If you have even the slightest amount of nerd in you, you are well aware that this week is Shark Week on Discovery Channel. Airing every summer, Shark Week has become a phenomenon of sorts; I was shocked to find out that this summer tradition is older than me. For whatever reason, sharks, like dinosaurs, are creatures that capture our imaginations as children and our curiosity with them festers well into adulthood. Discovery has banked on Shark Week for 2 decades. It’s an easy way to fill a week of programming (“what you say? We have an open time slot for 1am? I don’t know, just throw that one with the jumping sharks on there. Everyone loves a good jumping shark”). HDTVs have made watching the sharks even more spectacular than in the past.
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| If the shark did this 18 years ago, we could have avoided Andre |
Also this week, to less fanfare, is Mob Week on AMC. Essentially, the week is devoted to showing old mob movies that we’ve all seen countless times. It also helps that each Godfather is so damn long that running a marathon of the 3 GF installments could kill quite literally 12 hours of time slots.
Having a week long theme is nothing new for cable TV. Sometimes, networks take advantage of October to showcase their scarier fare (AMC does this with the Halloween movies; I think I’ve seen Halloweens 4 and 5 in their entirety, but never in one sitting; rather, it’s been about a 10 year process, but I’ve learned that if wells won’t even kill little Timmy, they sure as hell won’t kill Michael Myers). December is obviously reserved for Christm – er – Holiday programming.
But why stop there? Below are some of my ideas for weeklong themes for prominent cable networks. And no, I’m not including a “Actual Music on MTV Week” because that joke should have died 10 years ago.
Comedy Central: Shows that Don’t Involve People Named Stewart, Colbert, Tosh, or Cartman Week
Hope everyone likes Jay & Silent Bob and Van Wilder, because they’re going to be on this week. A lot.
GSN: Long Microphone Week
Homage to classic game show hosts that used the phallic-inspired long microphone. Special attention will be given to Bob Barker and Gene Rayburn. Though the Walking Sexual Harassment Charge (aka Richard Dawson) will not be hosting any show this week, he will make many appearances on Match Game. He’ll be the one whispering sweet nothings into the ear of a blonde contestant with a tight sweater.
CNN: Anderson
CNN will send their most famous reporter to exotic locations around the world and ask him to make love to the camera for an hour. Watch as Anderson
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| Anderson Cooper: American Hero |
FOX News: “Look! There’s still a war going on! And the economy hasn’t improved at all!” Week
MSNBC: “War, what war? Oh, and isn’t free health care great! And no, Rachel Maddow is not a dude…we think” Week
Lifetime: It’s Only Fashionable if Your Husband is in the Military Week
“It’s always important to accessorize. I’ll take the strapping Marine. Front lines, you say? Even better! I can milk 4 episodes of tears with that!”
OWN: Feast on Your Soul Week
Pretty simple concept. You watch, Oprah harvests your soul and gives it to Dr. Phil, Rachel Ray and Dr. Oz for sustenance.
LPTV (owned and operate by yours truly): Parenthesis (Week)
We explore how parenthesis aid writers (and also provide a lazy way for them to interject thoughts that have no real reason for being in the text, but are used anyway (mostly because verbose writers don’t know how to keep their thoughts concise (and they see everything they think of as important to their writing (it’s tough to say if this is arrogance or not (but it is most certainly distracting (to(the(rea(der))))))))).
Food Network: Giada de Laurentiis Week
Just because she’s really hot.
Cinemax: “Who are we kidding? Let’s just play soft core porn all day” Week
Showtime: HBO-Inspired Inferiority Complex Week
“Yeah, HBO’s good, but Showtime is where edgy TV comes to play! Dexter anyone? Hasn’t been good in 3 years you say? Well how ‘bout Weeds? United States of Tara ?! Yeah Diablo Cody created it, so what? Wait wait wait wait, please don’t cancel your subscript – damn…”
ESPN: West Coast Week
The week the suits at ESPN decide to only talk about and broadcast west coast related games. This means no Yankees, Red Sox, Cowboys, Phillies, Knicks, Eagles, Duke, Ohio State
ESPNU: Best of USC Athletic Scandals Week
Could be its own network.
G4: Loss of Virginity Week
G4 elects to air nothing in order to encourage their demographic to go out and lose their virginity. It will be interesting to see if that or Ninja Warrior is more impossible.
Travel Channel: Fat Guy Eats More Food in 1 Hour Than Zimbabwe
Alternative title: “Why Every Country Wants to Bomb Us Week”
Bravo: Top Millionaire Model Genius on the D List Runway Week
Reality show where all the contestants run around, yell, act obnoxious, and get judged by a rich bald guy. Basically also the premise of every Real Housewives episode.
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| I'm as surprised as you are this guy has made two consecutive posts |
E!: Ryan Seacrest Goes on Vacation Week
This could end up backfiring. Since Seacrest seemingly has his hand in everything at E!, the programming could turn into a real mess without his entrepreneurial presence. But, then again, Kim Kardashian is used to cleaning up messes on camera. It’s just usually with Ray J.
Oxygen: Ironically, If You’re a Dude Our Programming May Suffocate You Week
ID: Sigmund Freud Week
(ha, see what I did there?)
SyFy: Correct Spelling is Optional Week
Nick: Watching Spongebob in a Real Nickelodeon is Way Less Fun Week
Can 100-year-old popcorn kill you? Tune in to find out!
Discovery Health: Emergency Surgeries for Idiots That Stick Cameras in Sharks’ Faces Week
LOL.
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Will recommend.
Always good.
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I thought Giada was hot until I found out that she's about 5'1 and every girl under 5'4 that I've been with made me feel like I was their lurching father. That gets real weird real fast.
ReplyDeleteFX: "The Fully Baked Chick Talks In Her Sexy Russo-Brooklyn Accent Week."
CNBC: "Let's Celebrate our Inability to Predict Even the Most Obvious Financial Trends Week."
C-SPAN: "Politicians Finally Feel Guilty for Being Self-Serving BS Artists and Commit On-Camera Mass Suicide Week."
NIce Andrew! I think there should be a week where Steve, Lucy, and Jillian from Good Day L.A. must where sombreros and pseudo-mustachios while on the air. It would add to the irony of what a nonsensical news show it really is. Although Steve at least has his senses, however decrepit they are.
ReplyDeleteFuelTV: A bunch of hillbillies do hillbilly things week, even if it is surfing and skateboarding. Odds are, someone's going to lose teeth!
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