YEEHAW!

Mike Napoli celebrating a home run with Adrian Beltre and Mitch Moreland

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) -- Texas Rangers catcher Mike Napoli hit 4 home runs, including the game winning Grand Slam in the 9^th inning, to lead the Rangers to their first World Series Championship over the St. Louis Cardinals in Game 7 with a 9-8 victory.

The Cardinals were one strike away from claiming their first title since 2006. In the top of the 9^th, Napoli hit a 3-2 “fastball” off of Tony La Russa to deep centerfield. Estimations have listed that the ball traveled 800 feet.

When asked to comment on the prodigious home run, Cardinals hitting coach Mark McGwire said “Meh. Try doing that when you have acne covering your back. Not comfortable.”

“It’s the greatest feeling in the world,” said an exuberant Napoli. “Ya know, last year I never thought I would be in a position to use my talents and help my team win a World Series. It really helped this year getting a chance to play.”

Napoli was referring to his 2010 season with the Los Angeles Angels, where he was often benched in favor of Jeff Mathis, who suffers from a rare and serious condition in which he falls into a coma for 3 hours at a time, usually from April-September starting around 7:05pm each night.

“I just want to thank the Rangers for acquiring me last winter…and also my neck beard. Yeah, I mostly want to thank my neck beard,” said Napoli just before cracking open a Pabst Blue Ribbon and shooting an elk with his hunting rifle, a longstanding tradition for Texas teams celebrating a championship.

Cardinals manager Tony La Russa put himself into a bind in this game with an odd choice of strategy. To try to combat Napoli’s torrid production in the series, La Russa decided he would use his patented bullpen wizardry against the Texas slugger by inserting a new relief pitcher into the game for each pitch.

“I thought this tactic might really confuse Napoli. He’s just such a great hitter that you want to try to keep him off-balance as much as possible,” said La Russa. “Unfortunately he fouled off 10 pitches in the 1st inning, so that really put us in a tough spot.”

With the Cardinals in desperate need of pitching, La Russa decided to insert himself into the game. In what appeared to be a stroke of luck for the Cardinals, former Tampa Bay ace Scott Kazmir was in St. Louis for an Insurance Salesmen Convention. Reports swirled before the game that Scott Kazmir, the former Tampa Bay ace, would be signed to a 1 day contract to pitch for the Cardinals in case they ran out of pitchers. However, La Russa and GM John Mozeliak agreed it was best to just let La Russa pitch if such a situation arose.

“I was a little disappointed,” said Kazmir via phone interview. “I think negotiations broke down during my bullpen session when I killed the Rally Squirrel. It was about 30 feet off the plate, so obviously way too close. Oh well, that’s baseball. By the way, are you covered in case of a flood?”

But the real story of the series was Napoli, the much-maligned catcher with the Angels that blossomed into a star this season with the Rangers, hitting .320 with a .414 on-base percentage and 30 home runs.

“He was berry, berry good,” said Cardinals superstar Albert Pujols, who may have played his last game as a Cardinal since he becomes a free agent in about a week. “I happy I not have to play him next year when I’m on the Cubs. Cubs are berry bad.”

After the Angels dealt Napoli to Toronto in exchange for Vernon Wells, the Blue Jays then sent Napoli to Texas for relief pitcher Frank Francisco.

“We’re thrilled Mike fell into our hands this offseason,” said Rangers CEO Nolan Ryan. “Lemme tell you a little story. See, Toronto didn’t want to trade him. They thought he could 40 home runs there. And I got to figgerin,’ we shouldn’t let an upstanding, white American rot in Canada. It ain’t proper. You been there? It’s terrible. There’s no Texas anywhere. So I sent some of George Dubyas secret service men to waterboard that Greek sumbitch, [Toronto GM] Alex Chickenpita, until he traded Mike to us.”

When asked if Texas missed Frank Francisco’s contributions, Ryan asked “Who the hell is Frank Francisco?”

Former Angels GM Tony Reagins, the man responsible for initially trading away Napoli, declined comment for this story, citing that he needed to be one of the first 100 customers at a Del Taco grand opening in Tustin so that he would receive free Macho burritos for a year.

Angels manager Mike Scioscia was reached for a phone interview and had this statement: “I tip my cap to Mike; I’m very proud of what he did this year. It was clear that when he went to Texas, he began heeding me advice by taking everything one game at a time. I’m also glad to see he worked on his CERA [Catcher’s ERA] skills, because those are clearly the most important skills for a catcher. Pitcher’s are irrelevant to outcomes. Also – oh hold on a second – Jeff! Jeffy! How many times do I have to tell you? If you’re going to walk around the house in lingerie, make sure it’s the one I like. You know, the one with the chest protector and shin guards – oh crap you didn’t hear that did you?”

“It’s all about making the best of your opportunities,” said Napoli. “Sometimes, a fresh environment is all someone needs to succeed. And cocaine. Like, seriously, you wouldn’t believe how much coke [centerfielder Josh Hamilton] and [manager Ron Washington] provide. You can stay up all night taking batting practice with just a few lines.”

Napoli was named World Series MVP. Among the 34 World Series records he set in the Fall Classic, two of the more notable records were his 1.000 on-base percentage and 13 home runs.

Meanwhile, Vernon Wells is still under contract through 2014.