Apples ARE Better Than Rocks: My Hallowen Party Banished List

No plans this weekend? No problem! I’m throwing my first ever Halloween party, and you are likely invited. I say likely because, as long as you don’t fit the below criteria, you are more than welcome. Costumes are encouraged but not mandatory.

(Full disclosure: I’m plagiarizing this idea from myself)

Now, for those banned from my party:

The No’s

Apple People

By apple people, I refer to those homes that dole (fruit reference) out apples and healthy options instead of candy for trick or treating kids. Never mind the obvious problems associated with an early 20s man complaining about the current state of trick or treating but please, indulge me.

Apple People are below Juice Box People but still above Turn Off The Lights And Pretend We’re Not Home Even Though The Neighborhood Can Clearly See The TV Glow Through The Curtains People (unless you are court ordered against doing so, at least leave a candy tray outside*) on the trick or treating hierarchy.

* Tray People are the direct opposite of Apple People because they are every kid’s favorite candy destination. Unless they also have the sign attached to the candy tray that says “Take Only 1 Piece Please,” like they are the morality police. Whatever lady, I was here first, it’s my candy. Tough luck for Spiderman and Harry Potter, they can wait their turn. **Did I mention I’m a college graduate?

** Costume idea for this year: Paula Deen. All you do is eat baked potatoes with extra cheese, sour cream, chives (for fiber), bacon, and, oh, why not chili. Then fry it. And put it in a cake. Do that for a solid month before Halloween; then on the big day, coat your skin in extra-salted Land O’Lakes and you’re good to go (Paula Deen is the OG of Epic Meal Time).

More impressive: the structure or that Paula hasn't eaten it yet?

I assume that Apple People are primarily older community members that genuinely think apples are a treat because during the Depression their apple tree in the backyard sustained life for 4 years. But to kids now, apples are nothing more than the side option you never get with your Happy Meal.

Yet, some Apple People are the minivan moms that want to ensure that their kids have enough energy for soccer practice. “Gee, thanks Mrs. P, but if I wanted an apple and a Kashi bar, I’d just go live at a homeless shelter. I’m totally throwing this at your Honda Odyssey later.”

Give the kid a Snickers and be done with it. Our youth are all headed for diabetes anyway.

William Shatner Look-alikes

Better safe than sorry. (Pardon the German dubbing, though it might make the dialogue better.)

Paranormal Activity sequels

Just when the Saw franchise is ending, we have another Halloween movie franchise tradition. Like the original Saw, the first Paranormal Activity was low-budgeted yet inspired. Overall, just good, suspenseful filmmaking. Then another one came out. And another. Before you know it there will be a 3-D version where you can almost touch the filmmakers mailing it in.

I saw the first one in theaters after all the initial hype, so I went in knowing what to expect and didn’t find it “piss my pants scary” like some claimed. But I still enjoyed it and was riveted for the duration. Much of its success (for me anyway) though, was predicated on being fresh and proving that you don’t need a ton of money to make a great genre film (like Clerks). But I can’t force myself to sit through sequels that undoubtedly have higher budgets, resulting in a lost charm of sorts.

And while the original didn’t terrify me, I was still admittedly scared at some parts. But I imagine much of that is lost with the sequels. How often can a swinging door or malfunctioning TV be scary, ya know?

The X Factor

If Simon Cowell’s t-shirts were any tighter, they might squeeze out his buried career past, the one where he endorsed such prestigious acts as the Teletubbies and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. And Ruben Studdard.

“Sexy” Costumes

One of Halloween’s clichés is that it gives girls a chance to justify slutting it up once a year. And it’s a totally valid cliché, because all girls dress like sluts. But I’m not here to complain about THAT. Many of the costumes are indeed effective. Sexy pirate? Sure, why not. Sexy zombie? I imagine it’s like hooking up with a Quaalude-induced Lindsay Lohan, but ok.*** Sexy librarian? If you have a thing for glasses (me) and pretending to be knowledgeable about literature (me again), yep.

***If Hugh Hefner is showing any signs of aging, the most notable one is that Lohan is going to be in “Playboy.” Shudder.

But the slutty costumes that disturb me are things like Sexy Nun and Sexy Nurse (there’s something psychological to be said that these tropes are found attractive by men, especially when they are figures that aid those in need of healing, be it spiritual or physical; there’s a college paper idea if you need one Anonymous College Student follower of mine).

Maybe since I don’t go to the doctor’s office enough I haven’t had enough time to develop the proper fantasy regarding nurses (zombie outbreak outside, only you and the nurse who for some reason looks exactly like Brooklyn Decker remain, Earth needs more people, yada yada yada annnnnnnnnd SCENE!), but my interaction with them is always nothing more than awkward pleasantries which are more awkward because she is currently looking at my entire medical history (but if an asthmatic childhood is her thing, then we might be on to something). Also, because I know nothing about medical practices, I always have a mini freak out before I get a shot or have blood drawn because I’m worried the nurse forgot to flick the needle. Would that even kill me if she didn’t? Probably not. Furthermore, they’re never wearing sexy nurse skirts, but dull blue scrubs, which sucks the life out of those that just look at them. 

Even the zombies don't want her for her brains

 And nuns remind me of old ladies. If you were dating a nun, your night would most likely consist of BINGO and apple sauce spooning. The most attractive nun I can think of is Julie Andrews from The Sound of Music, and she’s just ok. Plus, she played a maid in Mary Poppins, another sexy Halloween trope.****

**** Although a spoon full of sugar might be different from a sexy maid, AMIRITE?!  No? Ok, let’s move on.

The last one I’ll mention is Sexy School Girl, which is really just legalized To Catch a Predator. Men are weird.

Egg Throwers

Good luck on the GED test next week.

Large Rabbits

Better safe than sorry.

Jack-o-Lanterns

An odd tradition. With no other vegetation do we feel the need to gut and carve funny faces into. Also a lot of work for something that’s going to rot in 48 hours (or smashed on your lawn by people that should be studying for the GED). And why do carved pumpkins only have a couple teeth? I realize for pumpkins in Arkansas this is perfectly accurate, but why can’t California pumpkins be blessed with a nice set of pearly oranges? It’s a terrifying and racist trend to assume that all pumpkins lack proper dental hygiene. 

Just because I think it's funny

For the artistically uninclined, carving pumpkins is just another tradition that proves how inept you are at crafts. For kids that sucked at art (like me), any holiday is a drag. And the teachers always treat it like it’s some sort of learning disability. Yeah, so what if I can’t make an effing snowflake, I’ve NEVER BEEN IN THE SNOW, LADY, it’s Los Angeles; also, these paper snowflakes are probably a million times larger than a regular snowflake; get your scale straight Miss Hoover.

Having kids make crafts is a lot of pressure. The girls love it because then they get to bedazzle the hell out of their projects with the glitter buried deep in their Nordstrom’s pencil box (the perils of going to private school). Some of the boys like it, but it’s always the ones that play tether ball and are probably way too good at it. But for me and the rest of my ilk, it’s brutal. “Now class, make something nice for your mom for Mother’s Day.” And as you’re making your paper mache heart that looks more like something out of Gray’s Anatomy (the book) than you intended, you realize it’s an atrocity but like hell if you’re starting over because you don’t want to do it anyway and really your only alternative is drawing a dog that is simply a circle with 4 lines sticking out of it and a happy face while Wendy (she’s such a bitch) is doing her best Van Gogh impression that took her about 7 minutes while you’re still stuck on the circle and the collapsed paper mache heart and then the teacher walks by and forces out her best “Oh…nice job Andrew, your mom is going to love it” even though you know she’s lying but you have to endure and finish the craft (the word “craft” always bothered me too) because you are still too young and stupid to realize that completing assignments in elementary school is more or less pointless.

So yeah, no pumpkins.