh really” and “yeah?” are enough to keep a guy from getting in trouble. The girl is satisfied as well because she doesn’t have to breathe for 10 minutes (I’ve learned this is how women survive). But when the playoffs are on the line, the guy has to be more forceful. I can’t be bothered hearing about your “promotion” or “second thoughts about our relationship” when the bases are loaded.

So if you’re watching the game at home and your significant other starts talking, I find it effective to say something along the lines of “you know, can this wait? I really don’t care.” She’ll get the hint. Now, it’s possible that she may be upset about this for whatever reason, which is ridiculous since she was the one that started talking and she knows Talking Hours are 5 minutes before first pitch and 5 minutes after the final out. If it was a game against the Orioles in May and you decided to give her some extra talk time during the game, that’s totally your call. But during the pennant chase, that’s rude of her to interrupt.

If you live with your significant other, this could result in you sleeping on the couch (totally unreasonable on her part but a possibility). While this may seem like punishment, this in reality is an awesome perk. Now, you can watch the game replay or watch the same highlights on SportsCenter for the next 8 hours. If you’re lucky, the Baseball Tonight crew will quit giving sexual favors to the Yankees and Red Sox for just long enough to talk about the Angels.

#3 – Don’t be shy to utilize your phone’s entire battery reserves

#3 can also be connected to the first two tips, since it is probably the most effective method of ignoring others.

Your phone has several hours of battery power…don’t be afraid to use it all. If you find yourself out in public during an important game, simply keep track of the pertinent games on your phone. ESPN Gamecast can be an effective method. It’s likely that seeing pitch descriptions like “in play, out(s) recorded” is more riveting than whatever company you’re keeping. Great Grandma will have another 100th birthday party next year anyway. 

This Gamecast must be fake if it has the Angels beating the Red Sox

 If you’re fortunate enough to be at a game, still feel free to use your phone to track out-of-town scores. We all know that scoreboard on the right field wall isn’t updated quickly enough. It’s probably some high school dropout pressing buttons anyway. Do they even know how to count? Better not risk it. Knowing the 1^st inning score 30 seconds earlier is worth it. Your ignored company will understand.

Another phone benefit is it works as your very own replay booth. All you need is someone watching at home. At Angel Stadium, if there is a controversial call, they never show it on the JumboTron, probably because they don’t want to rile up the Orange County fans and cause them to accidentally spill red wine and foie gras on their Ed Hardy T-shirts. If it looks like a ball down the line was fair but the umpire calls foul, angrily text your scout and ask them what TV replay says. I find that texting “FAIR OR FOUL?!?!?!?!” does a nice job or relaying your exasperation. This won’t change the call and your knowledge of a blown call will likely only piss you off, but now at least you can shout at the ump from the upper deck and tell him how you feel. That’ll teach him.

 - "Baseball season!" - "Duck Season!" - "Baseball season!" - "Duck season!"

#4 – Expect the impossible…and be pissed when it doesn’t happen

Yeah the Rangers may be playing the Royals. Yeah Bruce Chen may be pitching against them, and yeah he may be one of the worst pitchers of the last decade. But dammit, why can’t he throw a no-hitter today? It’s baseball, anything can happen.

While following said Rangers-Royals game, it is perfectly acceptable to get overly excited if Jeff Francouer hits a solo home run in the 2^nd inning to put the Royals up 1-0 (a big if, but remember, dream big). They’re a big league team they know how to play (unless they’re name is Luke Hochevar). It’s also acceptable to throw a temper tantrum when the Rangers score 8 runs off Chen in the bottom of the 2^nd. I thought that lead would hold!

Cut from similar cloth, it’s reasonable to expect the Angels to go undefeated over the last 6 weeks of the season. Each day is important. Whenever Texas loses to the Royals (and damn Abner Doubleday in his grave if they don’t!) the Angels must win to gain ground. If the Angels lose then they just wasted another chance to gain ground. Taking 2 of 3 games each series is loser talk. That loss represents one step closer to a long nihilism-filled winter.

#5 – Don’t be ashamed to root for Satan

Satan’s spawn rather, that being the Red Sox and Yankees.

If either of these teams play the Rangers, don’t feel bad rooting for them. They’re both going to make the playoffs anyway so rooting against them is pointless.

And when the Yankees get to the playoffs, it’s not like they’re a threat. I mean, have you seen their pitching staff? C.C. Sabathia is a legitimate ace, but Bartolo Colon (!) will start a playoff game. And who is going to start Game 3 (this is assuming the mound hasn’t been flattened after trying to support Sabtahia and Colon two consecutive nights)? A.J. “Next Year I’m Going to Make As Much Money As Jered Weaver, Even Though I Pitch More Like Jeff” Burnett?

Witty remark not required

 Even under the wild assumption that anyone other than Sabathia is going to force outs, who’s going to catch the ball behind them? Derek Jeter’s Hoveround can only move so fast and A-Rod prefers to only bend over when injecting a syringe into his ass.

One thing working for the Yankees is the short porch in right field, which makes Yankee Stadium look like a joke. Oh yeah, real prolific offense you guys have with Granderson and Teixeira hitting pop ups for home runs. I’ve seen bigger dimensions at a local softball league. Though I’m sure Sabathia wouldn’t mind if there was a keg at the mound and every base (A-Rod would prefer if there was a cocaine-riddled poker game at 3^rd base).

The Red Sox are a little tougher to root for because they’re, ya know, built to succeed in the playoffs. And like the Yankees they play in a stadium that could probably host the Little League World Series. And like the Yankees their fans are obnoxious and stupid (“how much for an obstructed view seat? Fak yah I’ll go! Go Sawx!”) and think that because their teams have been around for 100 years and won the majority of their World Series titles before black people were allowed to play and when you only had to beat like 8 teams to win, their teams are full of “tradition” and “history” (back in the day, winning the World Series meant you had the only fat, drunk, Irish immigrant on the field that could make contact with the ball after the previous night’s bender).

Yeah, it might feel dirty to root for Josh Beckett’s seaweed necklace and Kevin Euclis (source: Lewis, Michael, Moneyball. 2003, officially dated in 2005), but remember that the key is your team makes the playoffs.

The Rangers play the Red Sox 7 times in the next couple weeks. You’re a fool if you don’t think I’m rooting for the Red Sox. I’ve put too much emotional investment into the Angels for them to not make the playoffs. If they don’t make it I don’t really see the point in living. It will be a cold, remorse filled life. I might start studying Nietzche, or begin a quest to search for the meaning of life and why bad things happen to good people.

Or I could just wait until next season. I never really thought the Angels would do much this season anyway.