Scoreboard Watching

If you’re a baseball fan right now, you’re in 1 of 3 emotional stages. You may be disappointed with how your favorite team’s season went but you are no longer depressed; apathy rules within you and you will just wait out the season and hope for the best next year. On the opposite end of that spectrum, you are a fan of an elite team that is cruising towards the playoffs (Phillies, Brewers, Red Sox, Yankees). You still tune in because it’s fun to watch them kick ass but you aren’t too worried if they win or lose. Right now, it’s all about staying healthy for the postseason.

Right in the middle of these two groups of fans at peace is the maniacal, live-or-die world of pennant races. Though you cared in April, the games now are magnified and your emotional well-being hangs on every pitch, every swing, every degree Fernando Rodney’s cap is off center, every flailing Adam Dunn swing. 

It is a time for complete irrationality for baseball fans. If your team is currently in a race to make the playoffs, you are likely well aware of the toils of scoreboard watching. Unlike other sports leagues (notably the NBA and NHL where over half of the teams make the playoffs), reaching the MLB postseason is an accomplishment in itself. Also unlike other sports, any team that makes the playoffs can get hot and win the World Series (just ask the 2006 Cardinals and 2010 Giants). The best team rarely wins the World Series. But to have a shot at October glory, a team first has to make the playoffs, which is no easy feat.

Therefore, baseball fans will often simultaneously monitor their favorite team as well as well as the team their favorite team is battling for division supremacy. In order to help, I’ve created a list of ways to help you efficiently Scoreboard Watch as well as point out what it and isn’t acceptable.

For the sake of ease, I will write this from the perspective of an Angels fan. As of writing this, the Angels sit 4.5 games behind the first place Texas Rangers, not an ideal position but also not an insurmountable deficit.

#1 – During a pennant chase, friends and family are more or less irrelevant

By this, I mean it is OK to ignore your loved ones in favor of watching a crucial game. Family is overrated anyway, right? Remember that time Adam Kennedy hit 3 home runs to send the Angels to the World Series? Pretty exciting stuff. What has your family done? Supported you and gave you the tools necessary to succeed in life. Boring!

If your team makes the playoffs, it will provide you with a lifetime full of memories you will cherish. Well maybe just until next season. Yeah, so what if you guys won the World Series, what have you done for me lately!? Bums!

#2 – During a pennant chase, significant others are more or less irrelevant

Similar to #1, just more specific. Ideally, you want to find a girl (remember, my perspective) that likes baseball, or at least can tolerate it (but not some beefcake girl that can name the Game 7 lineup for the 1985 Royals while beating you in an arm wrestling match). But even if a girl says she likes baseball, she still doesn’t understand the full ramifications of what that means.

Guys LIKE baseball. Girls like going to games and dancing to get onto the JumboTron and checking out the hot players wearing tight pants. The outcome of the game isn’t life or death. But to the superior, more intelligent gender, there is absolutely nothing more important than vicariously living through 18 millionaires throw a ball, swing a piece of wood, and run. That’s why guys are better. We just get it.

Every guy knows how to tune out a chatty girlfriend. Usually, a well placed “oh really” and “yeah?” are enough to keep a guy from getting in trouble. The girl is satisfied as well because she doesn’t have to breathe for 10 minutes (I’ve learned this is how women survive). But when the playoffs are on the line, the guy has to be more forceful. I can’t be bothered hearing about your “promotion” or “second thoughts about our relationship” when the bases are loaded.

So if you’re watching the game at home and your significant other starts talking, I find it effective to say something along the lines of “you know, can this wait? I really don’t care.” She’ll get the hint. Now, it’s possible that she may be upset about this for whatever reason, which is ridiculous since she was the one that started talking and she knows Talking Hours are 5 minutes before first pitch and 5 minutes after the final out. If it was a game against the Orioles in May and you decided to give her some extra talk time during the game, that’s totally your call. But during the pennant chase, that’s rude of her to interrupt.

If you live with your significant other, this could result in you sleeping on the couch (totally unreasonable on her part but a possibility). While this may seem like punishment, this in reality is an awesome perk. Now, you can watch the game replay or watch the same highlights on SportsCenter for the next 8 hours. If you’re lucky, the Baseball Tonight crew will quit giving sexual favors to the Yankees and Red Sox for just long enough to talk about the Angels.

#3 – Don’t be shy to utilize your phone’s entire battery reserves

#3 can also be connected to the first two tips, since it is probably the most effective method of ignoring others.

Your phone has several hours of battery power…don’t be afraid to use it all. If you find yourself out in public during an important game, simply keep track of the pertinent games on your phone. ESPN Gamecast can be an effective method. It’s likely that seeing pitch descriptions like “in play, out(s) recorded” is more riveting than whatever company you’re keeping. Great Grandma will have another 100th birthday party next year anyway. 

This Gamecast must be fake if it has the Angels beating the Red Sox

 If you’re fortunate enough to be at a game, still feel free to use your phone to track out-of-town scores. We all know that scoreboard on the right field wall isn’t updated quickly enough. It’s probably some high school dropout pressing buttons anyway. Do they even know how to count? Better not risk it. Knowing the 1^st inning score 30 seconds earlier is worth it. Your ignored company will understand.

Another phone benefit is it works as your very own replay booth. All you need is someone watching at home. At Angel Stadium, if there is a controversial call, they never show it on the JumboTron, probably because they don’t want to rile up the Orange County fans and cause them to accidentally spill red wine and foie gras on their Ed Hardy T-shirts. If it looks like a ball down the line was fair but the umpire calls foul, angrily text your scout and ask them what TV replay says. I find that texting “FAIR OR FOUL?!?!?!?!” does a nice job or relaying your exasperation. This won’t change the call and your knowledge of a blown call will likely only piss you off, but now at least you can shout at the ump from the upper deck and tell him how you feel. That’ll teach him.

 - "Baseball season!" - "Duck Season!" - "Baseball season!" - "Duck season!"

#4 – Expect the impossible…and be pissed when it doesn’t happen

Yeah the Rangers may be playing the Royals. Yeah Bruce Chen may be pitching against them, and yeah he may be one of the worst pitchers of the last decade. But dammit, why can’t he throw a no-hitter today? It’s baseball, anything can happen.

While following said Rangers-Royals game, it is perfectly acceptable to get overly excited if Jeff Francouer hits a solo home run in the 2^nd inning to put the Royals up 1-0 (a big if, but remember, dream big). They’re a big league team they know how to play (unless they’re name is Luke Hochevar). It’s also acceptable to throw a temper tantrum when the Rangers score 8 runs off Chen in the bottom of the 2^nd. I thought that lead would hold!

Cut from similar cloth, it’s reasonable to expect the Angels to go undefeated over the last 6 weeks of the season. Each day is important. Whenever Texas loses to the Royals (and damn Abner Doubleday in his grave if they don’t!) the Angels must win to gain ground. If the Angels lose then they just wasted another chance to gain ground. Taking 2 of 3 games each series is loser talk. That loss represents one step closer to a long nihilism-filled winter.

#5 – Don’t be ashamed to root for Satan

Satan’s spawn rather, that being the Red Sox and Yankees.

If either of these teams play the Rangers, don’t feel bad rooting for them. They’re both going to make the playoffs anyway so rooting against them is pointless.

And when the Yankees get to the playoffs, it’s not like they’re a threat. I mean, have you seen their pitching staff? C.C. Sabathia is a legitimate ace, but Bartolo Colon (!) will start a playoff game. And who is going to start Game 3 (this is assuming the mound hasn’t been flattened after trying to support Sabtahia and Colon two consecutive nights)? A.J. “Next Year I’m Going to Make As Much Money As Jered Weaver, Even Though I Pitch More Like Jeff” Burnett?

Witty remark not required

 Even under the wild assumption that anyone other than Sabathia is going to force outs, who’s going to catch the ball behind them? Derek Jeter’s Hoveround can only move so fast and A-Rod prefers to only bend over when injecting a syringe into his ass.

One thing working for the Yankees is the short porch in right field, which makes Yankee Stadium look like a joke. Oh yeah, real prolific offense you guys have with Granderson and Teixeira hitting pop ups for home runs. I’ve seen bigger dimensions at a local softball league. Though I’m sure Sabathia wouldn’t mind if there was a keg at the mound and every base (A-Rod would prefer if there was a cocaine-riddled poker game at 3^rd base).

The Red Sox are a little tougher to root for because they’re, ya know, built to succeed in the playoffs. And like the Yankees they play in a stadium that could probably host the Little League World Series. And like the Yankees their fans are obnoxious and stupid (“how much for an obstructed view seat? Fak yah I’ll go! Go Sawx!”) and think that because their teams have been around for 100 years and won the majority of their World Series titles before black people were allowed to play and when you only had to beat like 8 teams to win, their teams are full of “tradition” and “history” (back in the day, winning the World Series meant you had the only fat, drunk, Irish immigrant on the field that could make contact with the ball after the previous night’s bender).

Yeah, it might feel dirty to root for Josh Beckett’s seaweed necklace and Kevin Euclis (source: Lewis, Michael, Moneyball. 2003, officially dated in 2005), but remember that the key is your team makes the playoffs.

The Rangers play the Red Sox 7 times in the next couple weeks. You’re a fool if you don’t think I’m rooting for the Red Sox. I’ve put too much emotional investment into the Angels for them to not make the playoffs. If they don’t make it I don’t really see the point in living. It will be a cold, remorse filled life. I might start studying Nietzche, or begin a quest to search for the meaning of life and why bad things happen to good people.

Or I could just wait until next season. I never really thought the Angels would do much this season anyway.

Trying to Jump the Shark: Weeklong Marathon Ideas for Other Networks

If you have even the slightest amount of nerd in you, you are well aware that this week is Shark Week on Discovery Channel. Airing every summer, Shark Week has become a phenomenon of sorts; I was shocked to find out that this summer tradition is older than me. For whatever reason, sharks, like dinosaurs, are creatures that capture our imaginations as children and our curiosity with them festers well into adulthood. Discovery has banked on Shark Week for 2 decades. It’s an easy way to fill a week of programming (“what you say? We have an open time slot for 1am? I don’t know, just throw that one with the jumping sharks on there. Everyone loves a good jumping shark”). HDTVs have made watching the sharks even more spectacular than in the past.

If the shark did this 18 years ago, we could have avoided Andre

Also this week, to less fanfare, is Mob Week on AMC. Essentially, the week is devoted to showing old mob movies that we’ve all seen countless times. It also helps that each Godfather is so damn long that running a marathon of the 3 GF installments could kill quite literally 12 hours of time slots.

Having a week long theme is nothing new for cable TV. Sometimes, networks take advantage of October to showcase their scarier fare (AMC does this with the Halloween movies; I think I’ve seen Halloweens 4 and 5 in their entirety, but never in one sitting; rather, it’s been about a 10 year process, but I’ve learned that if wells won’t even kill little Timmy, they sure as hell won’t kill Michael Myers). December is obviously reserved for Christm – er – Holiday programming.

But why stop there? Below are some of my ideas for weeklong themes for prominent cable networks. And no, I’m not including a “Actual Music on MTV Week” because that joke should have died 10 years ago.

Comedy Central: Shows that Don’t Involve People Named Stewart, Colbert, Tosh, or Cartman Week

Hope everyone likes Jay & Silent Bob and Van Wilder, because they’re going to be on this week. A lot.

GSN: Long Microphone Week

Homage to classic game show hosts that used the phallic-inspired long microphone. Special attention will be given to Bob Barker and Gene Rayburn. Though the Walking Sexual Harassment Charge (aka Richard Dawson) will not be hosting any show this week, he will make many appearances on Match Game. He’ll be the one whispering sweet nothings into the ear of a blonde contestant with a tight sweater.

CNN: Anderson Cooper Pretending to be a Hardcore Journalist Week

CNN will send their most famous reporter to exotic locations around the world and ask him to make love to the camera for an hour. Watch as Anderson wrestles lions! Punches a hurricane in the face! Catches a grenade (for ya) and throws it back at Iraqi insurgents! Tries to cover up he ever hosted The Mole!

Anderson Cooper: American Hero

FOX News: “Look! There’s still a war going on! And the economy hasn’t improved at all!” Week

RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!

MSNBC: “War, what war? Oh, and isn’t free health care great! And no, Rachel Maddow is not a dude…we think” Week

RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!

Lifetime: It’s Only Fashionable if Your Husband is in the Military Week

“It’s always important to accessorize. I’ll take the strapping Marine. Front lines, you say? Even better! I can milk 4 episodes of tears with that!”

OWN: Feast on Your Soul Week

Pretty simple concept. You watch, Oprah harvests your soul and gives it to Dr. Phil, Rachel Ray and Dr. Oz for sustenance. 

LPTV (owned and operate by yours truly): Parenthesis (Week)

We explore how parenthesis aid writers (and also provide a lazy way for them to interject thoughts that have no real reason for being in the text, but are used anyway (mostly because verbose writers don’t know how to keep their thoughts concise (and they see everything they think of as important to their writing (it’s tough to say if this is arrogance or not (but it is most certainly distracting (to(the(rea(der))))))))).

Food Network: Giada de Laurentiis Week

Just because she’s really hot.

Cinemax: “Who are we kidding? Let’s just play soft core porn all day” Week

Showtime: HBO-Inspired Inferiority Complex Week

“Yeah, HBO’s good, but Showtime is where edgy TV comes to play! Dexter anyone? Hasn’t been good in 3 years you say? Well how ‘bout Weeds? United States of Tara?! Yeah Diablo Cody created it, so what? Wait wait wait wait, please don’t cancel your subscript – damn…”

ESPN: West Coast Week

The week the suits at ESPN decide to only talk about and broadcast west coast related games. This means no Yankees, Red Sox, Cowboys, Phillies, Knicks, Eagles, Duke, Ohio State, etc. Yeah right. ESPN would just as soon blow up the Baseball Tonight set (hopefully with John Kruk present) than do this.

ESPNU: Best of USC Athletic Scandals Week

Could be its own network.

G4: Loss of Virginity Week

G4  elects to air nothing in order to encourage their demographic to go out and lose their virginity. It will be interesting to see if that or Ninja Warrior is more impossible.

Travel Channel: Fat Guy Eats More Food in 1 Hour Than Zimbabwe Eats in 1 Week Week

Alternative title: “Why Every Country Wants to Bomb Us Week”

Bravo: Top Millionaire Model Genius on the D List Runway Week

Reality show where all the contestants run around, yell, act obnoxious, and get judged by a rich bald guy. Basically also the premise of every Real Housewives episode.

I'm as surprised as you are this guy has made two consecutive posts

E!: Ryan Seacrest Goes on Vacation Week

This could end up backfiring. Since Seacrest seemingly has his hand in everything at E!, the programming could turn into a real mess without his entrepreneurial presence. But, then again, Kim Kardashian is used to cleaning up messes on camera. It’s just usually with Ray J.

Oxygen: Ironically, If You’re a Dude Our Programming May Suffocate You Week

ID: Sigmund Freud Week

(ha, see what I did there?)

SyFy: Correct Spelling is Optional Week

Nick: Watching Spongebob in a Real Nickelodeon is Way Less Fun Week

Can 100-year-old popcorn kill you? Tune in to find out!

Discovery Health: Emergency Surgeries for Idiots That Stick Cameras in Sharks’ Faces Week

Mona Lisa Probably Would Have Enjoyed Beef Wellington: Cooking Shows and Art

MasterChef judges: Grumpy, Bipolar Bloak, and Obligatory "Nice" Judge

It’s no secret that summer provides a dearth of quality material for TV and movie fans. Save some exceptions (Breaking Bad season 4 premiered; if you’re not watching this show, continue not watching it because it gives me a reason to feel superior to you), summer blows. I’ve spent time in recent posts discussing bad film, so today I want to focus a little on summer TV, TV that is generally dominated by reality programming (well, so is the fall schedule, but just go with me).

Unless you want to watch re-runs of Fat White People Doing White People Things (some people call it Mike & Molly), you’re only TV choice is reality TV. My summer vice the last 2 years has been the Gordon Ramsay vehicle, MasterChef. FOX’s lead-in for this program is another more Ramsay-centric vehicle, Hell’s Kitchen. Though I have watched Hell’s before, the act of Ramsay yelling at people became more tired and contrived each season.

In MasterChef, Ramsay is significantly more subdued. Rather than playing the tyrant archetype that he does in Hell’s, MasterChef presents coiffed-haired Ramsay as a Brit who loves food but wanted something more than bangers and mash as a child. He is often compassionate and routinely encourages eliminated contestants to continue cooking. His role on MasterChef only serves to undermine his barbaric role on Hell’s Kitchen, underscoring the idea that Ramsay does have a heart after all. Some Ramsay irritation is funny, and MasterChef usually does an exemplary job of depicting their star as helpful mentor that only ventures into pissed off Scot when a contestant deserves it or the episode has hit an extended lull. As a result, MasterChef seems more serious or legitimate than its higher-rated counterpart (According to TVbythenumbers.com, Hell’s Kitchen scored first place for the 8:00 time slot yesterday with 5.77 million viewers while MasterChef came in 2^nd in the 9:00 time slot with 5.35 million viewers, well behind America’s Got Talent. The more I watch America’s Got Talent, the more I think the show’s title should include a question mark; also, when I think of experts at evaluating talent, I think of Howie “I’m Talented Because I Used To Tell Hot Women To Open Briefcases In Prime Time” Mandel and Sharon Osbourne.).

The rise of reality food competitions has fascinated me for some time. One possibility is that my culinary expertise begins and ends with grilled cheese. Want me to use truffles with a dish? Then you’re getting piece of Lindors on a hot fudge sundae.

But the thing I find more curious with these shows is that they display a world most viewers will never realize. The contestants aren’t cooking pot roast or lasagna. Ingredients often include ingredients I’ve never heard of and I presume millions of other viewers haven’t either. And while I’ve heard of ginger, the extent of knowledge with ginger is limited to Canada Dry.

Additionally, cooking shows are more or less impossible for home viewers to judge. True, we can judge plating, but that’s only a small fraction of a dish’s importance. For food, taste is everything. Even if something doesn’t look visually appealing, it could be the most magnificent tasting dish ever created. And really, only the 3 judges will know how they taste. They can do their best to describe how “velvety” or “sensuous” a dish is, but those are simply adjectives used more to give the judges credibility than it is to relay to the audience the food’s quality. For the weak palated, velvety is a high class synonym for “good.”  

With American Idol and Dancing with the Stars, most people can infer whether the person singing or dancing did a good job. Even if you’re not a singing expert (I certainly am not), I can at least make a fairly educated decision as to who the superior performer is. With cooking shows, it’s a stab on the dark. We rely on sign posts like a judge’s facial expression, musical crescendos, and a contestant’s level of calm or confusion.

So I guess the question I’m getting at in a very roundabout way is simply…why? Why does MasterChef routinely accrue over 5 million viewers (in the black hole that is summer network TV no less)? Why is the Food Network no longer solely for lonely house wives? Why are Bobby Flay and Tom Colicchio and Gordon Ramsay not just respected chefs, but borderline A-List celebrities?

My theory is that cooking gives the audience what they perceive an ascertainable creative entry into high class art. The merits of food as art are certainly debatable, but for terms of discussion in this post, I’m on the assumption that in the proper setting, food is art. MasterChef thinks food is art. After all, part of the judging is based on the appeal of plating, and there is something to be said for the ability to create a tasty concoction on the fly. All the challenges on the show require contestants to, in usually an hour, make a dish with ingredients they may or may not have used before. It takes a specific creativity I lack.

However, cooking seems less of an innate skill than other forms of art, or at least that is an easy perception to make.  To a viewer, culinary art is nothing more than following a recipe. A little of this, and a little of that, and BAM!, you’re Wolfgang Puck. This is ignoring the fact that many great chefs go to culinary school and possess palates that can discern every ingredient in a soup. No amount of overused onomatopoeia can hide these realities. But people don’t see those realities, they only see what MasterChef presents to them, that being people heating up a bunch of ingredients in a pan and putting it on a plate.

With painting, people that are unable always scoff at the idea of painting. We’d be lucky to visit the Sistine Chapel, let alone paint God giving life to Adam on the ceiling, the visionary scope of which only a select few geniuses can even imagine.

Many feel the same way with singing (some should probably get that feeling more often) and filmmaking. For some, even coherent writing is a luxury reserved for the educated elite (especially snarky bloggers that like to poke fun at Shia LaBeouf and Diablo Cody). They are art forms whose production seems other worldly and thereby impossible to attain. And we’re ok with that. Even if I consider myself a reasonably good writer, I’m hyper-aware that guys like James Joyce and Phillip Roth are laughably more talented than me. Yet, it doesn’t bother me because those guys are in a rarified class that only a select few join.

Ok, but can he make corn beef and cabbage?

But cooking? Cooking is what our parents did every day when growing up (unless you’re Gilbert Grape). Cooking is so pervasive in our culture that all intimidation has worn off. We aren’t as impressed with Gordon Ramsay as we are with Martin Scorsese and Aretha Franklin because his art is the same thing our mom did daily, at least when we use the term “cooking” in its simplest form.

Reality cooking shows have gained popularity because they give us entry to the base level of the lifestyles of the rich, famous, and artistically talented. We might never party with Justin Timberlake, but we at least have the belief that we might be able to one day eat like him. Or if we want to accept the MasterChef allusion, maybe one day cook for him.

The Chuck

When you’re a kid, there are few places more awesome than Chuck E. Cheese. The only thing that may surpass it is Disneyland, but even then, as a kid, I preferred to hang out with Mr. Cheese and friends. Nothing beats the combination of video games, unhealthy food, free sugar refills, and prizes which aren’t really prizes since you indirectly paid for them.

Having gone to a Chuck E. Cheese twice fairly recently for a kid’s birthday, the magic has obviously worn off. The place reeks of Pine Sol and stale tears. The games suck. Even the pizza, which I revered as a kid, now tastes like cardboard. And it got me thinking: maybe kids have outgrown Chuck E. Cheese. Yes, it’s obviously a kid’s place, but kids now are more sophisticated than 15 years ago. They aren’t satisfied that you can shoot into a basketball hoop for tickets (but wait! It can also move forwards and backwards! What fun!), tickets that will go to some piece of crap plastic whistle or, if they’re really lucky, a lava lamp. Kids now want video games and software for their computers and Apple money so they can buy apps on their IPads. Given how quickly kids seem to be growing up now, don’t be surprised if corn cobs pipes are included in future Happy Meals.

So, if the kids no longer appreciate Chuck E. Cheese, why not give it back to the young adults? The very one’s that grew up incessantly bothering their parents to take them to Chuck E. Cheese. My idea is to create a 21 and over club atmosphere based on Chuck E. Cheese, known simply as The Chuck.

My idea differs from Dave & Buster’s because D&B obviously wants to be different from Chuck E. Cheese. I don’t. I want to adopt all Chuck E. Cheese elements and put an adult spin on them with some minor tweaks. After all, Chuck E. Cheese is more club-ready than you probably realize.

Entrance

If you remember, Chuck E. Cheese already has a velvet rope upon entrance. This was to ensure that families would have a unique hand stamp so that upon exiting, children would leave with their parents and not be abducted by some weirdo (because, you know, it’s so much safer to be with your parents, as one recent verdict proved).

In The Chuck, I’m doing away with the hand stamps. Instead, patrons (if lucky enough to be on the list) will receive glow necklaces, with certain colors denoting how “available” they are. Blue means “Not Interested” because, as all female stand up comedians will attest, it’s annoying being hit on in clubs. Plus, this will prevent these “Not Interested” people from getting free drinks from sucker guys. See, I’m helping everyone.

Green necklaces can mean something like “It’s In Play, But You Gotta Work For It.” Red means you’re ready to go. By default, all male patrons receive red necklaces because no dude, if they’re being honest, wants to go to a club just to hang out or dance. They are on a primal mission. The necklaces could expedite the process.

Food

Trying to hook up can be a tiring venture (says the guy with less game than a 2011 Derek Jeter), to refuel, food is necessary. And yes, pizza is still on the menu. As is standard Chuck procedure, the now-bar is located immediately upon entrance. Here, patrons can order exotic thin crust pizzas. The Chuck will wisely add words to the pizza’s description like “basil,” “prosciutto,” and “margherita” so as to inflate prices. For dessert, patrons can purchase vodka infused cotton candy (I actually just made this up, but it sounds delicious; if it exists, I must find it*).

*7/11/2011 update: I was informed that this does exist. At AnQi Bistro in Costa Mesa, they serve a cocktail mixture of grapefruit juice, orange juice, vodka, and tequila, poured over a piece of pink cotton candy, called a Lotus. Or as the local "Real Housewives of OC" would call it, breakfast.

As far as booze, The Chuck will have an extensive bottled and draught beer selection. I would prefer to not have any cheap domestic beer, but since Bros will inevitably invade the club, they will need to keep hydrated with Bud Light (which reminds me, there will be a special Bro Menu; for a nominal fee, Bros can order a combo of cigarettes, Monster, and GED certificate of completion). Other than beer and the traditional drinks one can find at any bar, the Featured Drinks will be Suicide-infused. What I mean by this is that margaritas and other mixed drinks (for a small mark up) will feature every soda from the fountain, i.e. “suicide” (don’t pretend like you didn’t do this as a kid; one of the saddest days of my life was when Chuck E. Cheese stopped offering Surge).

Staff

Rather than having some doofus wearing a giant mouse costume or a purple Grimace-rip off, the staff will include scantily clad women (and men…I guess) known as the Mice. Think of it as the Playboy Bunnies, except the Mice won’t have annoying laughs and become famous for being “in love” with some 80 year-old that pretty much keeps Viagra in business by himself. As for the men on the staff…well this is my fantasy and I can exclude them. If you want to buy your own franchise and employ men on the staff, have at it.

Games

Skee-ball is out, mostly because I’m trying to not make an inappropriate joke by adding one letter. You know Whack-a-mole? Well try your hand at Whack-a-bro (it should be noted that the developers of this game also created a House of the Dead type game where the gamer walks around a club and shoots all the 50-year-old men wearing Ed Hardy shirts)! Another must arcade game is Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker, a real game from the late 80s in which you play as MJ and walk around rescuing children (I’m not making this up) and killing the bad guys through dance; also in the game is Bubbles, MJ’s famous pet chimp, who appears in each level and provides a power up if you catch him (seriously, I’m not making this up). This game has no relevant purpose to The Chuck, but it’s hilarious and would reflect on the childlike whimsy of Chuck E. Cheese.

I also have a version of the basketball game, called LeBron James 4^th Quarter Corner, where you earn 30 points for missing shots and 150 points if you don’t shoot the ball at all. Air Hockey is replaced by a beer pong table (reserved by the Bros until the end of time). I’m also getting rid of the racing games in lieu of Mel Gibson’s DUI Prix. The winner of the race s whoever can most successfully get pulled over and verbally assault a police officer. Bonus points are awarded if you are able to run Kiefer Sutherland off the road.

Obstacle Course

Ball pit is out, Jacuzzi is in. May as well, since both are equally unsanitary. However, the tubes stay. Since The Chuck is destined to become an international hit, many celebs will try to crash the party. The tubes are more for functionality than recreation though. Whenever annoying reality TV stars like the Kardashians or cast of the Jersey Shore show up to The Chuck, the bouncers will escort them to the tubes, where they will more than likely get lost and be unable to find their way out.

Entertainment

Just like Chuck E. Cheese, there will be a separate room that features live music. The middle tables will be replaced with a dance floor and booths will surround the perimeter of the room, reserved only for those interested in bottle service. The music will vary. Some nights will feature rock-based groups while other nights may be more hip hop infused. Prestige is important to The Chuck, so only premium talent will be chosen to perform. Sorry Lil Wayne. Ideally, the show will start around 10pm, which gives plenty of time for the room to get a true feel of other LA-based venues, that being it will be so crowded you can’t pull out your cell phone without bumping into someone’s drink. The Chuck knows how to put on a show, so they will also make sure to turn the heat on so you get a good lather going. What’s that, you want obnoxiously loud music like other clubs? You mean you actually don’t want to communicate like a reasonable person for the next 3 hours because you can’t speak to someone 2 inches away, not that it would matter since you have probably developed a slight case of deafness? And you only want the main act to play two songs and play them very half-ass? Well at The Chuck, they got all that covered! Also, to enhance the show’s full sensory enjoyment, The Chuck has hired hard rock band Great White to oversee all pyrotechnic operations.

Prizes

Like Chuck E. Cheese, the last thing most patrons will do before exiting into the night is collecting their prizes. And, also like Chuck E. Cheese, the prizes are generally worth the time of standing in line. Patrons can turn in their tickets for a variety of prizes. If you are unable to win any prizes, don’t worry, there is a handful of free options, including a Blu-Ray box set of all of Katherine Heigl’s movies and a first generation Motorola Droid (seriously, mine sucks now, anyone want it?). Starting on the bottom level, for one ticket, you will get 4 tickets to an upcoming LA Dodger game. For 5 tickets, you receive a card with Matt Kemp’s sullen face on it, which requests that for only 5 cents a day, you can help pay his salary. After working your way through the higher levels with some BLOAQ stock and trips to Omaha, you start to get to the good stuff. For 1,000,000,0000,000,000 tickets, you inherit Oprah’s fortune (unfortunately, you also inherit her superiority complex).

And the most expensive item at the prize booth? Nostalgia. For an untold sum, a staff member of The Chuck will, for 8 hours, teleport you back to when you were 10 and you get to run rampant through Chuck E. Cheese as you remember it, before the smell of vomit bothered you and before you had a concept of money and before you developed a taste for superior pizza. For as awesome as The Chuck will be, it won’t be able to compare to your memories of Chuck E. Cheese, memories that with maturation are impossible to recreate. For 8 hours, you get to enjoy the place where a kid can be a kid.

Maybe Optimus will Eat the Cole Slaw: People and Things Not Invited to My July 4 BBQ

                                         Nothing says freedom quite like this athlete perfecting his craft

Given the festive nature of this weekend, I decided I’m going to throw my first July 4^th BBQ. Being the generous person I am, the guest list extensive. However, like all parties, there need to be limits to who exactly is invited. So, in case you were planning on coming to the party, here is a list of people and things not invited to my holiday bash.

The Maybe

Osama bin Laden

Osama is actually a “maybe” to the party. Before you boycott in protest, he’s only invited based on the premise that the winner of the Gandalf look-alike contest I held last year received an automatic invite to the party.

 He RSVPed months ago but I haven’t been able to get a hold of him for a couple months. But when he declared he was coming he said that he is a very busy man and that I would need to keep a left eye out for him. He also expressed great interest in going for a lengthy swim in my pool but also specifically requested no seals to be at the party. A bit eccentric, I’d say.

(too soon?)

The Hell No

Diablo Cody

Because I don’t have enough chlorine for the pool. A commenter on my last post suggested I just don’t understand her “free spirit” (then proceeded to say my humor was somewhere between Terri Schiavo and Andrew Dice Clay; I’m not even sure who they were trying to insult). When I first read the comment I thought, “wow, a strip club that gives away free spirits! What a happy hour!”

The No’s

Tracy Morgan

Because if my son was an unfunny comedian who perpetuates black stereotypes while by and large appearing in TV shows that appeal to white America, I might stab him to death.

Pledge of Allegiance Enthusiasts

Really…who cares? If you want to see a great example of the pledge’s waning power, go to any classroom around the country. Does it look like any of those kids care? The only ones that do care are the elementary school kids, but they’re excited to do it because they’re excited they remember it. In high school, when time for the pledge, everyone groans because they have to stand up and half-halfheartedly recite words that have been so ingratiated in us since we were 5 that any true meaning the pledge may have had has given way to redundancy. And just because someone is less than excited about the pledge doesn’t make them unpatriotic; contrarily, it could mean they are more patriotic because they realize their appreciation for America doesn’t lie in the banal words of a grammar school poem.

As for the “God” thing…who cares? If some people want to say it, then great. If some people don’t, whatever. It’s not like one of those “Oh well America was founded on Christianity” arguments because “God” wasn’t implemented until 1954, 62 years after the pledge was first adopted. If you identify America through God then good for you, but that is your right just as much as it is for an atheist person to separate God and America entirely. 

Cole Slaw

Whoever decided this should be associated with BBQ needs to be arrested for treason.

Optimus Prime

What am I supposed to feed it (him?)? It’s annoying enough having people request vegetarian options (at my house they get Pop-Tarts) but then there’s an 18-wheeler alien that I presume feasts on gasoline and oil. And, according to Eyewitness News, that is really expensive now. Plus, say he does come and accidentally knocks a barrel of oil into the pool…now I have a BP-type catastrophe on my hands. I just re-plastered and re-tiled the pool you idiot. I’m truly sorry your only friends are an illiterate Camaro and Michael Bay, I really am. But unless I need help destroying some Egyptian pyramids or the Eiffel Tower, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.

Fake Freedom

July 4 is commonly known as Independence Day. This is, of course, the day Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum liberated America from British rule. The grand misconception is that on July 4, 1776, a bunch of our forefathers stood around a sweaty room and signed their name on the Declaration of Independence (John Hancock later stole the document and christened it the mission statement of his upstart insurance company), thereby making the American Colonies free. This belief is as heartwarming as it is silly. Being one for technicalities, America technically wasn’t free until the British surrendered to General Fresh Prince at the Battle of Yorktown in 1781. Making a political statement is fine and all, but had the British gone back and bitch-slapped the colonies after the Declaration of Independence was signed, that document would be about as meaningful as Frank McCourt’s bank statement (my inner Rick Reilly wrote that joke, not me). You really think King George III would have been like “crap, that territory is rightfully Britain’s, but those pesky colonists had to find the paper and pens and write their names. Well, I guess we can’t tax them now. Hey George 4, write down this new law I made: ‘no more complementary pencil boxes for colonists.’ Got it? Good. At least there is going to be a giant shipment of tea from Boston coming in today. Wait….”

I’m not going to complain too much about this. After all, we all get a day off every year due to this colonial pissing contest. So American Freedom, you are invited to my party, you’re just going to have to arrive 5 years younger.

LeBron James

Look, if I wanted someone to stand in the corner and not get involved in the action of the party, I would have invited Mike Huckabee.

Fireworks

I know, I know. Fireworks are one of THE staples of July 4. But I’m going to begin a new tradition of trying to exterminate them. Yeah, fireworks are cool, but then we invented this think called the television. All of a sudden, shooting rockets into the sky and blowing them up seems kind of boring.

Sure, fireworks are fun when you’re 10, but once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen ‘em all. There’s a reason the Chinese are running economic circles around us: nothing invented 1500 years ago is still impressing them (well, maybe snuffing out free speech; they can’t get enough of that).

Chiropractors especially love fireworks because millions of dads hold their children on their shoulders during firework shows, thus giving them neck and shoulder pain (tangent to the anonymous dads that hold kids on their shoulders during fireworks shows: trust me, we all know your kid is the greatest thing on earth and is destined to become the first U.S President that is also a star center fielder for the Yankees that does cancer research in their spare time, but please, there are other people trying to watch the show and your ice cream stained child is blocking the view. Plus, it’s not like they’re going to appreciate it. They’re about 25 minutes away from being cranky (after the ice cream sugar crash) and pissed off at you for not buying them that overpriced Buzz Lightyear doll; the nagging will in turn lead you get in a fight with your wife because you’re mad she didn’t have the car keys whipped out in 2 in seconds notice, meaning you have to hold your spoiled brat kid for an 5 extra seconds, then you complain about the traffic exiting the parking lot and how it was your wife’s fault because she suggested parking on the damn Goofy level when you knew Minnie would be better, but you decided you didn’t want to start anything that early in the morning because there was a long day ahead and you were just hoping your kid would make it through fireworks without sounding like a grizzly bear was gnawing their foot off. So the moral of the story: families shouldn’t go to Disneyland).

I really don’t have a rational argument against fireworks; they just bore me. I’m not a huge fan of choreographed shows. If the point of the day is to express American dominance (it is; that’s why the day is filled with gluttonous activities like watching baseball, drinking Budweiser, eating Hot Dogs, and lighting crap on fire, personal or property safety be damned…America! F*** Yeah!), then why not just light the whole box of fireworks at one time? The reason the British lost the Revolutionary War was because they didn’t have an answer for colonist guerrilla tactics. Our firework shows should have the same scatterbrained mentality. As General Fresh Prince’s brother in arms once said (may he RIP), it’s “time to kick the tires and light the fires!”

But until that day, I’m going to have to pass on fireworks.

Absolutely Invited

Column Gimmicks

This post speaks for itself.

Happy “Independence” Day everyone. Kick back, relax, and watch out for Decepticons. They’ll steal your money, laugh at you, and come back in 2 years to steal more of your money.

Me Making Fun of Movies You Probably Like (With Pictures!)

Being that we’re in the midst of Superhero Summer at the movies, I thought it might be fun to take a look back at some popular movies, movies that you probably like, and make fun of them (without the aid of talking robots). One caveat is that the movies have to have a reputation for being good or are make so much flippin’ money they are impossible to ignore. Pretty simple.

And for anyone that follows my blog, you will notice I entered 2011 and introduced pictures to the post. So I want to thank Google Images for the assistance, a site that has helped me countless times; for example, I’m no longer curious to see Love and Other Drugs.

If you have any suggestions for popular movies that deserve attention in this blog or think I’m way off base, please input your opinion in the comment section. I plan on making this a fairly regular post (meaning “damn I’m running out of ideas already”). 

1. Juno

My first entry is Juno, a movie that so obviously wanted to be indie that it seemed cheesy. The biggest issue I had with the movie was the overhyped dialogue. Nobody, much less a 16 year-old girl that is dumb enough to get knocked up by Michael Cera (who I’m pretty sure is asexual), talks like Juno. The screenwriter, in case you are not aware, is a former stripper named Diablo Cody. No, seriously. She somehow won an Oscar for this movie, most likely because the Academy is mandated to dole out awards to “feel good” entries so often (unless there’s a Holocaust movie that year…those are first in the mandatory Oscar pecking order). Essentially the only thing I liked about that movie was Juno’s hamburger phone, but even that has lost some of its appeal because it is now available at Urban Outfitters.

(Tangent Alert: Hey Urban Outfitters, if you’re charging $75 for a shirt, how about at least not skimping on the interior design; no, the smell of lumber has never given anyone a fever to buy clothes and marked up copies of A Clockwork Orange).

                        "Hello? Hey, it’s Ellen – Trust me, I have no idea who Kimya Dawson is either"

Yet, this movie received rave reviews, from critics and the public alike. So the question is, am I wrong? The answer at the time was probably yes, but now that Cody has a track record of mediocrity, it’s looking like I was right all along. In 2009 Cody’s second feature was released, a true winner entitled Jennifer’s Body starring the immensely untalented Megan Fox. From what I gathered from the commercials, Fox is some sort of lesbian vampire that eats guys that want to sleep with her. Needless to say, the film was a critical and commercial flop. Cody should have learned her lesson from Juno, that Juno’s popularity was predicated on her being surrounded with talented people, such as director Jason Reitman and actress Ellen Page, who superbly sold the sham of a script. But you aren’t fooling me Cinnamon, er, Diablo. But hey, I guess making bad movies is better than giving the clap to business men at Spearmint Rhino on Wednesday afternoons. So kudos, you are the 21^st century version of the American Dream.

2. Transformers, Revenge of Some Bad Robots that are Trying to Steal Some Oversized Lego so Sam has to Put Something in Optimus Prime’s Chest to Save the World, and, Oh Yeah, he Has to Yell “Bummmmmmmbbbbbbbllllleeeeeeeebeeeeeeeeeeeee” a Lot…Like, a Lot

Hmmmmm, too easy. Let’s try something slightly (emphasis on “slightly”) more challenging…

3. Untitled Shia LaBeouf Project

Which of these names does not belong: Harrison Ford, Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, Shia LaBeouf.

These are names of some prominent actors in Steven Spielberg-involved projects. Hanks is arguably the best actor of his generation. Cruise, though a lunatic, is the definition of a movie star (especially in the 80s). He just has the look. After starring as iconic characters such as Han Solo and Indiana Jones, Ford has cemented himself as one of the best action stars in film history.

Then there’s Shia. He is none of what I just described, yet he is in seemingly every cash cow movie project there is. While Spielberg hasn’t directed Shia as often as the other actors (though he did in Indy 4: Attack of the Aztec Aliens), Shia has been in a number of projects executive produced by Spielberg (Eagle Eye, Transformers, and Disturbia, which I think is based on a Rihanna song).

If there’s a common thread in the above listed Shia-involved movies, it’s that there is nothing original about them. Indiana Jones and Transformers are well established tent pole franchises with no signs of stopping (the latter of which has dialogue that is so bad Diablo Cody would blush (that is, if she wasn’t already blushing while giving some guy – uh – never mind)). Disturbia was literally taken to court because it was believed to be a rip off of Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window. And Eagle Eye…well I’m too lazy to care about Eagle Eye. I’m sure the plot was “original” while still being formulaic enough to take a sucker’s money.

“But Andrew, Indiana Jones is also a franchise yet you don’t blame Harrison Ford,” said the hypothetical reader of this blog. “And Shia helped establish Transformers! Let me guess…you just hate Shia because he is young, rich, and attractive, similar to your Bruno Mars disdain. You’re such a biased tool.”

Fair points. First, Shia LaBeouf is weird looking. Second, Harrison Ford helped establish Indiana Jones with his ability to combine tough guy swagger with unending wit. For as much as Indy may have ridden the coattails of George Lucas’ favorite action films as a kid, that franchise is indebted to Ford (one alternative to Ford was Tom Selleck; yeah I just don’t see that working). As for Transformers, if anything, that movie was carried by Michael Bay and Megan Fox being sexy. You think if the movie was carried by Shia’s acting prowess, it would have given birth to 2 sequels in 4 years?

With Shia LaBeouf, really, take your pick. All of his movies are garbage and that trend doesn’t look to be slowing down (not that he cares; I mean, playing BioShock with Spielberg is pretty legit). When it comes to other prominent Spielberg pets, LaBeouf is clearly not even stevens. 

               You would have won money 10 years ago if you bet this guy would turn out to be an A-List action star

4. Titanic

Rose: “I’ll never let go Jack.”

Jack: “Brrrrrrrrrrrr”

Rose: “Whoops, there ya go. Sweet, now I get the whole door to myself without that plebian weighing me down.”

It’s basically Romeo and Juliet on a boat. However, this movie does deserve credit in two aspects. First, it helped launch the careers of two current Hollywood A-Listers: Billy Zane and Victor Garber. Second, 9 year-old me most likely appreciated the PG-13 nudity. It’s no coincidence I got really into drawing in 4^th grade.

5. Godfather II

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my entry into the Most Overrated Movie of All Time Competition. Before you tear your shirts in anger, hear me out for a minute. On its own, it is a great film, better than 99% of anything coming out today. I have immense respect for Francis Ford Coppola; I think Godfather 1 and Apocalypse Now are two of the ten greatest movies ever made, and I wrote a paper about The Conversation during my last quarter in college (I got an A in case you were wondering; see, I do know what I’m doing sometimes). But GF2 is, speaking in terms relative to its predecessor, just ok. First of all, it’s not entirely a sequel. A solid third of it is a prequel, and an unnecessary one at that. Why should I still care about Vito Corleone, especially after he died in the tomato garden in the first one? I see that as lazy storytelling.

     You would have won money in the 70s if you bet this guy would be in a “Rocky & Bullwinkle” movie in 20 years

Second, I can’t believe a mafia movie set in Lake Tahoe. I just can’t. Where’s the conflict? “Oh, Michael’s Sea-Doo broke so now he’s going to whack someone; in fact, he saw Fredo screwing with the throttle so he’s going to send him on a fishing trip to hell.” Lake Tahoe is hardly gritty enough for crime. Trust me, I’ve been there several times. The closest thing to crime I’ve seen is a bear stealing trash outside my hotel window. Stick to New York, mafia movies.

Lastly, and this is more of a hindsight reason, GF2 was the origin of Scent of a Women and Heat Pacino, which is the Pacino that just mails in the performance, a-la LeBron James (probably a bad comparison because Pacino is still actually visible on screen), collects his money, and starts screaming for no apparent reason. Most Pacino movies I’ve seen after GF2 are like that. Sometimes it works (Dog Day Afternoon) and other times not so much (Two for the Money).

However, I must admit that I’m probably a moron on this entry. After all, I’m the guy that didn’t like GF1 or Pulp Fiction the first time but now I love them. So when I rewatch GF2 and love it, I will dutifully confess my sins.

***

A couple days ago I wasn’t planning on doing a special section like this.

But that was until I heard one of stars of Jackass', Ryan Dunn, died in a car accident.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to get weepy on you. This isn’t a tribute, per se. I wasn’t sad when hearing about Dunn’s death. I have no emotional attachment to him. I’ve merely seen his often hilarious antics from the Jackass archives.

Dunn wasn’t even one of the top 5 most famous cast members (trailing Knoxville, Pontius, Steve-O, Wee Man, Bam, and probably Bam’s parents), but his best known bit is among the most well-known Jackass stunts.

For anyone that cares about the future of movies (as I do), you are concerned with the endless remakes and sequels and general lack of ingenuity in Hollywood. It’s a pleasant surprise when something is original AND good. But it shouldn’t be. The fives movies I wrote about in this post made this list probably because I have issues with their versions of originality.

Say what you will about Jackass and Dunn, but taking a Hot Wheels car, putting it in a condom, then shoving said condom up one’s ass all for the sake of comedy is, if nothing else, pretty freaking original. Whether you want to read that stunt as a satire of media overexposure or read it as a disgusting, irresponsible act, it’s impossible to forget. And for anyone that cares about movies, that’s all we ask. We want to see something we’ve never seen on screen before, and we don’t want to forget it.

Jackass, with Dunn helping, accomplished that on a fairly regular basis. It’s been years since Jackass’ run on TV met its end, but those that grew up with it can still name off lists and lists of their favorite stunts. Stunts that were dangerous and pushed the boundaries of what TV and film can do.

Plus, Dunn’s stunt is something I would happily perform in lieu of watching a Shia LaBeouf movie.