February 13, 2011 was my first post for this blog. Over the past year I’ve pondered if Charlie Sheen is actually a role model of sorts, made Diablo Cody my go-to punch line, listed all the irritating things you’re probably still doing on Facebook, came up with weeklong marathon ideas for cable networks (I’m still holding out hope for Anderson Cooper Pretending to be a Hardcore Journalist Week), impersonated a Yelp reviewer, and turned a fantasy football addiction into 4 NFL playoff posts.
But my favorite post is still the first one. Every time I hear “Grenade” now, I think about that post, often still coming up with better jokes I could have used. I’ve also wondered how Pete* has been this past year. Has he found the true love he yearns for? Has he met the girl of his dreams, one that will spend the necessary 3 hours each morning applying product to his hair?
* In case you didn’t read the first post or don’t remember, Pete is my pet name for Bruno Mars. Read the first few paragraphs of the initial post for clarification.
Alas, it seems that Pete is as crestfallen as ever. I like to think of his most recent hit, “It Will Rain,” as the sequel to “Grenade.” Apparently the girl in that song was impressed by his Navy SEAL-like ability to catch live artillery, and fell in love with Pete. But in “It Will Rain,” Pete cannot hide his emo tendencies because he seems to think that Anonymous Girl That Was Not Exploded By A Grenade wants to leave him.
You’re in luck Pete, because I’m here to help (again; by the way I wanted to post this on the actual anniversary date of my blog...oh well). Below is the music video for “It Will Rain,” in case you haven’t heard the song or just want to see some chick mow through an apple. There’s also like symbolism and shit (The clock ticks backwards?! What could it mean?!):
As you can see in the video, the girl obviously digs him. She finds him more XBOX than Atari, if you will. Then inexplicably Pete walks around his ill-furnished apartment longing for his since-departed girlfriend. And Robert Pattinson shows up. Sure.
Some background: the song is currently #13 on Billboard’s Top 100 (it peaked at #3) and has been on the charts for 20 weeks. It was featured during the Breaking Dawn credits.**
** I mean, that’s what I heard. From somewhere. Might have been The New Yorker. Yeah, that’s it.
“If you ever leave me, baby”
Oh God, here it comes.
“Leave some morphine at my door”
Why not Xanax or Valium? World famous, Grammy winning recording artists that were in LA this past weekend never have problems with those.
“Cause it would take a whole lot of medication / To realize what we used to have”
I’m not an expert on morphine or anything, but I think there’s a more effective medication for memory enhancement. Wash it down with some prune juice and you’re good to go.
“We don't have it anymore.”
Ok, so if you haven’t noticed by now, Pete is completely conjecturing this breakup. The song is based on the flimsy premise that he doesn’t want his hot girlfriend (in all likelihood) to leave him when we can’t even assume that she intends to; it’s ridiculous that anybody would sympathize with this.
But Pete, one reason Smoking Hot Girlfriend X might leave you is because you’re putting morphine on the Whole Foods shopping list. “Hey baby, while you’re at the store could you pick up some soy milk, those apples you like, and some morphine….yeah, morphine….oh, just taking precautions….when you get home do you want to listen to Enya and paint our feelings?”
“There's no religion that could save me”
If you’re interested, I’ve had relatives that found the Church of Christ’s Hair Care very comforting in times of distress.
“No matter how long my knees are on the floor”
By floor, he means assistants.
“oh”
Oh? Please, do tell.
“So keep in mind all the sacrifices I'm making / To keep you by my side / And keep you from walking out the door.”
“So what if I like shopping at thrift stores?”
“Cause there'll be no sunlight / if I lose you, baby”
“Checking in now on Live Broody Watch 7000, you’ll see that even though it is a gorgeous day here in Los Angeles this afternoon, there is a singular cloak of darkness hovering above the café in Silver Lake where Bruno Mars is eating lunch. But don’t be alarmed folks, this tends to happen just about every Thursday. In fact, the Live Broody Watch 7000 is willing to predict that the darkness front you see there will find its way onto the Billboard charts in about 5 weeks.”
“There'll be no clear skies / if I lose you, baby”
That’s what happens when you buy a vacation home in Seattle. Jeez, Kurt Cobain was from there and he was a happy-go-lucky guy.
“Just like the clouds, / my eyes will do the same if you walk away”
Get burned off by the sun?
“Everyday, it will rain, / rain, rain”
“Whoa buddy, not all of us precipitate. That’s ignorant.”
- Cirrus Cloud
“I'll never be your mother's favorite”
Remember that time you made fun of meatloaf night? That’s why.
“Your daddy can't even look me in the eye”
Well yeah because the brim of your hat is too low.
“Oooh if I was in their shoes, I'd be doing the same thing”
Basically, this line is signifying this entire verse is pointless. Let’s recap the essence of the last 3 lines: “Your parents don’t’ like me. I agree with their judgment.” The verse isn’t even relevant to the song’s premise. Since the girl is with him, she obviously doesn’t give much credence to what her parents think. It’s really only filler targeted at hormonal teenage audience who still fall under their parents’ jurisdiction.
Maybe in the next two lines the verse will come together.
“Saying there goes my little girl / walking with that troublesome guy”
Nope.
“But they're just afraid of something they can't understand”
Like this song.
“Oooh well little darling watch me change their minds”
Skills: musician, singing, writing, teeth
Weaknesses: busted for cocaine, bouts of depression, writing a song that made Cee Lo Green famous enough to be a viable reality TV star, stated like 1 minute ago you would willingly become a drug addict
Good luck impressing the parents with that résumé.
“Yeah for you I'll try, I'll try, I'll try, I'll try”
One more time please, so we all can hear.
“I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding”
A little more menial than jumping in front of trains, but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
“If that'll make it right”
[Insert broody chorus]
“Ooooh Don't just say”
Say what? Are you going to make us wait until the next line? Ok fine I’m up for a round of emo charades. Ok, ummmm, 7 letters…got it….Grammys! Stratus***! I’ll try? Since when do apostrophes not count?
*** It’s a type of cloud. I spent way too much time looking at clouds on Wikipedia today.
“Goodbye…”
Whatever, Hang Man is better.
“…don't just say, goodbye”
Fine you win, you don’t have to rub it in.
“I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding / If that'll make it right”
If somebody knows what he did other than bruise his girlfriend’s apples or lose one of her patterned socks in the dryer I’m all ears.
“Cause there'll be no sunlight / if I lose you, baby”
So I pulled these lyrics off a website called metrolyrics.com. In the comments section for this song somebody with the user name Charles31862 wrote “Feels like how my marriage is ending and my fight to save it.”
Listening to Bruno Mars isn’t exactly a turn-on, Charles.
“There'll be no clear skies / if I lose you, baby”
Angela92820: “Love it, love it. Lots of bittersweetness - love and loss. I think anybody can relate to the opening stanza, at some point in their life.” (sic’d)
So everyone that has split from their significant others has felt the need to do copious amounts of drugs to forget the relationship? Essentially, become a living embodiment of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. But yeah, everyone totally does that.
 |
| Pete might be on to something |
“Just like the clouds, / my eyes will do the same if you walk away”
Luefelia60390: “this song bring tears to my eyes”
It’s called rain.
“Everyday, it will rain, / rain, rain, rain”
Abby59878: “It makes my heart melt too espicially after watching Breaking Dawn Part 1 ;w; Taylorr is soo sexyy.” (sic’d, again)
A math equation for you: melting teenage hearts + Twilight + Taylor Lautner + thinly veiled sexual subtext**** + Bruno Mars = gobs and gobs of money.
**** If you haven’t seen Breaking Dawn the first 30 minutes is structured as a lead in for Pattinson to vampire bang Kristen Stewart. There’s a wedding, yada yada yada, then honeymoon, then vampire banging. And the whole time before vampire banging it’s, like, knowing looks of seduction and the werewolf guy getting mad because apparently vampire banging is dangerous for humans and Stewart walking into the honeymoon suite, immediately looking at the bed with a slight “aww shucks I’m about to get effed by a supernatural creature” giggle and the word “virgin” getting thrown around like one of Chris Brown’s girlfriends. BUT THEY NEVER SAY THE WORD “SEX” AND IT’S INFURIATING! It’s like, who do you think you’re trying to fool? And this movie is marketed to teenage girls and it’s so painfully obvious that it’s playing up the sexual curiosity angle in young viewers to contribute to its already massive global popularity. Not only is it manipulative and amateur-ish storytelling, but it’s also a little disturbing when you consider that parents are taking their oft-very young kids to see this and encouraging them to read the books “because reading is good for you.” Other, more intellectual people have written essays about this but I just wanted to throw my two cents in.
You’re right Pete, everyday it will rain. It will rain mounds of cash.
***
The listener is left hanging and developing conclusions at their own leisure. But for Pete’s sake, I hope his girlfriend doesn’t leave him for the other singer/songwriters in her neighborhood (back off Mayer). Pete is obviously a tormented soul that doesn’t know how to handle prosperity or hang onto a good thing. As long as he keeps his fridge stocked with granny smiths, I think he will be ok.
As for the blog, thanks to anyone that is reading this or has read any posts in the past year; it’s only worth doing if people are reading. And I’m humbled people would even want to read me essentially rambling for 1500 words anyway. This year I’ll try to deliver fresh, sometimes thought-provoking material on a more consistent basis (I averaged about a little more than 1 post per 2 weeks; I can and should be writing more). So that means no more Bruno Mars.
Maybe.
It's hilarious and annoying how much sense this song DOESN'T make, so I wouldn't go so far as to say that one of his skills is writing. Anyway, great and funny, as usual. I like the user comments there at the end.
ReplyDeleteI think compared to other contemporary artists, he's a pretty decent writer, but I see your point.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah I totally cheated with the user comments, but I didn't want to write redundant jokes.
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