Red Rifles and Red Contacts: NFL Wild Card Weekend

In my last post, I mentioned that my next post would be New Years-related. I lied, nobody cares about New Years anymore.

Back in November, I began a series in which I write about the myth of east coast sports fans being superior to west coast sports fans, under the premise it would be in 3 parts. I lied. I’m done with that, for a couple of reasons. First, I really liked part 1 and in hindsight feel any more elaboration would be redundant. Second, it stopped being timely like 6 weeks ago.

So my apologies for the flakiness. Even though this is a personal hobby and I don’t get paid, I still like to finish what I start.

But, the benefit is with 2012, I’m off to a fresh start and not tied down with past promises. With that said, I’m about to commit myself to a post for the next month.

In sifting through some past posts for this blog, I realized I have not written about the NFL at all. When I write about sports, it appears, I tend to stick to baseball because it’s my favorite and I’m probably the most knowledgeable about it. But I watch a ton of NFL as well.

This season was the first time I seriously played fantasy football, and if you ask anyone I played with, I was obsessed. Much of my days were consumed with trying to trade for players I didn’t own. Much of that is because I had a crappy, Pittsburgh Pirates-type draft. But much of that is also because I have a problem. As of the last 5-ish weeks of the season, I only had 1 guy on my roster that I drafted (Michael Turner, who is red for a reason that I will explain latter). And even though I wasted a first round pick on Michael Vick, I still managed to advance to my league’s championship, where I was promptly crushed.

Countless hours were spent ruminating trade scenarios, trying to figure out who I should pluck off the waiver wire because they could break out a few weeks down the line (Ben Tate FTW), fretting while watching the real-life games on Sunday, and praying to the football deities that Maurice Jones-Drew won’t be downgraded to Questionable. And I lost. It was all pointless. And yet, I’ll do it again next year.

The day I use a draft board for fantasy football is also the day I will be single

So why am I telling you this? Because with the playoffs starting, I’m looking forward to watching football like a normal person, with no pretend team implications. But with the aid of fantasy, I’m probably more knowledgeable about the NFL than I have been before.

To test my knowledge, I’m going to pick the playoff games through the Super Bowl. Also, if a player is highlighted in red, it’s because they screwed me over one way or another in fantasy and I want them 

thrown into a fiery pit for eternity. With snakes. And Russell Brand.

On to the picks. 

Bengals at Texans, sponsored by Ten Gallon Hats and Fast Food

The least interesting game of the weekend, brought to you by 2 of the least interesting franchises in the sport. Even Cincinnati doesn’t find their team particularly interesting; their season finale against division rival Baltimore required a Buy One Get One Free ticket promotion to sell out. And this was a game the Bengals needed to win! *

* Or not, because they didn’t and made the playoffs anyway because Kansas City and San Diego also won. Or something. I propose rock-paper-scissors take the place of traditional tiebreakers. Screw strength of victory, let’s see some Roshambo (but not the one where you kick each other in the balls, thought it would be admittedly awesome to watch Phillip Rivers and Tim Tebow kick each other in the balls)!

The Bengals are led by rookie QB Andy Dalton, who looks destined to be a ginger Alex Smith**, and stud rookie WR AJ Green, who looks destined to leave Cincinnati when his rookie contract expires. In the backfield is the unremarkable Cedric Benson, who averaged only 3.9 yard per carry on the season. The defense has suffered since the loss of Cornerback Leon Hall to a season-ending Achilles injury in November. His replacement? None other than Adam “Pacman” Jones, whose one legitimate skill since being drafted is that he leads the NFL in Making It Rain (MIR). Other than that, he likes to get lost in coverage, and eat cherries, pretzels and sometimes ghosts, but only after they turn blue.

** Dalton’s nickname is the Red Rifle. I think that might also be a euphemism for an aroused male dog. The more you know.

Houston has been one of the more snakebitten teams this season. Star LB Mario Williams was lost for the season, RB Arian Foster missed substantial time at the start of the year, WR Andre Johnson injured both hamstrings and missed most of the year***, and QBs Matts Schaub and Leinart suffered season-ending injuries in consecutive games. 

*** Because he’s a dick.

Oh, screw you

Still though, the defense is solid behind LB Brian “I’m Not the Type to Use Steroids, Only Except This Time I Was” Cushing and free agent acquisition CB Jonathan Joseph. The running game is good with Foster and Ben Tate, and it’s just a little too obvious that the Bengals are going to win this game. They took advantage of an easy schedule, and they face a Houston team that will play in front of a pumped up, Jack Daniels/jalapeno popper-fueled crowd that has been waiting for Houston’s first playoff game for 10 years.

The Texans may have a boatload of injury problems, but Johnson’s return, provided he is healthy, should spread the field for Foster, who runs behind a terrific run block scheme led by Offensive Tackle Eric Winston, and provide rookie QB T.J. Yates a much-needed downfield weapon. And even with the injuries, are the Bengals really better than the Texans at anything? The passing game is decent, but Joseph should help neutralize Green and the pass rush should bother the rookie Dalton.

My pick: I nod off at least 3 times during this field goal fest

My actual pick: 17-16, Houston

Steelers at Broncos, sponsored by King James

If you’re looking for an upset this weekend, keep looking. Yes we’ve all heard about the magic of Tebow and all the unicorns he creates and all the football games he wins because he’s “gritty” and “a leader.” But the fact of the matter is, if Marion Barber stays inbounds OR holds onto the ball in Week 14, the Broncos aren’t playing this weekend. The truth is, during the “magical” Broncos win streak, they A) didn’t play anybody good, and B) were kept in games by the Von Miller-led defense.

And then Tom Brady and the Patriots waltzed into Denver in Week 15, kicked little Timmy’s ass, and now the Broncos are spiraling because the defense stopped playing well. And since Tebow sucks*, there’s nothing really the Broncos can do about it.

* Like, he’s the worst QB I’ve ever seen. His one redeemable skill is that he can run, but even that backfires sometimes. He’s notorious for turning 5 yard loss sacks into larger sacks. Like this: 

Then you have the Steelers, who in an injury-ravaged down year still won 12 games and are still probably one of the best 5 or 6 teams in the sport. They’ll be without leading tackler and Safety Ryan Clark because the Steelers would prefer he didn’t die in a game they won’t need him. They’ll also be without RB Rashard Mendenhall for the duration of the playoffs after suffering a knee injury in Week 17. This shouldn’t be a huge issue, though, as Mendenhall had an unspectacular season and Isaac Redman is a serviceable backup ** that simply lacks the big name cachet of Mendenhall. Ben Roethlisberger is still recovering from an ankle injury, but will still play.

** If you care for elaboration, read this Bill Barnwell piece from Grantland. Scroll to the section titled “Mendenhall for Naught.”

The Steelers’ strength is their passing game, anyway. Young, speedy wideouts Mike Wallace and Antonio Brown should expose an overrated Champ Baily and a relatively weak Broncos secondary. Another geriatric defensive back, Safety Brian Dawkins, likely will not suit up for the game due to injury. Wallace and Brown are perfect compliments: Wallace, maybe the fastest WR in football, is the deep guy, opening things up underneath for Brown, who also has big play ability.

If Von Miller and Elvis Dumervil aren’t able to put pressure and, more importantly since he makes so many plays outside the pocket, sack Ben Roethlisberger, it’s going to be a long day for Tebow and the Miracles.  Pittsburgh defensive coordinator Dick LaBeau loves to blitz (and guys like James Harrison and Troy Polamalu are quite good at it; OLB LaMarr Woodley will also be back for Pittsburgh), making Tebow’s already weak passing skills an even greater liability. For the Broncos to win, RB Willis McGahee needs to have the game of his life. It ain’t happening.

The only reason I’m not picking a bigger blowout is because of Roethlisberger’s high ankle sprain and Denver’s ability to drain the clock when on offense.

My pick: 4 Steelers are smote

My actual pick: 24-6, Pittsburgh

Lions at Saints, sponsored by the cute narrative that a football team’s success helps rebuild a city after catastrophe

These two played in Week 13 in the Superdome, and the Saints won 31-17, although it didn’t feel that close. The problem for the Lions is that what they do well, the Saints do better. A lot better. And the weaknesses the Saints have can’t really be exploited by the Lions.

Thusly, the Saints gave up 5.0 YPC on the season; the Lions don’t really have a running game, finishing 29^th in total yards on the ground. The one competent RB the Lions have, Kevin Smith, is so brittle that I wouldn’t be surprised if he was related to the Samuel L. Jackson character from Unbreakable.

So the Lions, led by QB Matthew Stafford and the best WR on the planet, Calvin Johnson, will need to throw the ball to keep up with the Saints. And throw. And throw.

The problem with that, of course, is that Drew Brees is the Saints QB, and he’s in the discussion for best QB of the past decade. He just threw for 5,476 yards on the season, nearly 400 yards clear of Dan Marino’s 27 year-old record. He also threw 46 TDs (with only 14 INT) and possesses a wide array of offensive weapons at his disposal, including breakout star Tight End Jimmy Graham (who broke the most receiving yards for a TE in NFL history record until Patriots TE Rob Gronkowski broke that record a mere hours later) and RB Darren Sproles, who broke the NFL record for most all-purpose yards (rushing + receiving + return yards). The Saints also employ an underrated running game with 4 capable backs (Sproles, Mark Ingram, Chris Ivory, Pierre Thomas), and although they don’t run as 

often as other teams, they still racked up 4.9 YPC on the season, good for 4^th in the NFL.

So yeah, the Saints offense is pretty decent.

Meanwhile, the Lions strength is in their pass rush, led by Ndamukong Suh, Cliff Avril, and Kyle Vanden Bosch, who judging by the below picture looks like he has something inside of him that Tebow would try to exorcise. However, the Saints have one of the stronger offensive lines in the league. Three of their linemen will represent the NFC in the Pro Bowl (Tackle Jermon Bushrod * and Guards Jahri Evans and Carl Nicks). And even if the Pro Bowl is the bastard of All-Star Games, it’s still damn impressive to send 3 offensive linemen.

* Tee-hee

Drew Brees sees your un-intimidating contact lenses, and raises you 6 TD passes

 Suh’s presence probably won’t be felt all that much anyway with the Saints strong protection**. And even with good players on Detroit’s defensive line, you can still run on them, to the tune of 5 yards per carry on the year.

** Also provided he doesn’t curb stomp Roger Goodell before the game.

I like Detroit to get their fair share of points. But I like New Orleans to get an even fairer share of the points pie. Also, expect Detroit to make a few dumbass penalties throughout the game. The group is woefully undisciplined under hot-head coach Jim Schwartz (8.0 penalties per game, third worst rate in the NFL), and if New Orleans goes up early and gets the crowd going, Detroit may just Unsportsmanlike Conduct their way out of the playoffs.

My pick: 512-21, New Orleans

My actual pick: 41-21, New Orleans

Falcons at Giants, sponsored by East Coast Bias

This game is the toughest for me to figure out. I really want to pick the Falcons so I at least would have picked one underdog this weekend, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Atlanta has enough offensive firepower to hang with the Giants behind QB Matt Ryan, resurgent TE Tony Gonzalez, and WRs Roddy White and Julio Jones, but I think that’s part of the problem.

The myth of the Falcons is that they have a good running game. But if you’ve ever watched Michael Turner, you know that isn’t totally true. Turner did finish 3^rd in rushing, with a respectable 4.5 YPC, and scored 11 TDs. But I think he sucks. And maybe I’m just bitter because I owned him all season in fantasy and whenever I watched him, it seemed like he would get stuffed at the line of scrimmage 9 plays in a row, then break free for 15 yards (after writing this, I read somewhere that Turner was tackled behind the line of scrimmage more than any other RB; I just don’t remember where I read that). Turner’s long runs, I think, masked his decline. He’s 29, ancient for a RB, with a lot of mileage since being in Hotlanta.* He looks slow and can’t beat anyone to the outside anymore. If the Falcons are to beat the Giants, they will need a more balanced attack.

* I just realized white people shouldn’t be allowed to say “Hotlanta.” Scratch that, nobody should be allowed to say “Hotlanta.”

Because even if Atlanta scores points against a weak Giants secondary, it’s unlikely their mediocre defense will be able to contain Eli Manning and his talented trio of receivers (breakout star Victor Cruz, Hakeem Nicks, Mario Manningham).

Like I said, the Giants secondary is bad, but their pass rush is other worldly. Atlanta’s mediocre offensive line will need to contain Justin Tuck, Osi Umenyiora, and All-Pro Jason Pierre-Paul, QB menace and field goal blocker extraordinaire. If those guys can pressure Ryan and collect some knockdowns and sacks, the Giants should be able to squeak out a victory. Who knows, it’s the playoffs, maybe the game turns on a Umenyiora stripsack or something. 

"One, Two, JPP's coming for you"

Here’s where Turner would have helped. Runs and play-action passes could have helped alleviate the pressure Ryan will face. But Turner isn’t good enough anymore, and I think the Falcons know it. The Falcons know to have a shot, they are going to have to throw 40 times this game because Turner won’t give them what they need. If Turner is on the field, that generally means Atlanta is running; he is worthless catching the ball and not great at pass protection.  So the Giants can load the box and shut him down. If Jason Snelling or Jacquizz Rodgers are on the field? It’s all hands on deck for Atlanta, because the Giants are coming. And since their pass rush is so good, they rarely need to blitz, allowing more guys to cover the Atlanta pass catchers. If the running game isn’t working, I expect Atlanta to run some screen plays for the dynamic rookie Rodgers, to help shake off the pass rush.

The key to the game will be how Atlanta’s pass protection holds up. If they play up to snuff, I like Atlanta in a minor upset. If not, I like the Giants to make a few more defensive plays than Atlanta, which will propel them to victory and a Divisional Round date with Green Bay.

Basically, have fun while it lasts, New York.

My pick: That I won’t say “Hotlanta” ever again

My actual pick: 28-27, New York

Thanks for reading. Enjoy the games and I’ll be back next week.

And Some Diamonds Might be Nice Too: Mariah's Relentless Christmas Song

You may not know this, but there are really only 8 different Christmas songs and they’ve all been covered approximately 1 million times each. 

There are 2 different genres of Christmas music. There’s the “Christmas is so awesome!” (think “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”) genre and “Oh crap that’s right the holiday is about Jesus, time to act somber” (think “Silent Night”) genre. Songs like “Joy to the World” are outliers because they’re festive AND try to care more about Jesus than the new Sony flat screen under the tree. Whoever wrote “Joy to the World” is an overachiever.

Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” definitely falls in the festive category. You don’t even have to listen to the song; you just have to look at Carey to know she’s more likely to kiss Santa Claus than buy some frankincense at the local Bloomingdale’s.

If you have to access to a radio, then you know that “All I Want for Christmas is You” has been a holiday staple since it debuted in 1994, when Carey was at the height of her powers. Sure she’s had some hits this decade and stayed in the public eye after marrying the little drummer boy from Drumline, but this song guarantees that for about 5 weeks a year, Carey will be raking in cash and staying relevant until she dies.

There’s nothing wrong with the song, per se. I suppose for Christmas songs it’s decent, but the fact that it is literally inescapable is the infuriating thing.* For me, the opening bell rings don’t signal 4 minutes of yuletide fun, but a harbinger of over saturated Christmas doom.

*Case in point: my car is a piece of crap and I can’t listen to the radio because something went wrong with the speakers; and even I have heard the song at least 20 times the last 2 weeks. 

So, what makes this song so popular? It’s actually probably just because it was released at a time when people still bought CDs, so everyone bought it. And, again, there are 8 different Christmas songs and nobody wants to cover this Mariah song. Instead we just try to one-up a dead Nat King Cole; I’m looking at you, Michael Bubble (spelling mine). So Mariah is, relative to her contemporaries, original.

I decided that I’m going to forgo my usual holiday post, the one where I write about stuff about that holiday that bugs me**, and take a look at the lyrics for “All I Want for Christmas is You” to see if I’m missing any magic or something.

** People that write “CHRISTmas,” people that get offended when you say “Merry Christmas,” being less excited about opening presents because you’re old, perfectly good baked goods that are ruined by walnuts, “Feliz Navidad,” David Stern unleashing his totalitarian wrath on the Lakers and making me dread the first game, people joking we’re celebrating the birth of Tim Tebow (it stopped being funny after about 10 minutes)

In case you are one of the blessed few that hasn’t heard this song, here’s a home video quality music video where Mariah plays in the snow with a grabby, probably homeless Santa. Enjoy:

“I don't want a lot for Christmas”

Funny, because that’s what small children in Africa say, too. Amazing that impoverished third world children share the same desires as multi-millionaire recording artists. Of course, they usually follow the phrase with “but some clean water might be nice,” but please, continue.

“There is just one thing I need”

 Man, don’t you hate it when your botox wears off?

“I don't care about the presents / Underneath the Christmas tree”

 Yeah, um, no, that’s a lie. Every guy knows that when they ask their girlfriend or wife what she wants for Christmas and replies with “oh nothing, just spending time with you,” they’re lying. If you show up empty handed to present opening and say “I didn’t get you anything, you said you didn’t want anything,” it’s going to be a cold Christmas night on the couch.

Imagine in the Carey household, Nick Cannon doesn’t so much as get her a signed copy of The Nick Cannon Show DVDs or a lock of Piers Morgan’s hair; she would be pissed! She would be one butterfly that he isn’t catching for at least a week.

I think if we take this lyric literally, Mariah is being completely honest in that she doesn’t give a crap about the presents under the tree. But that’s because Nick better have bought her a Bentley that doesn’t fit under the tree.

“I just want you for my own”

“Sure, of course baby” – Nick Cannon

/sweating

 “More than you could ever know”

 I might be reading into it too much, but this sounds like a threat.

 “Make my wish come true / All I want for Christmas / Is you”

(to the tune) “And some diamonds might be / nice too”

“I don't need to hang my stocking / There upon the fireplace”

 Because that’s what poor people do.

 “Santa Claus won't make me happy / With a toy on Christmas Day”

 Unless the toy is a new handbag. Then yeah, Santa Claus would totally make me happy.

 “Oh I won't ask for much this Christmas / I won't even wish for snow”

  

Guys, is this what it has come to? We can’t just buy all sorts of crap, but now we have to command the weather. “Um, gee I hate to bother you God, but you think you can make it snow? Yeah I bought my girlfriend a pony except it’s going to waste unless it’s snowing when I give it to her. It would be great if it could be 70 degrees too, she hates the cold.”

Thanks babe, I won’t worry about trying to deliver a magical snowy morning.

“And I'm just gonna keep on waiting / Underneath the mistletoe”

 That’s good, keep practicing. Few more years of collagen and your lips will be permanently puckered.

“I won't make a list and send it / To the North Pole for Saint Nick”

Dear Santa, I’ve been real good this year. Like you asked, I haven’t made a sequel to Glitter. All I want for Christmas is (you) for my Christmas album to start playing in mid-November. I know you previously said that making the Christmas season longer would dilute the specialness of Christmas, but I want to spread joy to the masses. Also, can you prevent Burl Ives’ birth? He’s stealing my airplay. Love, Mariah.

“Oh all the lights are shining / So brightly everywhere / And the sound of children's / Laughter fills the air”

That is, she hears the children laughing when she sees them for the designated 15 minutes per day before the nanny resumes child-raising duties. Man, twins must be hard.

“And everyone is singing / I hear those sleigh bells ringing” 

I think that’s just the band trying to play you off, but sure.

   
“Santa won't you bring me the one I really need? Won't you please bring my baby to me?”

Wait, when did this song turn into the plot for Planes, Trains and Automobiles: Female Perspective. Sorry Mariah, but if your baby isn’t home for the holidays, he’s probably just not that into. I guess you should have shed that baby weight earlier.

And when did Santa become Special-Ops? So the guy is in charge of reading letters from kids around the world, judging their gift receiving merits, employing elves to work in his sweat – er – workshop, training reindeer to fly, and NOW he has to find the guy you hooked up with at the 1996 American Music Awards after party because you’re lonely on Christmas? If I was Santa I would’ve retired long ago.

***

The song basically just repeats itself the rest of way and I didn’t want to listen to anymore, lest my ears bleed.

It’s an admittedly catchy tune and it will admittedly be stuck in my head for the rest of the day since I just listened to it about 5 times. As far as Christmas songs go, it’s not that bad.

My hypothesis is that this song’s success is primarily because it isn’t boring. It isn’t Nat King Cole or Elvis or that crap that Generation X’ers grew up to listening to because that’s what they’re parents listened to. It is a hip song, relatively. Though that’s a ridiculous thing to say but when you’re competing with “Frosty the Snowman,” it isn’t exactly saying much.

Whether you love or loathe this song, try to remember the most important part of Christmas this year. No, not spending time with family, but the start of the NBA season. Even if you’re a Lakers fan, take solace knowing all the Clippers fans will dissipate quickly when Blake Griffin concusses himself on the rim.

Have a merry Christmas and I will probably be back next week for something New Years related. 

Meh, she can't be worse than Metta World Peace

My Impersonation of a Yelp Reviewer

It was a blustery Friday evening as we pulled into the parking lot of a new hamburger restaurant that just opened up in the local strip mall. I sometimes enjoy the freshness a cool breeze provides. Wind, like water (and fire), gives me a sense of renewal and purity, something I feel I lose touch with after spending the better part of the day searching for lost Jenna Jameson footage on my computer. But now, with the rain (or was it wind?), I feel at peace with my inner being. My yin has been yanged. My Confucius has been sayed. My pallet is cleansed and ready for my meal, and my readers on this highly trafficked website are eager to read my astute points of view of this new establishment when they need a break from searching for “legal asian teens.”

I should also mention earlier in the evening I talked to my mom on the phone. These conversations always delight me. After such conversations, I feel cleansed and ready to review restaurants. She asked how I was doing. I said “fine.” She asked if I was still with that one nice girl she liked. I said “yes.” She said she had to go because Wheel of Fortune was coming on. I said “Ok.” Then she hung up. What insight my mother has!

Now, I know you, fine and diligent Yelp reader, have a great appetite for internet literature and could read my musings for hours and not care less if you ever read any discernable opinions about the restaurant I visited. Ay, I know ye. But, as you have an appetite for my prose, I have an appetite to share my recordings of this establishment.

As previously stated, the wind was calm when arriving to the parking lot. My heart was dismayed when I could not find a valet anywhere. Am I to just park my orange ’95 Civic just anywhere? Amongst commoners? Oh, dear reader, please do not be too alarmed; you will be pleased to know my Civic, which I’ve named Betsy, was quite alright.

Now, after selecting a spot for my auto (which was quite difficult, because a tornado had passed through just 15 minutes, nay, 10 minutes prior, strewing refuse about) on this beautiful day in which no tornados passed through, I, being the gentlemen I am, opened the door for my lady…or at least I would have if one existed. Perchance, loyal followers, one of you is single?

Oh foolish heart! I apologize readers; you are probably too enthralled with this review to succumb to passions of the heart and loins. Such trivialities should not interfere with the tenuous business at hand!

After struggling against the hurricane-force winds, I finally reach the door of the establishment. And, might I say, my visceral reactions before entering were challenged.

The décor, upon entering, was so obviously modeled in the Norweigian architecture movement of the 1810s, a movement spearheaded by Henrik Ibsen, Ingmar Bergman, and Teemu Selanne, 3 of history’s most esteemed Norwegians. The ornate interior was highlighted by a giant, pastel castle. Oddly, the area surrounding the castle was inhabited primarily by children. Foul beasts, them all.

Prior to ordering my meal, I decide to relieve myself in the restroom. My disappointment upon entering must have been palpable for the other guests. The dank room reeked of, if I’m being polite, human waste, which was somewhat tempered by a Glade Plug-in (lavender, if memory serves). After doing my business, I was dismayed that rather than the Dyson Airblade*, there was another similar yet woefully ineffective hand dryer. Despite standing at the mechanism for 30 seconds, the lukewarm air emanating from the device did little to dry my hands. Minus one star for that alone. Exiting the latrine, I noticed on a sign-in sheet that it had been last cleaned 6 hours prior by a gentlemen named Marco (who I presumed is the maître d).

*Breaking character for a moment….those things are effing awesome.

I return from the rest facility and sit down at my table, which I had to scout out for myself because Marco was nowhere to be found. When no waitress came to ask for my order, I walked to the front of the room to ask why I had not been seated or served.

A young girl with an exotic name, Samantha I believe, said she was sorry with a puzzled look and said she could take my order here.

“Standing up?!” I exclaim in a horrified manner. But, I am one for avant-garde dining experiences, so maybe this facility will start the newest dining trend. I make my purchase and receive my food (in record time!) and proceed back to my table, which an ethnic looking women in possession of a baby stroller has since taken. I do not bother with the nomad and decide to find my own table.

Now, dear reader, we must briefly part ways. Imagine that now I am eating my meal, consisting of a cheeseburger and golden potato sticks Samantha called “french fries.” I’m not sure how the French would feel about such food, but I figure that now, while I eat, you would read this monologue from Shakespeare’s As You Like It, set in France:

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard;
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper’d pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything."

Oh Jacques, what a character. Methinks he would make for an excellent Yelp critic.

After eating my meal, I must say I was quite disappointed. For the astounding sum of $5, it is fair for a man to assume a lavish, 3-course meal. Alas, dear reader, it appears that I have been taken advantage of by the money-making beast. Gone are the days when restaurants would welcome weary travelers with open arms and provide them a satisfying meal for a reasonable fare.

The cheeseburger had all the essentials of a cheeseburger. It was indeed all there. Patty, ketchup, cheese, bun, pickles, onions.

Aren’t you glad you read on? Where else can you get such insight?

The French fries were salted and fried.

I promise you, I did not steal such findings from other reviewers. Nay, they likely will steal these discoveries from me.

Despite my meal having all the proper components I paid for, I still have this nagging desire to complain. I mean, colleagues have told me the sum I paid is pretty standard for what I received. But I’m going to deduct a star anyway because of the (DON’T FORGET TO INSERT BIG WORD).

The food was good, about what I expected, but still….minus 1 star.

After also deducting stars for the latrine situation and the lack of valet parking, that leaves 1 star. But, I must admit I was impressed by the whimsical decoration. So, I must add half a star. All told, my final tally for the restaurant was 1.5/5 stars.

As I strolled outside into the heavy snowfall, I began to ponder if eating out was even worth it. I mean, if I find so many things I don’t enjoy about the experience, why bother? But then I remembered: I have thousands of colleagues on Yelp that loathe everywhere they eat just as much as I do. It is our job, nay, our DUTY to report everything we hate about restaurants, even if they are trivial things nobody really cares about.

I sat in my Civic a long while on that 75 degree evening, thinking about my role in this life. I took out my official Yelp Reviewer identification card and recited the Yelp motto over and over again to myself: “Bitch Just to Bitch.” I felt better, knowing I was doing a great deed for mankind.

As I exited the parking lot, I wondered what my next dining adventure would be. Needless to say, I don’t think I will be going back to McDonald’s again.

Sincerely,

Adam T.

California State Dominguez Hills

Class of 2013, Political Science

East Coast Sports Fans: Why They Suck Just as Much as the Rest of us

The other day I was on Facebook engaging in my usual early afternoon time wasting. I can’t remember the initial post, but a Facebook friend posted something NFL related and the thread turned into several of us making fun of the sudden rise in Packers and Steelers “fans,” especially in the LA area. One of his Facebook friends, in an intentionally smug way, made a comment to the effect of how that is business as usual for Southern California sports fans.

And while I’m not this guy’s friend, I remembered his name from past exchanges and recalled he is a Yankees fan (In his profile picture, he’s also wearing a Yankees hat. I know, I’m a regular ol’ Sherlock). I also recalled that whenever I see this guy comment, he likes to mention how Southern CA sports fans lack “passion,” presumably because we don’t get a hard on every time a our team’s closer walks onto the field and our overrated shortstop makes a jump throw.

Spoiler alert: he throws it into right field

This stereotype is an epidemic in the sports world, a stereotype that ESPN helps perpetuate. Basically, the myth states that unless you are from an east coast region* you are a lousy sports fan. It’s a self-congratulatory circle jerk that is widely accepted without any real evidence.

* It mostly pertains to New York, Boston, Philadelphia. Miami is on the east coast, but nobody would confuse it with a good sports town. Have you seen how many people go to Marlins games?

The schadenfreude that fans across the country lap up whenever the Yankees or Red Sox lose has little to do with our hate for Yankee/Red Sox entity; most of it has to do with our disdain for the obnoxious fans of those teams. I don’t hate anyone on the Yankees. They have many great players that I respect. But I do hate when their fans hold Yankee dominance over fans of other teams and then have the gall to say they are more passionate fans when their Jeter jersey still has the tag on it.

The classic myth is that East Coast sports fans are more loyal than fans of other teams across the country and show undying support for their teams. However, if one were to look at something as simple as attendance for Yankees games or TV ratings for Red Sox games, we would discover that the myth is simply untrue.

You’ll probably hear east coast fans say inane things like “oh we always sell out our stadium and even if there is an asteroid headed straight for home plate we would stay” (even though for a rainy playoff games between the Yankees and Tigers this October I saw plenty of empty seats, but ok whatever). Northeast fans love to boast their undying support of their teams. But many of these fans are new generation fans that seem to think loyalty is simply knowing all the lyrics to “Empire State of Mind” or a Dropkick Murphys song or going to that one bar once on Yawkey Way.

Much of Yankees fandom is based in counting. 27 World Series titles since 1923 is a ridiculous ratio. Who wouldn’t want to cheer for a team that wins 1 World Series every 4 years? Have you seen those T-shirts Yankees fans wear that say “Got Rings?” on the front? The obnoxious punch line is on the back of the shirt, with a picture of 27 championship rings. Spike Lee wears a hat that lists the years of all the Yankees championships, which is ironic and amusing when you consider that Lee, who has dedicated his filmmaking to progressing black ideals and unabashedly depicting black culture for a wider audience, is wearing a hat celebrating 10 World Series championships that occurred before Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier. But hey, all in the name of addition. 

Gross, right? Don't you just want to punch the invisible person wearing this?

Lost in the arithmetic of Yankee accomplishments is the fact that Yankee fans will abandon their team.

The truth is that every fan base, regardless of location, will be only as loyal as their team is successful. Granted, if the Yankees became a last place team their attendance wouldn’t fall to Marlins-type lows. But much of that is because the Yankees are more brand name than baseball team. Their hats are cool/fashionable, their pinstripes classic, and they have a rich history which they will happily exploit. Yet, we don’t have to go far into the past to see the effects a winning Yankees team has on attendance.

From 1989-1992, the Yankees were, indeed, marvelously mediocre and in some cases, just plain bad. The low point came in 1990, when the vaunted Yankees lost 95 games while trotting out guys like the immortal Alvaro Espinoza.** That season, the Yankees ranked 9^th (out of 14) in American League attendance.  Predictably, following such a dismal season, in 1991 the 91-loss Yankees ranked 11^th in attendance.***

** Don Mattingly posted a Jeff Mathis-ian -0.6 WAR.

*** It’s also important to remember that Yankee Stadium held significantly more fans than many other stadiums. After 1970s stadium renovations, The House That Ruth Built While Not Facing Black People could seat about 55,000, about 10,000 more than the current Angel Stadium incarnation. So despite the Red Sox selling out each home game this past season, they only rank 4^th in AL attendance because Fenway only seats about 37,000.

In 1992, another poor team resulted in poor attendance (11/14). It wasn’t until 1993 did Yankee attendance reach respectable levels: 5^th in the American League. What changed between 1992 and 1993? Try 12 more wins and a 2^nd place finish in the AL East.

The Yankees didn’t become the perception of the Yankees until later in the 90s. In 1996, The Yankees won their first World Series since the 70s and pulled in 2.5 million fans. 5 years later, when the Yankees battled for a 4^th straight World Series championship, they pulled in 3.2 million fans. The evolution was complete; in 10 seasons, the Yankees went from 11^th in AL attendance to 2^nd and the only difference was Derek Jeter, 

Mariano Rivera, and 4 World Series championships.

Contrast the Yankees with the Dodgers. Being an Angels fan, I also hate the Dodgers, but they provide for good analysis when comparing the Yankees. The Dodgers are essentially the West Coast version of the Yankees; sexy brand name, rich tradition, New York roots, wide appeal, big market, and above average stadium capacity (currently about 56,000).

Since the Dodgers moved to Los Angeles in 1958, the lowest they’ve ranked in National League attendance was 7^th (out of 16) in 2000, a curious year since they had a pretty good club that won 86 games. Also in that span, the Dodgers have finished tops in National League attendance an astounding 28 times.

And like the Yankees, the Dodgers also bottomed out performance-wise in the early 90s. In 1992, the team lost 99 games, yet still finished 2^nd in NL attendance. Usually after teams play like crap for a season, the attendance suffers the next season; yet, in 1993, the Dodgers actually drew 700,000 more fans, despite being only a .500 team (finished 3^rd in attendance).

Since 2000, the Dodgers have dominated NL attendance, finishing 1^st 5 times. And while the Dodgers have had good clubs, they haven’t been nearly as imposing as the Yankees in that time span (4 playoff appearances to 11 for the Yankees), including losing seasons in 2005 and 2010.

The Dodgers saw a dip in attendance this past season; 10,000 fans less per game than in 2009. Much, if not all of that, was due to Frank McCourt’s mismanagement. The love for the Dodgers was still palpable, but it was hard for Dodgers fans to support the owner. The lagging attendance served as a form of protest. With McCourt and his divorce proceedings, paying fans didn’t want to spend their money if they weren’t certain the money would be invested back into the team.

Now that McCourt is being forced to sell the team, expect the Dodgers to rival the Yankees for attendance despite the lesser product on the field. 

***

The Red Sox aren’t impervious to the bandwagon phenomenon either, despite selling out over 700 consecutive games, a streak that dates back to May 2003. While the media and Red Sox nation loves to focus on the streak (and it is admittedly impressive), I wonder, what changed? If the Sox have such great fans, why doesn’t this streak date back a few millennia? Why doesn’t Moses boast in Genesis about seeing the Sox crush the Mount Sinai Tablets in front of a packed house?

Like the Yankees, the Red Sox started drawing better because they became a powerhouse. Since 2003, the Red Sox have only missed the postseason 3 times, thanks to a payroll that has grown from $100 million to $161 million. The Red Sox consistently attract top dollar free agents, a figure that undoubtedly draws fans that love watching star power.

Additionally, as previously mentioned, the Red Sox have one of the smallest ballparks in baseball. While it’s still difficult to fill up a park that holds 37,000 every night, it’s a lot easier when the team is actually, you know, good. The lack of seats during the past decade has created an increase of demand that works magic when teamed with the low supply. Bandwagoners from all over the country want to come see the Red Sox after their “curse” was broken in 2004. Red Sox brass also wisely kept Fenway Park on the public’s mind when installing seats above the Green Monster in left field, seats that are wildly popular due to their short supply and the novelty of sitting atop the ballpark’s most famous feature. Even if you aren’t able to get tickets to sit on the Monster, many fans were likely drawn in 2004 to simply see the seats. The World Series victory in 2004 did the rest of the leg work to draw attendance.

It also helps Fenway’s case that the park is essentially a tourist spot for baseball fans that visit Boston (the park, opened in 1912, is the oldest park in MLB; it’s a safe bet the Sox will sell out every game next year as ownership pimps out the 100^th anniversary angle). I hate the Red Sox, but I love baseball. And since I’ve been told since I was 5 that Fenway Park is cool, I’ve wanted to go, regardless of the two teams playing. Like Wrigley Field in Chicago, the media and fans romanticize the stadiums, even if it is more for nostalgic purposes than ballpark quality. It’s a self-perpetuating phenomenon that generates attendance in and of itself, regardless of team success. Even if the Red Sox stopped playing well, they will likely be one of MLB’s most desired tickets simply because of the park they play in. It has little to do with how “good” their fans are.

No really Red Sox Nation, you can keep them

 However, there is one place where a declining Red Sox team is visible: TV ratings. In 2010, the Red Sox failed to finish in the top 5 for MLB team ratings for the first time in 5 years, according to Sports Media Watch.**** The Sox ratings fell 38% from 2009 to an average 5.87 rating even though the team only won 6 fewer games. The win difference, however, was enough for the Red Sox to struggle to keep pace with the Tampa Bay Rays and the Yankees throughout the season. It was also enough, apparently, to cause disinterest among fans not going to games.

****The top 5: Cardinals, Twins, Phillies, Reds, Rays. All of them (except Philly) play in middling media markets and all of them (except the Cardinals, who were still good) made the playoffs. Also, notice anyone that didn’t make the list despite making the playoffs? The Yankees.

In a 2010 ESPN blog post, Rob Neyer theorized that the declining ratings can be attributed to several factors. One he cites was a deep playoff run for the Celtics; I don’t buy this because the Celtics won the NBA title in 2008 and the Red Sox still topped MLB in TV ratings (2008 – also the year after the Red Sox won their 2^nd World Series of the decade…just saying). The other two factors Neyer cites are the struggling team as well as a boring offseason after the 2009 season, one in which the Red Sox’ big ticket acquisitions were Adrian Belte and John Lackey (lolololololololololololololol). The two were considered good players (Lackey was at the time, anyway), but hardly stars. 

Spoiler alert: it's a home run

Are Red Sox fans really that shallow? Unless their team is winning 95 games and spending $200 million every offseason they won’t be as interested in the team? Hmm, sounds like every other fan base.

Unless specified, it's safe to assume all factoids were taken from Baseball-Reference.