The Lumpy Pillow: Fun with Roman Numerals: A Super Bowl 46 Primer

Super Bowl XLVI* (taking place in Indianapolis) is upon us, meaning that the hype machine is All Systems Go from now through Sunday.

* Yes, I had to look up the correct Roman Numerals. Hey NFL, there’s a reason we stopped using that antiquated system. What, are we going to start feeding Christians to lions now during the Pregame Show?

I like that the Super Bowl is 2 weeks after the conference championships; in years past, sometimes it would fall on the following Sunday. While it was cool that we didn’t have to wait an extra week for the game, the result was often a sluggish contest. For players, that Super Bowl week must be a chore: you have to travel, participate in Media Day, answer stupid media questions every other day, satisfy family/friend ticket requests, nurse injuries**, and oh yeah try to practice and prepare for the BIGGEST DAMN GAME OF YOUR LIFE THAT HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WILL WATCH AND IF YOU SCREW UP YOU WILL BE A PUNCHLINE UNTIL YOU DIE.

** Another positive to waiting a week: teams have a greater chance of being full strength by game time.

However, with the extra down time until the game, people need a way to kill time. And no, the Pro Bowl isn’t one of them. As a result, we have the media coming up with all sorts of ridiculous stories just so ESPN has something to air:

Is Eli Manning a better QB than Tom Brady?!?! (No)

If he wins, will Eli be considered a greater QB than his brother? LOL Awkwaaaaaaaaard! (No)

Rob Gronkowski is wearing a protective boot, OMGZ! Is he going to miss the game?!?! (No, he will play, even if he has to inject copious amounts of pain killers)

Uh oh, Antrel Rolle said he’s confident the Giants will win. You going to take that crap, New England? Bulletin Board material! (What the hell else is he supposed to say? God forbid he shows confidence in his teammates)

And yes, those have really all been storylines the past 2 weeks, and are probably some of the more relevant ones.

So if you’re like me and sick of the sports news cycle, below is a Super Bowl XLVI primer, if you will., with all the things you need to know heading into the game. Since the Super Bowl is more spectacle than football game, some of entries aren’t really related to the actual game. Below, I will also include my pick.

Hell, to get in the mood, I’ll even use Roman Numerals.


The Lombardi Trophy, towering above Lucas Oil Stadium. You think other stadiums are jealous of how well endowed Lucas Oil is?

I. Commercials

Every year the commercial hype is a bit overstated. When was the last time you stopped watching a Super Bowl and thought, “well that game sucked, but at least Pepsi made a raucous ad!” Probably never.

Every year someone makes the same joke that they will use the game as the time to use the restroom so that they don’t miss the commercials. But by the end of the game, when we’re all loaded on beer and cheap nacho cheese, we’re thinking about how much we don’t want to go to work the next day more than Danica Patrick’s sideboob on the Go Daddy spot*.

* There are exceptions, however. Remember the Budweiser “wassssup” ads? Yeah, that stuck around for a while. Advertising works.

The most anticipated commercial this year is a Honda spot in which Matthew Broderick reprises his iconic role as Ferris Bueller. The ad is readily available to watch online; I haven’t seen it yet because a) I don’t care, b) Ferris Bueller stopped being relevant when Principal Rooney took nude photos of 14-year-olds, c) I’m going to see it Sunday anyway.

We embrace Super Bowl commercials because they are mildly more entertaining than the average commercial we see every day. But we ignore that this is just corporate competition. Given that the Super Bowl will be the most watched thing on TV this year, big corporations need to make their product as memorable as possible to stand out. Sorry to burst your bubble if you thought the Super Bowl advertisers wanted to make an interesting commercial just because it will add to the day’s festivities.

This isn’t to say Super Bowl commercials are bad or evil. More like they just are. We shouldn’t take them any more seriously than we take other TV commercials. We should take them at face value for what they are: 30 seconds of white noise that try to entice you to buy something.

With all that said, some commercials are really fantastic. Below are 2 of my favorites. The first one is, all joking aside, a more thoughtful and more interesting love story than most romantic comedies, as well as the Twilight series. The second is my all time favorite for reasons I haven’t figured out. Maybe I just enjoy koala abuse:

As promised, koala punching. I'm mature:

II. Food

Last year, we began a new food tradition. Whoever is playing in the Super Bowl, we try to match the food/beer with food from those cities. For example, if the Chicago Bears made the Super Bowl, we would have deep dish pizza, and if the Detroit Lions made the Super Bowl, we would have whatever Prince Fielder left for everyone else. It’s a just a fun, white people way to get into the game more. You can steal the idea if you like.

This is a different type of post, but Prince Fielder wouldn't be invited to my Super Bowl party

If not, then typical junk food selections are fine. However, the color green should not be found, unless it’s lettuce on a hamburger. But you can do better than a hamburger. Think wings, ribs, and messy food of that ilk. The more animals (koalas, perhaps?) that were killed in the name of food coma, the better.

For drinking, at least 1 beer per quarter is mandatory; but remember, you have work the next day, so I advise against over-doing it. Increase dosage if you’re a 49ers fan.

III. National Anthem

The Simpsons have the funniest bit about the national anthem ever. Before Homer’s big fight against Mike Tyson-spoof Drederick Tatum, Michael Buffer announces in the ring that “Due to popular demand, we will forgo our national anthem.” It’s an evil truth that most Americans don’t really care about the anthem, except then we feel like we need to pretend to care in light of national tragedy.

This year, Kelly Clarkson will sing the national anthem before the game. Afterwards, she will play defensive tackle for the Patriots.*

* Two fat jokes in the last 300 words? Stay classy, Andrew.

IV. Halftime Show

Thanks to Janet Jackson flashing some nip during the Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show (and the subsequent FCC freak out), the performances have been watered down with relics that baby boomers grew up listening to. Since that incident, we’ve had these relatively safe performers: Paul McCartney, The Rolling Stones, Prince, Tom Petty, Bruce Springsteen, The Who, The Black Eyed Peas (who were so bad, it was the first time in history that people ever said “thank God Usher has a cameo, he’s saving the show”).

Not that I mind the recent trend of old performers (minus the Peas). I would prefer listening to classic rock over contemporary pop any day.

But this year’s performer is Madonna. Whenever I’ve told someone who the halftime performer is, I’m met with some variation of “really, why her?” I can’t think of a relevant Madonna moment from the past decade that I can make fun of. Oh yeah she like kissed Britney Spears or something in a completely staged, headline grabbing incident.* Is the NFL reverting from its pattern of conservative halftime show selections? Will Madonna clamor for hanky panky in lieu of acting like a good virgin?

* “Burn the witches!” – Rick Perry

Likely not. Madonna is a lot of things, but she isn’t stupid. The last thing she wants is to create a backlash and, thereby, future earnings. The Super Bowl halftime show is nothing but an attention grabbing cash grab for pop stars; negative public feedback is counterproductive. The Spears incident was on MTV, a network whose slogan may as well be “Where Same Sex Kisses Happen.”

This performance will be on NBC. Expect a boring, conservative show, per usual at the Super Bowl.**

** Although, you know NBC execs are secretly hoping for something controversial to happen. Your move, CBS.

V. Postgame

After some billionaire collects a trophy because the players he bankrolled were better than the other owner’s bankrolled team, the network showing the Super Bowl will use it as a lead in for another “event” program (called a lead out program). Since the Super Bowl is such a ratings boon, the show following the game will always get huge ratings; the other networks don’t bother trying to compete and most people just leave the TV on that station because whateverwhynot. Last year, 26.8 million (!) people watched Glee, an amazing total for a show that alienates essentially all straight men, i.e., football watchers. The previous year, the premiere of Undercover Boss scored 38.6 million viewers, probably because it was the premiere and it is a more user-friendly, brain dead program than a narrative show. You get the point.

This year, a new season of The Voice premieres after the game.* If you haven’t seen the show (like me, I’m just guessing), it’s an American Idol rip off where 4 judges (Cee Lo Green, Aguilera, the Maroon 5 guy, some country music singer) choose contestants without looking at them, but rather by…wait for it…. only hearing their own voice. How magical. Cue unicorns and rainbows and fresh baked cookies and everything that is good in the world.

* Resisting Christina Aguilera fat joke. She's really not that big anyway. Everyone needs to chill out about that.

"Bring me Solo and the Wookie, er, yeah you're good. You advance to the next round."

So what I’m getting at is, it’s ok to turn off your TV when the game is over.

VI. The Game: Patriots vs. Giants, sponsored by hype

As long as we don’t have high expectations, we’ll all be a lot happier. I usually state that Super Bowl XXX was when I began watching the game, even though I don’t remember that game too much. I remember it was Dallas beats Pittsburgh, but that’s about it.

That’s usually the problem with the Super Bowl: for as much build up and attention the game receives, the game rarely lives up to the hype. Since that game, I count 5 Super Bowls that were memorable in some way.* There have been other games that were close, but either the score was closer than the flow of the game indicated or they were just poorly played.

* XXXII (Elway helicopter spin); XXXIV (Titans one yard short); XXXVI (Pats pull off huge upset of Rams); XLII (Helmet catch; end of Pats perfect season); XLIII (James Harrison 100-yard INT return). All those games have iconic plays and were great games. The other ones? Not so much.

If we go back to games before my football watching time, there are some grisly final scores. 49-26. 52-12. 55-10. 46-10. Green Bay won the first two Super Bowls by a combined 68-24 score. I mean, 55-10? We rarely see blowouts that lopsided in the regular season. No Super Bowl has ever gone to overtime. Yet of the 10 playoff games last month, 2 went to OT (and it should have been 3, if not for Baltimore botching that last FG attempt; not all the blame lies with Billy Cundiff, but that’s another story).

This game has all the makings of a classic. It’s a rematch of the classic Super Bowl XLII. Two huge media markets and two of the more popular teams in the sport. Superstar players on both sides of the ball.

But that’s the trap we fall into. If we adhere to Super Bowl track record, it’s likely the game sucks. That’s how I’m leaning, anyway. The Patriots are small favorites, but the Giants look like the superior team. The Pats will score, but their weak secondary will be exploited by the Giants’ stud receivers and their defense will put enough pressure on Brady to create a couple mistakes.

I think the final score will be closer than the game actually was; maybe the Pats get a cheap TD in garbage time.

My pick: A Giants victory will make me feel better about the 49ers losing.

My pick, part 2: No it won’t. Really Kyle Williams? Really? Screw you. I hope the White Sox suck and your dad gets fired.

My pick, part 3: Ok, that was mean. But seriously, eff off Kyle Williams.

My actual pick: 28-17 Giants

MVP pick: Hakeem Nicks

My playoffs record: 8-2

Enjoy the game everyone. Thanks for reading my playoff previews for the past month. I’ll be back soon with something not about football.