2012 MLB Preview: All Hail Pujols

Below are my picks for the 2012 MLB season. I'm going to run through them pretty quick; maybe just 3-4 sentences or something. If you remember last year, I spent about 10,000 words predicting the A's would win the division and the Red Sox would waltz to the World Series. While I enjoyed writing that post, I simply don't have the time to dedicate myself to a post that large this year. And at least now when my predictions are rendered comical, I won't feel like I wasted a ton of time.

Bonus this year: since the post is shorter, I'm also including NL teams. I'm admittedly much more knowledgeable to the AL way of life, but I'll give it a go. In October, we can all look back at this and have a good chuckle.

American League

West:

1. Angels - Won 86 games last year, and the additions of Pujols, Chris Iannetta, and CJ Wilson alone could improve the team by 10 games. This is not to mention Kendrys Morales' return and a likely rebound year for Vernon Wells (he can't be worse). Best rotation in the AL. More on these guys later.

2. Rangers - All depends on Yu Darvish. Even though Mike Napoli is a likely regression candidate*, the offense is still a juggernaut. If Darvish is the ace everyone projects him to be, this already strong team won't have a weakness.

* As an Angels fan, I watched him plenty of times. He wasn't THAT good.

3. Mariners - Solid Felix Hernandez-Jesus Montero-Dustin Ackley core. If Justin Smoak achieves some of his potential, could be a competitive team in a couple years. Just not this year.

4. A's - Can you say fire sale? No Academy Awards for Moneyball and a possible 100-loss season. If you're a chair, you best stay away from Billy Beane this year. Though the A's did do a nice job selling off assets and turning a mediocre farm system into a very good one.

Dude, c'mon, he even makes visors look good.

Central:

1. Tigers - Almost by default because I don't love this team. Prince is worth MAYBE two wins more than Victor Martinez. The infield defense could be historically bad with Miguel Cabrera's move to third. Regression candidates abound (Valverde, who sucks and proves why Saves are a meaningless stat; Fister; and yes, even reigning Cy Young/MVP Justin Verlander to an extent). Yet, best team in a mediocre division.

2. Indians - Sleeper team with good groundball staff and promising young players. If Shin-Soo Choo rebounds and Carlos Santana continues to develop, could give the Tigers a race.

3. Royals- The youth movement continues. Eric Hosmer looks as good as advertised and Alex Gordon finally had a breakout season, but a rough spring for the kids. Young, promising catcher Salvador Perez will miss at least half the season with a torn meniscus and closer Joakim Soria is out for the year due to Tommy John surgery. Likely won't contend, but could be interesting. Weak starting pitching (the Luke Hochevar thing is still happening?) means they're probably a year or two away.

4. Twins - I expect Mauer to have a good season, but the pitching cupboard is bare. If Justin Morneau squints too hard in the sunlight, he'll probably get a concussion.

5. White Sox - Adam Dunn made Vernon Wells look good last season. Other than Paul Konerko, a dreadful offense and a team with no direction. Oh and GM Ken Williams, your son Kyle can still eat shit.

Kyle Williams, still not forgiven

East:

1. Yankees - Addressed their biggest weakness, starting pitching, in the span of a couple hours on January 13 by signing Hiroki Kuroda and acquiring Micheal Pineda from Seattle. No real weaknesses on this team unless Death decides it's Jeter's and Rivera's time .

2. Rays - Embarrassing amount of pitching riches. Easily go 7 deep in MLB ready guys. Carlos Pena's return will help in the field and bring some power to an often weak lineup. A full year of Desmond Jennings plus a rebound for Evan Longoria (who was absolutely murdered by BABIP last season) means the offense should be better at least. The model franchise for small markets.

3. Red Sox - Lost in the chicken and beer saga is the fact this team's pitching isn't that good. Rotation falls off the cliff after Lester, Beckett, Bucholz (unless you like Daniel Bard...I don't), and the bullpen will sorely miss Papelbon. Despite the dearth of pitching and not really having a shortstop, will contend all season because they have the best 1-6 hitters in baseball.

4. Blue Jays - Poor Toronto. Could be a playoff team in the NL. Solid pieces everywhere but will likely have to settle for being the 7th best team in the AL.

5. Orioles - Just...no.

Playoffs:

Wild Card: Rangers (95 wins) over Rays (93)

ALDS: Angels (97) over Rangers...shutter; Yankees (95) over Tigers (91)

ALCS: Angels over Yankees in 7 epic games that make me want to punch a baby due to heightened stress levels.

Awards:

MVP: Longoria, Pujols, Cabrera

Cy Young: Wilson, CC Sabathia, Felix Hernandez

Rookie of the Year: Montero, Matt Moore, Mike Trout (crossing fingers), who I would consider leaving my fiancee for...ok not really...maybe

"Put me in coach"

National League

West:

1. Diamondbacks - Added Trevor Cahill to an already pretty good staff. Justin Upton made the jump to superstardom last season and looks poised to improve upon the potential his brother BJ never quite could. A Trevor Bauer call up (UCLA product!) and a Stephen Drew return from injury down the line could make this team really dangerous. The Jason Kubel signing was silly though; he's awful in LF and will take time away from Gerardo Parra, a defensive whiz that hit enough last year to warrant a full time gig this season.

2. Giants - I mean...their pitching alone gets them to 81 wins. Madison Bumgarner may be their best pitcher, and he's slotted as their #3 starter. Ridiculous bullpen depth with Brian Wilson, Brian Wilson's commercial iterations, and Sergio Romo. Buster Posey and Freddy Sanchez return from injuries, which will be a big help to this anemic offense. If Pablo Sandoval spent the offsesason working on hitting instead of entering Mojos Eating Contests at Shakey's, the offense could be decent. And hey Bruce Bochy: stop effing with with Bradon Belt; sit Huff and give Belt the starts.

3. Padres - ESPN's prospect guru Keith Law ranked San Diego's farm system as the best in baseball, so they aren't far away from October baseball. But for now, they could actually be pretty decent. Cameron Maybin could be a budding star in CF, and Cory Luebke could be a budding star on the mound. The Pads always have a good bullpen; if new addition Yonder Alonso can bring his prodigious power to Petco Park, maybe the Padres compete through August.

4. Dodgers - Matt Kemp, Clayton Kershaw, Andre Ethier, and a whole bunch of nothing**. Oh and Magic Johnson, so yay for that. The pieces are there for a contender, but the farm system is pretty bare and the Dodgers seem content signing aging veterans to play key roles (i.e. Mark Ellis, Juan Rivera). It's a borderline miracle the team finished above .500 last season, but that's a testament to how excellent Cy winner Kershaw and shoulda-been-MVP Kemp were. Kemp will be interesting to watch this year. Does he build on last year's performance or does he regress back to his 2010 form? If the former, he's headed for the Hall of Fame.

** Sorry, but James Loney counts as nothing. On the surface he is a serviceable player, but the Dodgers were undoubtedly expecting more than about 12 HRs a year and a career 108 OPS+ from their "First Basemen of the Future."

Magic Johnson, baseball mind

5. Rockies - I never understand this team. After their 2007 World Series run, everyone penciled them in as contenders for the next decade. The middle of the lineup has elite potential: Troy Tulowitzki may be the best player in baseball and Car-Go is just 2 years removed from his 5.0 WAR campaign. Other than Chacin though, I don't like their pitching. If he makes the rotation Tyler Chatwood is going to be lit up like a Christmas Tree in Coors.

Central:

1. Reds - Losing Ryan Madson for the year is a big blow, but this team benefits from The Great Migration, perhaps better known as Fielder and Pujols leaving for the AL. Votto is maybe the best bat left in the NL, and the Reds are still waiting on past promise that Jay Bruce and Drew Stubbs have shown. The rotation is improved with Matt Latos' acquisition.

2. Cardinals - The defending champs lost an icon this past offseason, but the narrative has been they could be even better in 2012. I'm not buying it. Sure Wainwright is back and the pitching as a whole is very good (assuming Chris Carpenter comes back healthy), but Carlos Beltran is a poor Pujols substitute, primarily due to injury risk. Sure, the Cardinals could be very good IF World Series heroes David Freese and Lance Berkman rake and IF Wainwright is the same pitcher and IF Pujols' void won't be too large. Good team, too many ifs.

3. Brewers - Solid club even without Prince. Braun is a stud, though you'll have to factor in PED regression (just kidding...sort of) and the rotation is very deep with Greinke, Gallardo and Shaun Marcum (who they traded Brett Lawrie for!). Aramis Ramirez will try to do his best Prince Fielder impression at third base, bad defense and all. Who knows, maybe they contend for a Wild Card.

4. Pirates - Darlings and surprise contenders about halfway through last season until they imploded. The winless season streak will end soon. Hope runs anew in the minors with 2011 #1 pick Garret Cole (UCLA product!) and in the majors, with rising star CF Andrew McCutchen signing a bargain extension. This team is close to contending once the kids grow up, but for now they can take solace at least in no longer being a laughingstock.

5. Cubs - Theo Epstein is in town to run things, undoubtedly looking to inflate his ego with thoughts of sugarplums and ending curses in 2 cities dancing through his head. Epstein was sage not to sign Fielder, since the Cubs won't be good for a while anyway. The Cubbies merely hope this season Starlin Castro, Travis Wood, and Anthony Rizzo (who'll likely be in the minors) continue to develop, and that Alfonso Soriano and his albatross contract (3 more years, $54 million) are catastrophically injured in a bus accident. Yes...accident.

6. Astros*** - (see description for Orioles)

*** Like, I consider myself pretty knowledgeable about baseball. But I can't name 3 players on their team.

East:

1. Braves - Oodles of pitching depth on the big club and down on the farm. Atlanta is praying for a bounceback year for Dan Uggla (33 game hit streak notwithstanding) and for once uber-prospect Jason Heyward to recover from his abysmal 2011. I think both happen, which combined with their starting pitching and elite bullpen, get Atlanta to October in Chipper Jones' swan song.

2. Phillies - I sooooo wanted to drop them down to 3rd place but just couldn't. The cliff is coming, and soon, but I'm too much of a coward. Ryan Howard's absence isn't a huge loss (he's the most overrated player in baseball) but it does hurt their depth. Utley is hurt again. Rollins is old. Victorino will regress from a career year. But the pitching is too damn good. Halladay, Lee, and Hamels will drag the Phillies' rotting carcass to the Wild Card. Barely.

3. Nationals - My favorite up and coming team. I love their rotation (Strasburg, Zimmerman, Gonzalez, Jackson), bullpen (Clippard, Storen), improving position players (Morse, Espinosa, Ramos), farm system potential (superstar prospect Bryce Harper and merely very good prospect Anthony Rendon, who they could flip to fill needs elsewhere since they already have Ryan Zimmerman locked up at third) not to mention an established veteran like Ryan Zimmerman. I still think they're a little green to do anything of substance if they make the playoffs, but with their core they could definitely sneak into a wild card and sooner rather than later they're going to contend for the World Series.

4. Marlins - Will score with anyone. Jose Reyes will set the proverbial table in front of Mike, er, Giancarlo Stanton, who has 40 HR potential, and Hanley Ramirez is too talented to repeat his 2011 performance. The pitching will be better with Mark Buerhle and Josh Johnson's return from injury. But I don't know, picking them to finish 3rd would have been boring even though they probably are right now better than the Nats. Whatever. But hey, they have a freakin' fish tank behind home plate! Whimsy!

5. Mets - When people talk about your team during the offseason and Bernie Madoff is mentioned more than any of your players, there's a good chance you're going to suck. But hey, they did flip 2 months of Carlos Beltran for pitching prospect Zach Wheeler last summer, so that's fun.

Playoffs:

Wild Card: Giants (90 wins) over Phillies (92)

NLDS: Giants over Reds (94); D'backs (93) over Braves (93)

NLCS: D'backs over Giants in 6

MVP: Upton, Votto, Halladay

Cy Young: Halladay, Bumgarner, Kershaw

Rookie: Bauer, Bauer, Bauer****

**** I don't know a lot about NL prospects. Sorry.

World Series: Angels over D'backs in 6 

Partly because I'm a homer, but mainly because I'm betting Kendrys Morales returns to something resembling his 2009 form. If he does, the Angels don't really have a weakness. Elite defense, plus power, plus speed, elite starting pitching. The biggest weakness everyone points to is the bullpen. Jordan Walden's struggles as closer last season were overstated a bit. Yes he struggled in the superficial Saves stat, but overall he outperformed Neftali Feliz in stats that matter (like FIP, K/9, BB/9), and you didn't hear anybody crap on Feliz. Plus, if GM Jerry Dipoto needs to make a trade for a reliever midseason, the Angels have great trade chips like Mark Trumbo, Alberto Callaspo, and if he really wants to go balls out, powerful SS prospect Jean Segura. Additionally, they added low-risk high-reward bullpen guys like Latroy Hawkins and Jason Isringhausen. I'm usually a pessimist when it comes to my teams, but something tells me this Angels team is going to be really special.

Thanks for reading and enjoy the season!

Another World Series title and Mike Scioscia could end up in Cooperstown

Silence is Golden: 84th Oscars Recap

If it seems like with my recent posts that I’m just ripping off my own posts from February 2011, then you would be exactly right (initializing forced segue). The format for this 2012 Oscars recap will be exactly like the format for the 2011 recap, which you can look at here. Why? Because it was one of my favorite things to write last year and I like how it turned out.

This, however, is not totally unlike the 2012 Oscars (forced segue complete). Three of the top Oscar contenders this year are The Artist, Hugo, and Midnight in Paris, (by the way, all 3 are heavily France-influenced) the first two of which are 1930s-ish period pieces and the latter a film in which about half the runtime is set in the 1930s-ish. In other words, films that explore how the past shapes the present.

I'm not saying Hollywood is running out of ideas thanks to the tent pole, superheroification of popular film (though, it is). Contrarily, these 3 films are all very good and all very artistically unique. But they do represent the trend in 2011 of waxing nostalgic for “yesterday.” The Artist and Hugo, though radically different films, honor the silent era and the birth of modern movies. Meanwhile, Midnight in Paris recalls some of the great early 20^th century artists, many who peaked just before film became THE escapist entertainment of choice (before TV later dethroned movies).

This is all nice and I have no problem recalling the past for a couple of hours, but when we do so it tends to ignore the artistic beauty that can lie in the present. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was my favorite movie from 2011, and yet it didn’t receive a Best Picture nomination*. With eerily cold cinematography and unconventional musical score, Girl was a terrific example of what can make film great: testing conventional boundaries and breaking through them every once in a while. 

* It did end up winning Best Editing, one of the more prestigious awards of the night. Quite often, Best Picture and Best Editing honor the same movie.

2011 was a mediocre year for movies. There were lots of Very Good movies, but I didn’t see any that were jaw droppingly excellent (last year, off the top of my head, I thought The Social Network, Toy Story 3, Inception, and, to a lesser extent, Black Swan, all fit that criteria). The past is nice and it is comforting to reflect, but it can also hold us back. When Owen Wilson’s character in Midnight in Paris realizes this, he immediately becomes better for it. All he had to do was understand was the present had to offer him.

Now, enough of me being pretentious. Let’s make fun of some celebrities, shall we? Here’s my live reaction to watching the 84^th Oscars.

5:30PT – Morgan Freeman introduces the opening Billy Crystal montage. I made an immediate connection to penguins when I saw him wearing a tux.

5:32 – As Billy Crystal is wont to do, the opening montage features him spliced into some of 2011’s prominent movies. Here, in a riff on The Descendants, George Clooney kisses a “comatose” Billy Crystal on the lips. It was better than Crash.

5:33 – Justin Bieber cameos in a Midnight in Paris bit. Bieber looks like a lot of the girls that Woody Allen would find attractive.

5:36 – Crystal opening monologue. I’m not a Bill Crystal apologist or anything, but my God is he way better at this than James Franco. 

5:41 – Tom Hanks presenting first award. Maybe he’ll give back Travolta’s Oscar from 1994.**

** That would be for Pulp Fiction. Hanks won for Forrest Gump that year. I’m incredibly biased because Pulp is my favorite movie, so feel free to ignore my curmudgeon-y overtures. 

5:42 – Hanks introduces the official Oscar seat filler (I forgot the name. He was old), whose job it is to fill a seat, for TV purposes, if one of the actual stars gets up to use the restroom or present an award. Funny, because I thought that was Bradley Cooper’s job.

5:43 – Gandalf the White takes home the Oscar for Best Cinematography for Hugo. For this category I was OK with anything winning; all 5 nominees were shot brilliantly.  

Still, I’m glad The Artist didn’t win. If it did, this is what my post would have looked like: “5:30-9:00 – The Artist wins everything.”

Gandalf, posing with Oscar

5:45 – Art Direction Oscar now. I believe this award is for set decoration and stuff like that. Interior decorating on crack, more or less. It’s possible that your wife or girlfriend thinks they can do this job better than the nominees.

Hugo wins again. Brisk pace so far. They’ll be through the categories nobody cares about in record time.

5:48 – Ellen DeGeneres dressed as a cowboy for a JC Penny commercial. I always wondered what the sequel to Brokeback Mountain would be like.

5:51 – Clip from Amelie shown. Yes, because the French need more attention tonight.

 5:55 – The Artist wins Best Costume Design. So it begins. 

 5:56 – Not that I know anything about fashion or costume design, but The Artist doesn’t feel like a deserving winner. Yes, some sort of recognition is deserved for finding a tuxedo large enough for John Goodman, but most of the outfits seemed pretty generic. 

I would have awarded Jack & Jill. It wasn’t nominated, but maybe if Adam Sandler wins an Oscar, he’ll go away.

6:00 – Speaking of, here’s Adam Sandler talking about movies. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m going to ignore the guy that was associated with Eight Crazy Nights when he talks about the magic of movies.

Throughout the night, some of Hollywood’s biggest stars will appear in these segments. Just them, $100 T-shirts, and a black background, rapping about movies with us, the obedient viewer. They tell us about how cool movies were for them when they were kids. They conveniently leave out the part where movies are even more magical for them now, when they make $20 million for appearing in things like Legally Blonde. 

6:05 – Sandra Bullock presents Best Foreign Language film. In Darkness is a nominee from Poland; it’s a Holocaust film. Anyone else find it funny Poland is trying to get in on the Oscar-baiting Holocaust train? Also, “Holocaust train” may have been a poor choice of words. Also, my blog just won an Academy Award for using the word “Holocaust” 4 times in 4 sentences.

6:09 – Christian Bales presents Best Supporting Actor. Octavia Spencer, from The Help, wins. Bale then instructs her to move the light fixtures. 

But seriously, with Octavia Spencer’s win, a big round of applause is due to white people everywhere. Your guilt propelled her to victory. Nicely done. Me? I felt it was deserved. Because of her role, the phrase “eat shit” sounds sort of appealing.***

*** Like, didn’t the poo pie look delicious? I would have eaten it even after knowing. Bryce Dallas Howard seemed to like it, and if Bryce Dallas Howard likes something, then so do I. Except The Village. That sucked.

I'd eat it

6:13 – Spencer calls her Oscar the “hottest guy in the room.” Clooney and Pitt begin seeing who can piss the farthest.

6:16 – Subway commercial for $5 foot longs. No, Michael Fassbender is not the spokesperson. 

6:22 – Bradley Cooper co-presents Best Film Editing. Weird choice because The Hangover 2 should have been left entirely on the cutting room floor. We’ll always have All About Steve.

 6:25 – Girl with the Dragon Tattoo wins Best Editing in an upset over The Artist. Huge victory for rape right there.

6:33 – Commercial inviting us to Great Britain. No thanks, I saw The King’s Speech and that was enough, thank you. Any country that bows to scepter-wielding incest connoisseurs sounds like an area of the world I want to avoid. 

6:34 – Kermit and Miss Piggy in a booth. Kermit might be new to presenting; he looks a little green.

/rimshot

/still better than Bruce Vilanch

6:35 – Cirque du Soliel performance. Time to go wash socks or something.

6:36 – Which reminds me: separating whites and colors is basically the plot to The Help.

6:39 – Crystal points out this is the 84^th Oscars and segues that into talking about how old nominees Max von Sydow and Christopher Plummer are. They still aren’t as old as Crystal’s act.

6:45 – Rango wins Best Animated Feature, a film about a reptile that’s trying to find his way in the world. I did some research and apparently it’s not about Harvey Weinstein. 

6:58 – Melissa Leo (old) presents Best Supporting Actor, which Christopher Plummer (older) wins. It’s essentially a Cialis commercial on stage right now.

7:01 – Max von Sydow doesn’t win. Death claims von Sydow’s bishop. Check.****

**** That was a Seventh Seal reference. You haven’t seen it, don’t worry about it. I only saw it because I took a Nordic cinema class in college. 

"Yep, Hitler is as much of a douche as you would think Max. Your move."

7:04 – Commercial for Titanic: 3D. My fiancée asks if I want to see Kate Winslet’s boob in 3D. Well when you put it that way…

7:06 – Argument ensues over whether the kids on the Titanic died. I say all the poor kids died. She says “they didn’t show that because nobody cares about poor kids.” 1% FTW.

7:09 – Uggie, the dog from The Artist, makes his first appearance. To his credit, he likes the smell of his own ass about as much as the rest of Hollywood likes their own.

7:12 – “Man, I really miss James Franco” - Nobody

7:14 – The Artist wins Best Original Score. Somewhere, Kim Novak is throwing around the term “rape” like an over-caffeinated 15-year-old Call of Duty addict.

7:18 – Bret McKenzie wins for Best Original Song for “Man or Muppet.” It’s business time (McKenzie is the guy that pops up in the background every so often):

No, I don't care this is a Jemaine song.

 7:19 – Flight attendant looking chicks begin passing out popcorn to the stars, for some reason.

7:19:30 – Line forms for women’s restroom. Puking sounds come from stalls. Popcorn kernels everywhere.

7:24 – Angelina Jolie struts (no other word, really) to the mic, presents nominees for Best Adapted Screenplay. Remember when she was allegedly sexy? Not anymore. It’s as if she wants to be as gaunt as her children’s biological parents. It’s called good parenting.

7:39 – Bridesmaids 2: Bombing at the Oscars

7:40 – Something called The Shore wins Live Action Short film. The winners are a father/daughter team. I see a theme tonight, because Woody Allen is also familiar with successful father/daughter teams.

7:50 – Michael Douglas presents the Oscar for Best Director. Michel Hazanavcius wins for The Artist and claims he is the happiest director in the world right now. George Lucas and his billion dollars disagree. 

7:56 – Recap of the Governors Awards. Oprah won one. I mean, she really is integral to the film industry. You got The Color Purple, a future Roots remake most likely, and, um….

8:00 – Death montage coming up!!!!!! The Grammys and then the Oscars? Whitney Houston is trolling us now.

8:02 – Death montage!!!!

8:05 – Completely forgot Sidney Lumet died. Look at the title of this last film (great movie, by the way). Little creepy, right?

8:06 – Steve Jobs, pioneer of cinema, is honored. Even Oprah thinks he didn’t deserve it.

8:07 – Interesting for the Elizabeth Taylor part, they show a clip from Cleopatra, a massive flop that almost caused the death of FOX.

8:14 – Natalie Portman presenting Best Actor. Demian Bichir introduced first for his work portraying an illegal immigrant gardener in A Better Life. Little does he know La Migra is waiting outside.

$20 some Hollywood exec tried to get Bichir to prune their azaleas

8:15 – Portman salutes Clooney for his work in The Descendants, praising his ability to be a “regular person.” Yes, because all us average Joes were able to identify with Matt King (Clooney’s character), a guy that couldn’t decide if he wanted to sell off his inherited Hawaiian land, which would have netted him half a billion dollars, because he was sad and his wife sucked at water sports. Totally applicable in everyday life. 

What a bitch.

8:17 – I tell my fiancée that even if he wanted to, George Clooney couldn’t buy the Lakers. They’re worth too much. He is world famous, in the 1%, ridiculously handsome/charming/talented, gets to do his job in places like Hawaii, sleeping with Stacy Kiebler, and I don’t even know if he likes basketball or would want to buy the Lakers.

But still, it makes me feel better. Suck it, Clooney. You’ll never own Kobe.

8:19 – Jean Dujardin wins for The Artist. Sure.

8:25 – Colin Firth introducing Best Actress nominees. He does not bloody well stammer. 

8:25 - If Rooney Mara doesn’t win, Firth is totally getting a dildo up the arse.

8:26 – Weirded myself out because I was debating whether or not I think Meryl Streep is hot. This needs to end soon.

8:28 – Michelle Williams (My Week with Marilyn) deserves something for convincingly playing a woman that every man in the 50s masturbated to. 

8:29 – Meryl Streep wins for her role in The Iron Lady in a mild upset over Viola Davis’ performance in The Help. I wonder if when Academy members voted for Octavia Spencer, they didn’t want to also vote for Davis. Though the roles are much different (Spencer explosive, Davis understated), it would have bored them to vote for 2 house maids. Maybe Spencer was meant to be a group Oscar for The Help; that way, they felt comfortable voting for a legend like Meryl Streep.

Or maybe they’re just racist.

8:32 – Tom Cruise presenting Best Picture. Lower the mic.

8:33 – Just told my fiancée I would buy her diamond earrings if Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close wins Best Picture. Sucker.

8:35 – The Artist wins. Hollywood circle jerks itself. 

8:35:10 – But hey….I don’t have to buy diamond earrings. 

8:37: Oscar is almost taller than Michael Hazanavcius. 

8:38: “I won an Oscar. Bitches love Oscars” – Uggie

That’s a wrap. Relatively painless show. Billy Crystal was typical Billy Crystal but at least he pulls it off. Couple surprises to keep things interesting. But overall the night, as predicted, belonged to The Artist. Tune in next year to see if Best Picture favorite Battleship takes home the most statues and if Tyler Perry finally dances with Oscar.

Uggie has a better life than you