"Dancing with the Stars" Season 13 Preview: Where Nancy Grace's Head Explodes

Somehow, tonight is the season premiere of the 13^th season of Dancing with the Stars.

The show consistently dominates ratings and helps prevent ABC from going the way of NBC in terms of network obscurity. But the fact that this show is such a rousing success has always mystified me.

I’ve tried watching it, but find boring. Watching 12 has-beens stumble around in ornate outfits, all hosted by the guy that tried to sell Bruce Villanch and Whoopi Goldberg’s* jokes on Hollywood Squares, doesn’t strike me as an enjoyable hour of TV.

*back when Whoopi was “funny;” now she’s the person that walks off the set of The View when she doesn’t like her guest’s opinions; if you aren’t familiar with The View, you perhaps better know it as Breakfast & Menopause.

Bruce Vilanch, T-Shirt Connoisseur

But if you’re familiar with my blog, my opinion rarely matters. So instead of trying to decipher DWTS’ massive popularity, I’m going to handicap the 12-“star” (this marks the end of ironic quotation marks for this post because, really, it could be unending) field. I’m not going to stop this show from steamrolling primetime competition, so I may as well tag along for the ride.

Fun fact about me: my goal is to move to Las Vegas and become a successful bookie and rise through the gambling underground a la Robert De Niro in Casino. And though I would prefer if my car didn’t blow up upon ignition, it might happen anyway, given that I drive a 1996 Corolla.

On to some odds for the field.* All information gathered on contestants will be gathered from ABC’s official DWTS website.

*it should be noted I’ve watched about 15 minutes total in DWTS’ first 12 seasons

Carson Kressley

For men that might not remember, Kressley helped spearhead your brief venture into metrosexuality with Bravo’s Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (he was the fashion expert and designated leader of the group). And don’t pretend you didn’t watch it, because you did. I thought the show should have been on Discovery Channel; I took notes and everything. Yeah, I might like sports, but that shouldn’t preclude me from using a nice hair conditioner.

Currently, Kressley is hosting Carson-Nation on OWN, a show in which Carson travels to small towns (read “Midwest”) and “transforms lives one person at a time” (read “exploits their slob-ness for a decent hour of mindless filler TV programming”).

Carson’s dance partner is Anna Trebunskaya, a name that makes her sound hot in that Iron Curtain, Romanian gymnast-y sort of way. Judging from a credible user comment on ABC’s website, there has been an outcry that Kressley has to dance with a woman; the commenter is asking why this is so in an outraged sort of way (lots of capital letters, exclamation points, rhetorical questions, etc). Allow me to answer in one sentence: because Disney isn’t effing stupid and they know that Kressley dancing with a dude will wipe out a huge chunk of viewership, especially since this is marketed as wholesome family TV.

Odds of sleeping with dance partner: 10,000,000 to 1

Odds of looking fabulous while dancing: Even

Chaz Bono

“If you just know him as the only child of famed entertainers Sonny and Cher, then you don't know Chaz Bono!”

That quote is taken directly from ABC. I wish the guy who wrote it hated his job, was intent on being fired, and added “He also used to be a She and really wants a penis!” It would have been taken down within minutes, but the screenshot would provide me a desktop wallpaper for a lifetime.

The bio also mentions that Chaz has served as Entertainment Media Director for GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) and currently works as an LGBT advocate in different facets.

Chaz’ partner is Lacey Schwimmer. We should all have a moment of silence for Schwimmer because she is going to brush against Chaz’ neck beard. I’m not even being defamatory; it’s a nasty beard. Chaz needs dude practice. 

Chaz Bono, getting some fresh air outside the trailer park

Odds Lacy Schwimmer got really pissed off, cried for an hour, then had a massive Sunset Blvd bender after hearing she had to dance with Chaz: 1 to 3

Odds Schwimmer will be GLAAD when they are inevitably eliminated: 1 to 100

Chynna Phillips

Uh, sorry, I got nothing. I mean, she was in Caddyshack II. There’s probably a joke somewhere in that.

Odds of victory: 5 to 1, I guess

Odds of me literally just now learning this person existed: (collecting winnings)

David Arquette

Arquette used to be famous for his own work. Scream was a smash hit in the 90s and helped to usher comedy/horror hybrids mainstream (yes horror nerds, I know Raimi and Romero did too). 

But now Arquette is really more famous for marrying Monica from that one show, The One Where it Hasn’t Held up That Well since It Ended. Arquette is even a producer for his wife’s show, Cougar Town, which I thought was cancelled 5 years ago despite only entering its 3^rd season. It must be odd for Arquette to be involved with a show where his wife is messing around with guys that are still actors. You think he gets jealous? I think he gets jealous.

Odds he and Monica get a divorce: 25 to 1 

(9/20/2011) - so it was pointed out to me that the Arquettes have been divorced for like a year. That's what I get for not doing any research (but cut me some slack I'm doing this for free). Also, if you would have dropped $100 on this prop last year, you would have taken home a cool $2500. Sage advice in this post.


Elisabetta Canalis

Model featured on covers for Vogue, GQ, and Cosmopolitan, amongst others. “Guys making fun of Cosmo” is a more than played out but still sometimes reaches hilarious levels of sexism (“97 Ways to be Quiet and Make Dinner”**). But if a guy tells you he isn’t curious as to the contents of that tantalizing cover story, he’s lying. We might brush it aside and trivialize it as Silly Girl Stuff, when in reality we think that inside those perfume soaked pages, the secret to female knowledge will be unlocked.

**By the way I’m engaged now so I may or may not get to say stuff like this. Chris Rock does a funny bit about white people claiming they aren’t racist because they have a black President. This is a similar vein I imagine.

The Airbrushers did their best at least

As for Canalis, her filmography consists of Deuce Bigalow 2 and something called Virgin Territory (before you get excited, it stars Hayden Christensen; save some dignity and log out of Netflix now). But hey, she’s on Leverage! Anyone? You know, TNT, they know drama?

Odds of victory: 50 to 1, severely reduced because Rob Schneider infected her with Lackoftalentitis

Hope Solo

I’m not gonna lie: I was crushing on Hope big time this summer during the United States’ runner-up finish at the World Cup . The problem is I don’t know if she is genuinely attractive, or only appears so because she was surrounded by 20 Amazons on the pitch all summer (Don’t you hate when Americans refer to soccer fields as “the pitch?” Me too, but I love doing it because it makes me feel elitist). Either way, Hope is not ugly, so I will root for her.

From what I’ve heard, athletes tend to do well on this program. It makes sense. Dancing, and the training necessary to succeed at it, is tiring and athletic in nature. Thus, athletes are naturally inclined to perform better than those that may loathe physical exertion (sorry Chaz).

As a result of the athlete influx on the show, ESPN thinks that its largely male audience cares about DWTS results. We don’t. I understand ABC and ESPN are sister networks and that Disney is the king of self-promotion, but breaking down DWTS on Pardon the Interruption isn’t gaining any viewers. If anything, it’s alienating ESPN’s target audience.

Odds of victory with an athletic upper hand: 10 to 1

Odds of losing to a Japanese contestant: 2 to 1

J.R. Martinez

Martinez is an Iraq war veteran who, in 2003 at the age of 19, suffered severe burns on 40% of his body after the Humvee he was driving ran over a landmine.

Since, he has worked as a motivational speaker, helping other burn victims cope with their injuries. He currently stars on soap-opera All My Children.

Odds of me making a joke in this section: unlisted

Kristen Cavallari

Now we move on to someone I wish J.R. Martinez traded places with. Cavallari is best known for her role on MTV’s hit “reality” (ok, this is really the last appearance of ironic quotation marks) show The Hills. In recent news, Chicago Bears QB (and fellow drama queen) Jay Cutler called off his engagement to Cavallari, possibly because she thought a sack was a bag of gadgets and fancy lotions you get for being onstage at the Teen Choice Awards for 45 seconds.

The funniest portion of her ABC bio occurs when her film and TV credits are listed. The last entry states that “most recently, she got some laughs on ABC's The Middle.” The “some” part is awesome. Even the corporate tool writing her bio can’t deceive the audience any further. “Yeah, people may have laughed, but it was more in spite of your presence. By the way, what’s The Middle?”

The bio also notes that Cavallari is into humanitarian work now, or at least her publicist tells her she’s into humanitarian work. In 2010, she travelled to El Salvador to help rebuild schools for underprivileged kids, which is great until you realize that instead of staying here, she probably stayed here. Nothing like using the plight of others as an excuse for a Latin vacation.

Odds of her going away: 0 to 1

Nancy Grace

When Chaz Bono decided he wanted to be a man, Nancy Grace was probably the man he had in mind.

Everyone’s favorite vigilante, Grace is known for confrontational arguments with TV guests and whipping minorities during commercial breaks. Grace rose to fame with her bestselling book Objection!, a title that sounds like something an 8-year-old John Grisham would write. In her leisure time, Grace makes her husband, David Linch, wish he was Keith Griffin***.

*** Too soon?

Odds of dedicating a possible victory to Casey Anthony: Solomon’s riches to 1

Odds of her head exploding Cronenberg-style onstage because she’s still pissed Casey Anthony was found not guilty: 15 to 1

I chose this image from Scanners because the blood makes this guy look like Sideshow Bob

Ricki Lake

What, did Sally Jessy Raphael have a prior engagement?

Odds of Hairspray being mentioned every time she dances: 12 to 1

Odds that the “worldwide fan base” her bio speaks of is exaggerated: 1 to 5

Rob Kardashian

I think that on Keeping up with the Kardashian Jenners, Rob is sort of a sympathetic figure. I mean, would YOU want to live with the Sister Triumvirate of Kourtney, Khloe, and Kim? Well I would because I’m a pervert, but a normal person might get cabin fever, a condition unheard of in a 15 bedroom mansion.

Yeah he was born with the silver-est of spoons, but what if a life of celebrity isn’t something he wanted. Now he doesn’t have a choice; all his siblings are becoming genuine worldwide icons (as opposed to Ricki Lake’s version of worldwide icon). Though he is undoubtedly enjoying his life of riches, he could have had that life without the pressure of carving a creative niche for himself, like his sisters so seamlessly did with their fashion lines**** and innate sex appeal (except Khloe).

**** Speaking of, the Triumvirate has a clothing line at Sears now. Because the Sears in Calabasas, CA has been clamoring for a Kardashian line.

Or maybe Rob is just a douche like the rest of the family. Don’t say I didn’t try to defend him, though.

Odds a Kardashian or Jenner has been inside a Sears: LOL to 1

Ron Artest

In recent weeks, Artest officially changed his name to Metta World Peace, thereby confirming he is insane. Although it is fair to point out that was probably the case when he charged into the stands to beat up a fan in what became known as the Malice at the Palace (for the Palace at Auburn Hills, the arena where the Detroit Pistons play in front of dozens of fans each game). 

Artest attacking a guy doing his best Mr. Bill impression

In the years following the Palace brawl, Artest has rejuvenated his career and become a lovable jester. He took a pay cut to come play for the Lakers, a move to come to a winning franchise as much as it was to become a Hollywood icon. He slid easily into both lifestyles. Though often struggling on the court, he was the best player for either team when it counted most, in Game 7 of the 2010 NBA Finals against the Celtics. Even though he scared the piss out of Lakers fans (I can vouch) whenever he touched the ball, he made the shot that sealed the 2010 championship with an ill-advised three-pointer that went down.

 After winning the title, Artest held a beloved and endearing press conference where he thanked his therapist. He auctioned off his championship ring and gave the proceeds to mental health services.

He’s eccentric, no doubt, but damn is he entertaining. I don’t watch DWTS and won’t this season, but for people that enjoy it, Artest and the others on this list provide exactly what they’re looking for: pure escapist entertainment. And in a way, Artest represents a key motif of the show, that being trying to recapture past glory, glory he lost with the brawl but regained with the Lakers. And if the proceeds go to charity, then let the pseudo-stars have an extra 15 minutes of unearned celebrity.

I just hope nobody throws a cup at Artest.

Odds of Artest punching Tom Bergeron for a good laugh: 8 to 1

Odds of me doing a Season 14 preview: Even